Clarity and understanding

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's now been 2 weeks of NC with the exBPDw and this morning I recieved a "words with friends" request from her that triggered a lot of painful memories. Instead of regressing, I worked through those feelings, went back to previous e-mails (including the very last ones she sent) and thoughts started to fall into place that I hadn't recognised before.

Throughout the 3 years we were together, my ex's biggest criticism was that I didn't do enough for her daughter. She would constantly tell me that her daughter kept telling her she just wanted a dad who did the things others dads did with their children and didn't feel loved enough. It was a source of frustration and hurt for me because I grew up without a father and blamed myself because I didn't know how a father should act, therefore I took responsibility and blamed myself for not doing enough.

However, on reflection, I don't know what more I could have done. I took my 7 year old step-daughter to the park every weekend, sometimes on good days, after school too. She wanted to play football so we enrolled her. Not only did I go to all her practices but I ended up coaching her team. I would take her to the zoo and other places on weekends too, we sat and played games together on an evening, every evening I made sure I spent at least an hour with just her and my time together because I understood how difficult it was with a new baby, I took her to the movies every couple of weeks as a Friday night treat, I helped her with homework, we watched her favourite tv shows together, I taught her how to do design and animation on the computer, I would take her shopping with me on a weekend, I would listen to her problems, we played games on the computer together, we did dance competitions together, we cleaned up the park together, I went in to her school on a number of occassions and helped teach in her classroom, I made her meals, packed her lunches for school, bathed her, read her stories, we spent a lot of time together building lego, I even played with her monster high dolls, I listened to her problems, took her sledging in the winter, went on walks together, played ball together. But regardless of any of that it was never enough, I wasn't doing enough and wasn't doing what "normal" fathers did. Then it hit me, my step-daughter didn't say any of this to me, it all came from my ex.

In the times where I had enough of the abuse and stepped away, what always drew me back in was emotional blackmail. Telling me how devastated step-daughter would be and that they were going to hold off telling her because she would be heartbroken.

My ex projected her own issues using her own daughter and I never saw it until now.

I was always told what an amazing and wonderful family they were, so caring and kind. But alarm bells sounded when I moved out to her country. She is a 32 year old woman who still lives at home with her parents and always has. She has never had to deal with lifes major issues because her parents are always there. Yet she, and her family consider her a very independent and strong woman who has been through so much and she sees herself as very lonely.

Her mother is controlling and emotionally abusive when she gets angry. Everything her mother wants, she gets otherwise she has a tantrum and everybody becomes the target. Her father is the key to all of this, he is far too passive, any sign of trouble and he disappears down to the basement. He hardly talks and when he does it is in agreement to his wife. He once told me that his wife is always right, even when she is wrong. He also once told me that if his wife told him to disown his own children, he would do in a heartbeat because she is always right, and he did go as far as cutting out his own family for his wife. I don't know much about the background of the family because they were quite secretive, but I do know that in his younger days, he was a heavy drinker and very violent. It caused the family to split for a short time but they came back together and have a "happy" 38 year marriage.

The more I think about it, the more I see the pattern. He was the one who took the kids to practices and turned up for all their games and did the majority of things I did with step-daughter. But now I see it for what it is, it was never about my step-daughter, it was about my wife wanting and needing more from her father but that he was emotionally unavailable due to his passive nature and being controlled by the wife. I was looking at the wrong parent because I always felt a lot of my wifes issues stemmed from the controlling and abusive nature of her mother but although that is part of the issue, what she was lacking was from her father and that was the role she expected me to fulfill.

It explains why, when I would leave for 7 days to visit my own family, she would really go into a rage and would need constant contact 24 hours a day until I returned, only to be angry because of her abandonment issues. She is tied to that house because both her and her mother have issues but I strongly feel her father is the key behind all of the issues and not the mother as previously suspected.

[Murbay]

It's now been 2 weeks of NC with the exBPDw and this morning I recieved a "words with friends" request from her that triggered a lot of painful memories. Instead of regressing, I worked through those feelings, went back to previous e-mails (including the very last ones she sent) and thoughts started to fall into place that I hadn't recognised before.

Throughout the 3 years we were together, my ex's biggest criticism was that I didn't do enough for her daughter. She would constantly tell me that her daughter kept telling her she just wanted a dad who did the things others dads did with their children and didn't feel loved enough. It was a source of frustration and hurt for me because I grew up without a father and blamed myself because I didn't know how a father should act, therefore I took responsibility and blamed myself for not doing enough.

However, on reflection, I don't know what more I could have done. I took my 7 year old step-daughter to the park every weekend, sometimes on good days, after school too. She wanted to play football so we enrolled her. Not only did I go to all her practices but I ended up coaching her team. I would take her to the zoo and other places on weekends too, we sat and played games together on an evening, every evening I made sure I spent at least an hour with just her and my time together because I understood how difficult it was with a new baby, I took her to the movies every couple of weeks as a Friday night treat, I helped her with homework, we watched her favourite tv shows together, I taught her how to do design and animation on the computer, I would take her shopping with me on a weekend, I would listen to her problems, we played games on the computer together, we did dance competitions together, we cleaned up the park together, I went in to her school on a number of occassions and helped teach in her classroom, I made her meals, packed her lunches for school, bathed her, read her stories, we spent a lot of time together building lego, I even played with her monster high dolls, I listened to her problems, took her sledging in the winter, went on walks together, played ball together. But regardless of any of that it was never enough, I wasn't doing enough and wasn't doing what "normal" fathers did. Then it hit me, my step-daughter didn't say any of this to me, it all came from my ex.

In the times where I had enough of the abuse and stepped away, what always drew me back in was emotional blackmail. Telling me how devastated step-daughter would be and that they were going to hold off telling her because she would be heartbroken.

My ex projected her own issues using her own daughter and I never saw it until now.

I was always told what an amazing and wonderful family they were, so caring and kind. But alarm bells sounded when I moved out to her country. She is a 32 year old woman who still lives at home with her parents and always has. She has never had to deal with lifes major issues because her parents are always there. Yet she, and her family consider her a very independent and strong woman who has been through so much and she sees herself as very lonely.

Her mother is controlling and emotionally abusive when she gets angry. Everything her mother wants, she gets otherwise she has a tantrum and everybody becomes the target. Her father is the key to all of this, he is far too passive, any sign of trouble and he disappears down to the basement. He hardly talks and when he does it is in agreement to his wife. He once told me that his wife is always right, even when she is wrong. He also once told me that if his wife told him to disown his own children, he would do in a heartbeat because she is always right, and he did go as far as cutting out his own family for his wife. I don't know much about the background of the family because they were quite secretive, but I do know that in his younger days, he was a heavy drinker and very violent. It caused the family to split for a short time but they came back together and have a "happy" 38 year marriage.

The more I think about it, the more I see the pattern. He was the one who took the kids to practices and turned up for all their games and did the majority of things I did with step-daughter. But now I see it for what it is, it was never about my step-daughter, it was about my wife wanting and needing more from her father but that he was emotionally unavailable due to his passive nature and being controlled by the wife. I was looking at the wrong parent because I always felt a lot of my wifes issues stemmed from the controlling and abusive nature of her mother but although that is part of the issue, what she was lacking was from her father and that was the role she expected me to fulfill.

It explains why, when I would leave for 7 days to visit my own family, she would really go into a rage and would need constant contact 24 hours a day until I returned, only to be angry because of her abandonment issues. She is tied to that house because both her and her mother have issues but I strongly feel her father is the key behind all of the issues and not the mother as previously suspected.

[GreenMango]

Sometimes those dynamics play out over and over again.  We all have some kind of "normal" that isn't so normal - maybe her's is just a little more destructive.  It could very well be the only way she knew how to live. 

It's good you realize you were a caring father.  I think you probably have enough stuff to carry as this winds to a close, you don't need to be carrying her stuff too.

Hang in there.

[Murbay]

Thanks Greenmango, that helped immensely and was much appreciated.

I have questioned myself time and again over the role I played with my children. It's the form of emotional blackmail I constantly got hit with when she realised she wasn't going to get through my boundaries.

The words with friends invite has really played on my mind today. I haven't accepted it because 2 weeks ago I had a worried therapist on the phone because she was in a full rage, including the police because she was convinced I was coming to take the children and that I was lurking in the area. I'm not even in the same country but the paranoia has been building up for several weeks now and the police were around when I was there because she was convinced someone was trying to break in to the house and attack her.

The reason the request is playing on my mind is because she blocked me completely on facebook (not that I use it to be honest), she laid false allegation charges, she raged at the therapist and hasn't tried to contact me in 2 weeks. I don't know whether the request is her seeing if I am still around or if it is my step-daughter trying to reach out because she has been cut out of the communication loop too.

It's much harder when you have children because there is more than one bond to deal with.

[Validation78]

Hey Murbay!

One of the many benefits of NC is peace, and an opportunity to replay the events that put us in a position to be a part of the crazy making. pwBPD are so adept at the behaviors, they can make us believe almost anything. Projection of stbx's issues on me was one of those things that threw me for a loop too. Looking back with help from my T and complete honesty and objectivity in the interest of self growth has renewed my self confidence, as I'm sure it has for you as well!

This is part of the many steps you will take on the road to healing. Keep moving forward, living your truth and being confident that you will continue to get healthy.

Best Wishes, Val78

[Murbay]

Thank you Val, I totally agree with that perspective. The more I have distanced myself, the more I see the dysfunctional dynamic in the entire family. I think the hardest part was that I was outnumbered 2 against 1 (3 if you count her father but he always agrees with his wife, whether she is right or wrong because that is what a marriage is about). Not only that but she was convincing to the therapist too and at that point I was convinced I was the issue. It was only when little things started to happen, her reaction to it all, that revealed the true picture.

I'm thankful in many ways because it caused me to look hard at myself in the first instance and see where I fitted into the dynamic. I'm not perfect by any means and I have been able to address a lot of my issues, come to terms with things such as having Aspergers, identify the things in my past which were unresolved and start to move forward. Still a very long way to go, but one step at a time. I'm also very thankful for my Therapist because even though we aren't in the same country anymore, he is still very much involved in the process through skype.

In my last session with him, with the self-destruction button pressed, he wanted me to think about how I would cope and deal with her in 6 months or a year when she gets back in contact or starts playing games. 2 weeks of NC so far, last week I got a question from one of her friends, yesterday I got the request to play a game online and today my sister got a facebook friends request from my step-daughter. Just one issue with the latter, my step-daughter doesn't even know she has a facebook account and she is only 7. My ex created it to monitor her ex (step-daughters biological father) and also to monitor my exgf too. That should have been a red flag right there.

It's these games that cause me an issue because of the Aspergers, I don't get emotional over them. Instead my brain kicks in to try and figure out the logical reasoning behind all of these games. My ex is highly illogical at times so that then creates an issue with me and that was our dynamic and cycle. If you can process through logically what is happening and why, you can accept it and move past it. If your brain gets stuck in a loop trying to rationalise the illogical, it's much harder to break from the thinking process.