Accepting an apology you never got

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I read a quote the other day:  "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."  It got me thinking.  Perhaps I should write an apology letter from my former boyfriend full of things I'd like to hear from him.  This way, I can forgive him and give myself some closure.  I wrote something tonight and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Sango,

I'm sorry for belittling you.  You're not fat.  Your hair isn't ugly.  You're not difficult to be with.  I am.  I didn't do the things I should've done, nor did I say the things I should've said.  I was selfish, and I didn't realize I was having such a negative effect on your emotional and mental well-being, your schooling, or your personal relationships with other people.  I put my own selfish needs before what was really important.  I should've never pressured you, or made you feel like you were obligated to do whatever I wanted you to do. 

The things I said were wrong on so many levels.  You do not deserve to suffer.  You deserve the world, and I was mad at myself for not being able to give you what you need.  I never slept with my best friend.  I made it up to hurt you.  It was a stupid thing to say.    I was wrong for calling you out of your name.  No woman deserves that. 

That last day we talked…I was just upset that you were leaving me again.  You've given up on me so many times before…I couldn't believe you were doing it again.  You walked out on me…just like my dad and everyone else, and to say that I have issues…that made me so angry.  I just wasn't ready to deal with those problems yet, and I felt like you were forcing me to.  Once I felt threatened, I lost control.  I said any and everything I could to hurt you.  I wanted to cut you as deeply as you had cut me.  That's why I told you "If I'm going to feel heartbreak, you're going to be right there with me."  I needed you to hurt as much as I did inside.

I thought about contacting you afterwards.  I started writing so many texts and e-mails, only to delete them a couple of minutes later.  You asked me to stay away and I'm not one to go where I'm not wanted, so I respected your wishes.  I started dating my friend... . the one I lied to you about.  Things were great.  Well, they're going well.  She cooks for me. She and I have a good time together.  We don't argue.  She's a cool girl, but deep down I know it won't work out.  I'm using her to fill a void... . a void that was left in my heart a long time ago.  I tried to use you in the same way.  Now I realize that I won't ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship until I address my issues.  I want to talk about them, because I do have problems that I need to work out, and it isn't fair that I take these frustrations out on others.

My dad left my siblings and I…just stopped talking to us.  I don't understand how someone could do that.  What did we do?  What could we as children have possibly done to deserve to be walked out on by our father?  And now he wants to come back into my life and make an effort when I'm grown up…as if all of that time can be made up.  He doesn't know me.  He doesn't know what my interests are, what I like to do.  All he does is talk to me about military stuff because that's all we have in common.  Because of him, I'm afraid to get close to others.  If my own father could walk out on me, others can do so just as easily, right?  I was afraid to let you in.  I thought you'd leave me too.  Even though you did, I see now that your reason was me.  I pushed you away due to this fear.  I'm sorry."

There are other issues that I think he has, but I don't really know how he would respond to them.  Abandomment is one of his most "obvious" issues.  It's clear that his father leaving (or someone else maybe) has had an impact on the way he handles intimate relationships.  I didn't really put everything in here.  I honestly couldn't go on any more because I was getting upset thinking about all of the stuff he said the last day we talked.  I guess it defeated the purpose of writing the darn letter in the first place.  I thought I'd share it anyway though.

[Sango216]

I read a quote the other day:  "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."  It got me thinking.  Perhaps I should write an apology letter from my former boyfriend full of things I'd like to hear from him.  This way, I can forgive him and give myself some closure.  I wrote something tonight and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Sango,

I'm sorry for belittling you.  You're not fat.  Your hair isn't ugly.  You're not difficult to be with.  I am.  I didn't do the things I should've done, nor did I say the things I should've said.  I was selfish, and I didn't realize I was having such a negative effect on your emotional and mental well-being, your schooling, or your personal relationships with other people.  I put my own selfish needs before what was really important.  I should've never pressured you, or made you feel like you were obligated to do whatever I wanted you to do. 

The things I said were wrong on so many levels.  You do not deserve to suffer.  You deserve the world, and I was mad at myself for not being able to give you what you need.  I never slept with my best friend.  I made it up to hurt you.  It was a stupid thing to say.    I was wrong for calling you out of your name.  No woman deserves that. 

That last day we talked…I was just upset that you were leaving me again.  You've given up on me so many times before…I couldn't believe you were doing it again.  You walked out on me…just like my dad and everyone else, and to say that I have issues…that made me so angry.  I just wasn't ready to deal with those problems yet, and I felt like you were forcing me to.  Once I felt threatened, I lost control.  I said any and everything I could to hurt you.  I wanted to cut you as deeply as you had cut me.  That's why I told you "If I'm going to feel heartbreak, you're going to be right there with me."  I needed you to hurt as much as I did inside.

I thought about contacting you afterwards.  I started writing so many texts and e-mails, only to delete them a couple of minutes later.  You asked me to stay away and I'm not one to go where I'm not wanted, so I respected your wishes.  I started dating my friend... . the one I lied to you about.  Things were great.  Well, they're going well.  She cooks for me. She and I have a good time together.  We don't argue.  She's a cool girl, but deep down I know it won't work out.  I'm using her to fill a void... . a void that was left in my heart a long time ago.  I tried to use you in the same way.  Now I realize that I won't ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship until I address my issues.  I want to talk about them, because I do have problems that I need to work out, and it isn't fair that I take these frustrations out on others.

My dad left my siblings and I…just stopped talking to us.  I don't understand how someone could do that.  What did we do?  What could we as children have possibly done to deserve to be walked out on by our father?  And now he wants to come back into my life and make an effort when I'm grown up…as if all of that time can be made up.  He doesn't know me.  He doesn't know what my interests are, what I like to do.  All he does is talk to me about military stuff because that's all we have in common.  Because of him, I'm afraid to get close to others.  If my own father could walk out on me, others can do so just as easily, right?  I was afraid to let you in.  I thought you'd leave me too.  Even though you did, I see now that your reason was me.  I pushed you away due to this fear.  I'm sorry."

There are other issues that I think he has, but I don't really know how he would respond to them.  Abandomment is one of his most "obvious" issues.  It's clear that his father leaving (or someone else maybe) has had an impact on the way he handles intimate relationships.  I didn't really put everything in here.  I honestly couldn't go on any more because I was getting upset thinking about all of the stuff he said the last day we talked.  I guess it defeated the purpose of writing the darn letter in the first place.  I thought I'd share it anyway though.

[Clearmind]

  Sango - how do you feel?

You could also write a letter and not send it.

[Sango216]

Usually I do that.  I have about 7 pages of unsent letters.  I feel like I'm in a better place than I was a couple of weeks ago.  I was so hung up on getting an apology or some acknowledgment of wrongdoing on his part that I couldn't move forward.  I would wake up and hope to see messages from him.  Not anymore though.

I have a feeling that one day (could be next year, could be years from now), he'll feel awful about the things he said and did.  Regardless of when that apology comes (or if it ever does), I forgive him anyway. 

[Clearmind]

I hear you Sango. I felt the same way.

Closure comes from within us. I soon realized that I saw plenty and really needed to get out of my relationship. It wasn't my ex that called it quits at all - I should have ended it long before he did. This provided me with some personal power - the ending was not a surprise - I was in that relationship too - I saw all the dysfunction and I'm pleased I don't have to see it anymore.

You dodged a bullet.

[Sango216]

Yes, that is definitely one thing I've learned as a result of our relationship.  I do not need him to get "closure."  Accepting the fact that he is a sick person in denial, and forgiving him for wrongful acts he has committed is all the closure I need.  I can find inner peace within myself. 

Thank you for the support Clearmind! 

[Clearmind]

  You will be OK Sango

[Changed4safety]

Sango, you and I are so much alike.  I want to thank you for sharing this--I found it a wonderful idea, quite literally the answer to a prayer.  I was wrestling with how to continue or utterly sever things with my ex and quite literally asked for guidance spiritually for two nights... . I think your apology letter was, quite literally, the answer to a prayer.  

I not a confronter, but I do need to protect and stick up for myself and not allow myself to do things that hurt me (like contact with him, and so on.)  I am seeing two therapists (one from where I used to live via phone, who knows the situation, the other a local expert in BPD) and they are giving me slightly conflicting advice on specifics.  I need to do what's right for ME.  Not what they want me to do, or what my ex wants from me.  I agree with both my Ts on different things.  The first T, who knows both ex and me well, says to not dramatically slam doors as that will in itself reengage him and plunge us both into the drama and chaos that feeds him.  Second T says close all the doors, then you don't have to hear from him. 

I think writing an apology letter from him will be a good start in clarifying my path.  Don't mean to hijack, but--thank you!  I think one of the gifts of enduring such pain in these relationships is wisdom, both about ourselves and how to move forward and also being able to help others.   

[Sango216]

Hello Changed4safety!

I'm glad you found this helpful.  YES!  One of the hardest parts about these breakups in my opinion is stopping yourself from that "torture."  I made another post about this.  For me, it was looking at his websites to check up on him, and struggling with the idea of contacting him or him contacting me.  In the end, I convinced myself that contacting him was definitely not an option because it would give him power that he does not deserve, and it would hurt me because he could either ignore it or say hurtful things to me again.

Good for you (seeing two therapists)!  I believe that the best way to go is no contact.  It enables you to really think about everything that was said and done.  It lets you clear your head and prepare yourself just in case you do hear from them.  I feel as though when we are still "engaged" with our BPD exes and we argue, we're very vulnerable.  It's so easy for them to come back the next day and tell us "I'm sorry.  Let me make it up to you."  We take them back almost instantly because we haven't had any time in-between to really think about what is going on.  They've stripped us of our confidence and our ability to stand up for ourselves, leaving us with nothing to protect ourselves against their antics.  We are defenseless. 

With no contact, we can build ourselves back up and get our lives back in order. 

Best of luck to you!   

Sango