new member - sister

[fedupsister]

Hi,

My mom just referred me to this site and I'm glad it exists!

I believe my sister has BPD, although she has never been diagnosed because she refuses to see a counselor. She was adopted when she was about a month old and my parents dont know what happened to her before, but she never really cuddled or formed a very warm attachment. As she got older she got into some abusive relationships and began blaming my mom for almost everything wrong in her life. This blame has extended onto almost every individual in our immediate and extended family and resulted in many occasions where she gets so mad that she completely cuts off communication. In the worst situation, she became so mad that she un-invited every member of our family from her wedding except for me and my brother. My brother is handicapped and I am not confident in caring for him on my own, which she demanded I do since she refused to invite our mom and dad, so I had to cancel going to wedding. I could not stand being the only representative from our entire family and having to act as if everyone else in our family was crazy and it was poor her! So, I did not go to the wedding and then she didn't talk to me for over a year. I was ok with it, because at that point I just didnt care to have a relationship with her anymore because it was so much work. However, she eventually had a son and started talking to other family members again so at that point she reconnected with me. I was glad and we have maintained an almost manageable relationship since then. . . until very lately.

A few months ago my mom and dad stayed with her and her kids and she got angry because my mom was spending too much time with our very old and sick grandmother as opposed to her. My sister freaked out and kicked her out of the house. Now, just like in the past, she has started complaining to me about mom again and accusing me of always taking my mom's side. The truth is that I do take my mom's side because I know how crazy my sister is! She was texting me non-stop this morning and just stopped responding because its all such craziness and I can't pretend shes normal!

I have a daughter now too and I want her to know her aunty and cousins, but it doesn't feel worth it when this relationship is SOO much work! We have nothing in common except that we are sisters and I can't stand how fake she is!

Help!

[jrx]

Hi fedupsister, wow, she sounds like a handful and then some. The [L5] Relatives Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) has a lot of tribal knowledge about family drama.

If she never changed, would you be willing to live with all the drama? Separately, my exBPDgf went back home to visit her extended family. One day, her niece picked up her purse and started sashaying the same way my ex does. The family was... . mortified. 

[Suzn]

Hello fedupsister   

I'm sorry things have been so difficult with your sister.    It sounds painful for you as it would be for anyone struggling to have a relationship with a sibling with BPD. BPD is a serious mental disorder, someone who exhibits BPD traits has a very different reality than you or I. Being adopted presents it's own emotional struggles for any individual, add in BPD and it can be very painful for all involved. It's very likely there is nothing "fake" about this.

I'm glad you found us. We can help you communicate with your sister to help you be more successful with your relationship. Here are some examples to get you started:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Have you considered a therapist of your own for support with what you've been up against? Therapists can be excellent help when trying to improve a relationship. 

[fedupsister]

Thank you for the support and resources! I have been reading the other stories on here and feeling a lot more clear-headed about everything. The videos have been really helpful too.

I appreciate the question, if she never changed would I still want to be part of her life? I have been thinking this through and it is such a tough decision. On one hand it seems really simple - she causes so much stress and drama and is a lot of work to be in a relationship with, and her values and lifestyle is extremely different from my and my family's. But, understanding her disorder more is causing me to feel more guilty about it. I feel sad for her and how angry she is, but I am not sure there is anything I can do about it. And I am not sure if I am okay with our children growing up now knowing each other.

I also appreciate the suggestion to go see a therapist. I have been wanting to do that, but I have been to therapists before for other reasons and mentioned the strained relationship I have with my sister. But, I have yet to find a therapist who seems to understand that she may have BPD, and what that might mean. I also have a lot of difficult feelings about my brother - he has a very severe form of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder that makes it next to impossible for him to live on his own without being manipulated by people like gang members and drug dealers. His disorder is very complex. At times you can talk to him and not realize that he is delayed in any way, and other times he is disturbed, violent and frightening. Both my brother and sister were adopted because my parents did not think they could have children, but then I came along several years later. I have a real sense of guilt over being "normal" and not knowing what my responsibility is or should be to my siblings. I also feel a lot of responsibility to ensure my parents are happy, and when my sister is angry she insists that mom and dad love me more and treat me better.

I have yet to find anyone who empathizes with the difficult feelings I have over my siblings and how it has shaped me. I feel like when I bring it up with people other than my parents or husband, they just dismiss it as regular sibling rivalry. How do I find someone to talk to - a therapist or counsellor - that I know will understand this?

[ScarletOlive]

Hey fedupsister,

Your confusion is understandable-we've all been there. These decisions aren't easy by any stretch of the imagination. It must be difficult having a brother with FAS and a sister with BPD. Obviously you care about them very much, but are trying to seek a balance. How are you doing at taking care of yourself in all of this?

You can try looking up therapists that might be covered under your insurance. Maybe narrow them down by driving distance, preferred gender, expertise, and so on. When you meet for the first consultation session, you can bring up your questions and see if they are a good fit.