My mother is a nightmare on FaceBook

[jase]

It's been a couple of years since I posted here.

To recap, I have a BPD mother.  She's been a little better toward me for the last little bit (with some flareups) since she knows I'll go NC again, but my sister is still taking the brunt of it since they live three miles apart (I moved 450 miles away).

My nephew will be three this summer, and my sister is afraid to leave him with my mother alone.  She only allows him over when my stepfather is around (he's a good man and my nephew adores him, but he's a bit of an enabler).  Lately, my sister is considering gradually lessening the time he spends around her - my mother speaks to my stepfather in a very ugly condescending way, and my sister doesn't want my nephew to think that is normal behavior.  She also wonders what my mother says about her to him when she isn't around.

The latest problem: Facebook.  My mother is a nightmare FBer.  Not only does she vomit everything about her life on there, she posts pictures of my nephew even after my sister has asked her to stop (she posts select family photos on her own account and told my mother that it's her decision what goes out there, to no avail).

The other issue that my sister is having is that my mother is positively trashing her on FB.  She doesn't mention names, but she went from nice to nasty in posts that were literally five minutes apart.  She's going on again about my sister being on drugs (she isn't), an alcoholic (she isn't), a bad mother (she certainly isn't), accused her of having an abortion (she had a miscarriage), and a terrible daughter (which she isn't and wouldn't be under normal circumstances).

The only reason my sister was FB friends with her was to keep tabs regarding her son, fwiw.

Yesterday my sister had enough and defriended and blocked her from FB.  Five minutes later, while I was on the phone with my sister, our mother called her demanding to know why she deleted her.  I listened (she called on a different line) as she berated my sister for everything she could think of (but couldn't come up with any specific examples) and cussed her out and again accused her of having an abortion.  She also demanded to know who told her something random the night she had her heart attack YEARS ago (she has thrown that up since), and went on and all.  My sister finally lost it, screamed at her for being an evil bhit, and hung up on her.  She hates her and is literally sick over the treatment.

My sister is a very successful business owner in their town in Georgia, and my mother seems determined to destroy her by spreading rumors and even going so far as to offer free work to her competitors.  My sister is even considering legal action if she continues.

Anyway, I'm glad this forum is here.

[GeekyGirl]

Ah, Facebook... . it can be such a great tool, but can also bring so much drama.

It seems like your mother will repost anything that she has access to, so it's a good idea for both you and your sister to only share things that you're ok with her seeing and reposting. Have you adjusted your privacy settings?

What's going on between your sister and your mother is really for them to resolve. Have you read up on the Karpman Triangle? From your post, it really appears that both of them are looking to you to "fix" what's happening between them. Can you have a relationship with one of them without involving the other?

[jase]

I deleted my mother and blocked her a long time ago, and my sister finally did it yesterday.

I guess I worded my post to sound like I'm being dragged in, but I'm really not.  I'm waiting for the inevitable rage call/text/email to happen anytime, and I'm pretty on edge because of it.  We all know there is nothing that any of us can do to "fix" it - our mother is undiagnosed and doesn't think anything is wrong with her.

Last night I asked my sister if she should simply disengage and go strict LC, and she's considering it.  Mom is going to rant and rave and spread rumors no matter what, and I imagine my sister is better off not knowing about it unless it directly affects her business.  They live in a small town in Georgia and everyone knows our mother is BSC while my sister is well-respected.

I've gone pretty LC with her myself.  When she starts to veer off with me, I gently try to pull her back, and if that doesn't work I get off the phone.

This has been hard for me.  My partner's mother died last month - she was wonderful - and I have this gnawing feeling that I need to be close to my mother since she will be gone one day.  Then reality sets in, and I just can't.  I hate that I rarely go down there to see my nephew or sister because I don't want to be around her.  The times we have, my partner and I get tense and we snap at each other and the manipulation begins.  We've stopped staying at her house, but she still has a terrible effect on everyone around her.