Should I reach out to in-laws?

[lizzie458]

IL's have been watching our DS once a week until recently.  They insisted on renting a house with a pool and they insist on watching him at their house.  Two months ago our DS became mobile and I got worried because he is quick and they are elderly.  I talked to H about wanting them to get a pool fence if they want to continue to watch DS at their house, and he flipped.  He then calmed down, and said he'd take care of it.  Apparently he had a convo with my FIL about it and FIL said they'd get a pool fence.  2 mo. later, no pool fence. 

Background:  FIL has a history of blowing things off if he thinks they're silly, unnecessary, not important, etc.  H's entire family is enmeshed and noone has any boundaries.  Also, no one says what they mean or means what they say, and triangulation is the norm.  I get the feeling that MIL might be BPD, and FIL could potentially be NPD.

A few days ago, I decided I needed to go to the IL’s myself about the pool fence because it still bothers me.  I drafted and email, and was almost ready to send it.  BPDh asked me a question about our weekend plans, and I couldn’t think of a way around telling him that our plans might have to change due to this new boundary (I didn’t call it a boundary though, that probably would’ve triggered him).  He insisted he call his parents instead of me sending an email (I didn’t feel strong enough to talk to them over the phone).  He did, and according to him the talk did not go well.  Not only is FIL not going to install the pool fence (he countered with a much cheaper, flimsy patio fence which is not helpful because it isn’t considered child-proof), but I get the feeling that now IL’s feelings are hurt.

HOWEVER, that being said – I don’t know exactly what the interchange was because I wasn’t there.  In retrospect, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to contact the IL’s – not to try to make them feel differently or to apologize for anything, but simply so that we can communicate directly instead of through the severely distorted filter that is dBPDh.  H has been trying to control my relationship with the IL’s from the very beginning, so there hasn’t been a lot of direct contact with them.  I’d like to send them a short email (again, I’m a little scared of being triggered while on the phone with them) using DEARMAN so they can hear directly from me.  I also need to broach the subject of not having our son’s 1st birthday party at their house, which they may not have realized yet.

Good idea?  Bad idea? 

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[arabella]

Any chance you can speak to your ILs with your H present? Actually, now that I've said that and reread your post, I'm imagining that wouldn't go well either.

I see where you're coming from with this. What is the nature of the email? i.e. Are you seeking clarification? Asking questions? Offering information?

Is the reason you aren't having the bday party at their house is because of the fence? Also, I can imagine that a pool fence could be expensive. Are you ILs doing you a favour by watching your DS? Depending on the circumstances there, you might need to offer to pay for the fence... .  

[lizzie458]

The purpose of the email would be to tell them my request and reasoning directly.  Since dBPDh distorts nearly everything he hears, I'm almost positive he has put spins on this that are not true, and has made the heart of the issue (if my son is staying somewhere on a regular basis where there is a pool, it needs a fence - no matter whose house it is (ours included)) something completely different (I hate his parents and do not trust them to watch our son at all, and never will).

The birthday party has blown up into such a drama filled mess that I don't even want to do one anymore.  I just found out the IL's never offered their house, but H is now insisting that we have it at their house.  So on the heels of "telling IL's I don't trust them" (his words), we are now asking them to host DS's party.          He thinks it will make them feel better.  I can't keep up with all the emotional acrobatics.

The fence is a little bit expensive, but IL's make more than enough money (well into 6 figures).  They are horrible at managing money, but they've managed to dump almost 10x the cost of this fence into the house for cosmetic reasons in the last few months.  Regardless, it's not my problem.  I'm trying not to judge them for whatever they want to do (it is their house after all), my main thing is it's just not safe as-is for my son. 

I don't expect them to understand - their reaction to the email is not important.  I just realized this weekend, that H is so afraid of his parents, he jumps in the middle every time I try to talk to them directly, so I have a pseudo-relationship with H'S PERCEPTION of who his parents are and they have a pseudo-relationship with H'S PERCEPTION of who I am.  Whether or not his fears and anxiety about his parents have a basis in reality anymore, I have no idea (he has said they were pretty angry while he was growing up).  But it's like a Stockholm syndrome thing with him.  Anytime I lay down a healthy boundary around me, and any time he thinks I'm saying anything derogatory or negative, or even just disagreeing with them - he makes it a marriage issue and talks about divorcing me and leaving us because I "won't accept his family".

I understand his deep anxiety around them, but the enmeshment makes me sick to my stomach     He's almost 40 y/o 

[arabella]

I think I understand. What a mess. Yes, definitely it would be better to communicate with his parents directly if you want to preserve the relationship with your ILs. If it were just between him and them, or them and you, that would be one thing, but as it directly involves your son I think it calls for some intervention.

I'm a little concerned about the email format, to be honest. So many things get misinterpreted or misconstrued via email. It's that whole lack of 'tone' and expression. If your ILs already have their backs up because of what your H has said, an email might go over very poorly no matter how well you word it. Plus, if you start saying something that doesn't jive with them, they won't be able to interject or ask questions or whatever. I know you don't want to call, but it might truly be a better option given the circumstances. Had the email gone out before your H spoke to them then that might have worked, but at this point I think that a more personal touch might be required. Plus, you asked and your H said not to email, so... .  He didn't say not to call. I know that's a technicality but a casual follow-up call sounds easier to explain than a written email (in my mind, but that's just me).

If it makes you feel any better, I have the same problem with my H and his family. The warped perceptions, the enmeshment, the anxiety, the "why won't you accept my family" bit. He hasn't lived with them for more than 20 years! So... .  I hear you, it's

[lizzie458]

Yes!  I'm afraid of these people, to be honest.  They don't have boundaries, I have allowed them to stomp mine in the past repeatedly, and noone ever knows what anyone else is really thinking (they believe they do though) so it's like a big chess match.  I was never any good at chess or politics.  It feels like they've been talking behind my back (which is consistent with the behavior they've shown before), and poisoning my marriage.  They're so sneaky it freaks me out, very two-faced.  I don't particularly like these people, but I would like to be legit and clear with them. 

[arabella]

I hear you! Oy. I think the reason we're no good at it is because we don't twist our thinking around in the same way. It's hard to really play the game if you're just upfront and honest all the time!

My FIL has NPD - enough said. It seems the way their whole family operates is on the basis of 'divide and conquer'. There are no group discussions because then everyone would be on the same page - horrors! Is there any way to have this discussion with everyone all at once? Possibly a short visit where your H and his parents would both be there to, you know, avoid any 'misunderstandings' (read: manipulation and revisionist history)? I guess one advantage to email is that it would all be in writing!

[briefcase]

Lots and lots of boundary issues going on here.   

All families go through some transition as a new generation arrives and roles change.  Is this your in-laws first grandchild?  Kinda sounds like it. 

I agree that email is not a good way to do this.

Decide where you want the party to be and either call the in-laws and invite them over, or ask them if they would mind hosting (you guys are in charge of the party, not grandma and grandpa). 

I wouldn't bring up the pool fence at the birthday party or during the invite call to them.  Find another time (soon) to bring it up.  Invite your MIL to lunch and tell her your worries, and ask her if she would mind putting up a pool fence.  Maybe offer to pay for half of it and help install it (that's the "N" in DEARMAN).     

There will be a generation gap around this stuff - they grew up riding around unbuckled in the front seat, not ever owning a bike helment, owning cribs that a kid could stick his head through, etc.  The idea of a pool fence may strike them as overly cautious.  It helps sometimes to see where they are coming from and give them a little validation.

The bottom line though is that you are the parent and get to make the rules - being mindful that grandparents are important in a child's life. 

Good luck, and try not to let the in-laws spoil the special day.   

[lizzie458]

Great feedback, briefcase - thank you!

Nope, not their first grandkid - but it is their first in a long time.  I really like the idea of inviting MIL to lunch.  She would love that, and so would dBPDh (obviously not the purpose of the meeting, but a nice side benefit).  It would definitely reinforce the fact that I do want a r/s with them and am not trying to force them out of our lives.

Interesting thought about offering to pay for half of the fence (the company does the install) - sometimes I get so wrapped up in not wanting to be codependent that I forget that you can negotiate, compromise, and soften sometimes.  I know they feel like a fence is overkill, which is a little funny to me considering H almost drowned on their watch when he was about 2 y/o.  But whatever, I still think you are right about that.