angry about feeling invisible and shame about getting angry

[Healing4Ever]

My T has pointed out that I have been invisible in my relationship with my ex-BPD.  This is very true, in that my ex's needs/desires/wants ran his life, and any concerns I had were my problem and he was fine with whatever the situation was and kept going.  I'm seeing that I was having a hard time accepting the relationship for what it was, and that I kept hoping things would change, and then I would feel angry when it wouldn't change and I would be blamed. 

I'm feeling stuck in that anger again - feeling like a victim to his behaviors and having a hard time shifting gears to focusing on what I need.  I have instigated LC, and it was working well for me for the first 5 days until he showed up unexpectedly after I asked for planned out contact, and I'm frustrated at how much that has unseated me.  I am back into ruminating about how unfair his unilateral decision making/disregard for my concerns is.  This is not productive for me, and it gets me doubting myself, feeling shame that I'm angry, and wondering if the relationship issues were just him reacting to me feeling angry that he couldn't be empathetic.

not a nice place to be.  Hoping things are going to shift for me.  Any tips on how to shift out of this miserable place?

[Validation78]

Hi Healing!

It's hard to feel the way you do. Many of us have, and I still do at times too. The thing is, there is nothing the matter with expecting someone close to us to have empathy skills. It's not an unrealistic expectation, and truth be told, who would want to continue in a relationship with a person who cannot exhibit empathy, friend or partner? I go to my friends for empathy, I did while I was working on my marriage too. In fact, it's one of the things we talk about on the staying board.

My suggestion to you is to reach out to friends for validation. When you see that your friends offer what you need, you will realize (not like you don't already know) that you are not unjustified for the way you feel. Sounds like you are trying to shift the blame for relationship problems to yourself. Yes, you played a part, however, you cannot take responsibility for his illness, that is a major factor, and when you radically accept that fact, you will be able to forgive yourself and him for the parts you each played!

Best Wishes,

Val78

BTW, if seeing him "unseats" you, enforce your boundaries and take care of yourself first! 

[LetItBe]

My T has pointed out that I have been invisible in my relationship with my ex-BPD.  This is very true, in that my ex's needs/desires/wants ran his life, and any concerns I had were my problem and he was fine with whatever the situation was and kept going.  I'm seeing that I was having a hard time accepting the relationship for what it was, and that I kept hoping things would change, and then I would feel angry when it wouldn't change and I would be blamed. 

I am back into ruminating about how unfair his unilateral decision making/disregard for my concerns is.  This is not productive for me, and it gets me doubting myself, feeling shame that I'm angry, and wondering if the relationship issues were just him reacting to me feeling angry that he couldn't be empathetic.

I completely understand!  It's normal to be angry as part of the healing process.  Of course, we expect empathy from our partners.  It's hardwired into most humans' DNA.  It's difficult to understand my ex's lack of empathy, and I've spent time wondering if I was expecting too much by expecting that he'd follow through on very simple, easily fulfilled agreements, or when I expected him to treat me consistently with respect.  His astonishing lack of empathy (that became apparent in his "push" cycles) is one of the many reasons that I can't accept his offer of "friendship and support."  I have real friends that ARE empathetic, that I can trust with my feelings.  Like Val suggested, let's turn to our real friends, and yes, enforce some boundaries.

[Billa]

I was invisible for months - my needs, my feelings, my desires and also my sorrow- and, as this was happening, he made another woman's needs, wishes and feelings very visible not only to himself but also to me, triangulating (read definition) one of his ex-Gfs and using her to hurt me. It was terrible and still is... .  So I can understand you and feel exactly what you feel.