Greetings From the Lands of Neverwas

[AngelOfNeverwas]

I'm a thirty one year old female that lives with her "disabled" mother and HER crabby ass mother (my maternal gma), who is on social security. Me? Oh I'm unemployed, single, and have spent 18 months trying to adjust to living in this maddening hell of a social environment my mother keeps hidden special for those of us immediate family members behind closed doors and flowered porch baskets that have, (in my case through psychological sabotage and plain bad luck), come "home" for x-amount of time until "I can get my hit together again" (which the whole family knows will never happen anyhow).

Getting in is the easy part.  Getting out is the bhit.  Took me 8 years to get away the first time only to be so confused with my newfound control over my life I promptly racked up 10+ flubbed suicides. Medically I sometimes wonder if my cells are made of freaking titanium.

My mother has BPD.  Growing up as a kid in the eighties, there wasn't all that much I found different about her.  She loved all my friends, bought stuff and threw parties for us, always bought us the newest coolest stuff... . but even as a kid "I've never been as others were; never seen as others saw." (Edgar Alan Poe).

How does one explain this concisely?  Ok... .

My realization came after lengthy stays in psych wards, jail, lots of alcohol, and a wonderful man I met in one of those psych wards who is my earthly counterpart in MY land of Neverwas (my boyfriend).  He stalked me he ruled me he turned my world inside out and upside down and introduced me to parallel universes in which I did things to him that were evil and could be documented using hacking and phone records (so long as you read cuneiform) and thus punished though I never new I'd even left my house, let alone screwed his dad, joined a tantric sex cult, become leader of this cult and created a vanishing Internet trail for my members to stay on the DL, and eventually cause a girl to become so sucked into his explanation that she decided to burn her boyfriend's new kitchen down as revenge for some outlandish gossip that I had had sex with her boyfriend in their bed one height while she was past out and drugged next to us and my bf hid in the next room and heard it all through the walls!  Basically I ran out of the house of one BP and into the arms of another.

I stuck it out with him though... . and with my university education in neuroscience, psychology and anthropology and my love of a good mystery, I had begun reading a book called Evil Genes I acquired in a creepy chance sort of fashion and somewhere into Chapter 2 or 3 I stopped and said "holy crap".  Out loud, just like that. I put the book down, tilted my head to the side to let the giant knitting needles the book had unleashed finish knitting together with dextrous ease pieces of my life and mind I had thought even *I* had lost forever down that abysmal vortex that also consumes individual socks and new cigarette lighters.  I shrugged and said something professorial, such as, "Hmph... . " and resumed reading now 97% sure my bf had BPD and though focused on him, the realization that he and my mom shared so many of the same mannerisms, habits, EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, etc, wasn't too far away. 

And I digress again... . the point really is, the social isolation that has developed as a no fail coping mechanism against these BPs in my life turned out not to be quite so no fail as it convinced me to believe in the sense that I am, essentially, a nonproductive social invalid/member of society. Not good at age 31.  All the know how and facts and mantras one repeats and so on and so on is goose fluff compared to a nice rant with another REAL  fellow with a family member occupying a similar personality disorder profile that is ALSO REAL!

Mommy Dearest is home... . gotta run but I'll explore this place more later. I need support. ANY support... . to help cut through these spiderwebs of chaos of hers that I'm starting to find entangled in my own thinking again before I lose what minuscule chance I have left at building a productive life for myself and having a family of my own (my ovaries have begun ticking... . it's distressing).

[Kwamina]

Hi AngelOfNeverwas  

Dealing with BPD loved ones is very difficult, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you'll find that there are a lot of people on this website that can relate to what you're going through. I myself have an uBPD mom (and sis) and have experienced a lot of BPD drama. You say you're still in a relationship with your uBPD boyfriend, how is his behavior now?

I understand why you might feel like there's little chance left for you building a productive life for yourself and having a family of your own. Living with a BPD mom can make you feel this way. There is hope though and this website is a very good starting point for your recovery. I've found this site to be a very loving community, everybody is going through their own massive struggles with BPD loved ones, yet still manage to offer others compassion and support. Take care  

[Being Mindful]

Hello and 

I'm glad you found us and so sorry to hear how you are suffering. This site is filled with people who understand and care. There are a ton of resources to help too.

Here's one to get you started:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Keep posting and reading. It really does help.

What specific issues are most troubling right now? Do you have friends or other family members for support?

Being Mindful