Hi Jalbright and
Ok sorry, of course this site isnt a curse (it's been amazing), but let me explain. I’m having some trouble as I’m looking back on my ex gfwBPD. I had her move out about 4 days ago, it’s obviously still very early and I’m coping. I’ve read dozens and dozen of threads on this site, now I guess I’m trapped comparing everyone else experiences w/ their BPD partner to my own. From what I’ve read there seems to be a somewhat common trend that their BPD partners were often cold hearted, mean, violent, untrustworthy, non-affectionate, and even cheaters. When comparing those traits to my ex it almost makes her seem just fine.
As similar as our BPD loved ones are, they are still individuals who make individual choices. They have different dispositions and different temperaments, so of course they will make different choices, to a degree. What I would say they share in common, are the same disordered motivations and disordered thought processes. How they react to these disordered feelings and thoughts may vary from person to person, but as far as I can tell they all have them.
The issues she did have were poor sense of self-worth, helplessness, paranoia (always worried I was up to something or some other women would swoop me away). She battled trust issues, and she would say “it’s not that I don’t trust you but I don’t trust other women” so this basically strangled away my independence as I never attempted to go out w/ friends in fear of dealing w/ her. She was an absolutely amazing gf when things were on her terms so to speak, and when she was fully aware of all that was going on. As soon as I exercised my independence to an extent which made her uncomfortable is when her issues really came through. And I never did anything to hurt her trust in me or to think in a suspicious way.
You say she "battled trust issues." I say she is dealing with a disordered fear of abandonment. Saying she doesn't trust other women is fine, but what she not saying is that she doesn't trust you either. The thing is, she trusts you when you are right in front of her. She doesn't trust you when she doesn't know where you are, or cannot see or contact you. And I argue, this is because she has a disordered fear that you will suddenly disappear from her life.
And it is this disordered imagined fear of abandonment that is strangling your independence. And one of the key differences between you and some of the other people posting on these boards is that her disordered fear of abandonment has not escalated to that degree... . yet.
See if you notice this particular pattern of behavior:
My understanding is that for people with BPD (pwBPD), their disordered feelings are particularly triggered by feelings of intimacy and familiarity. So after episodes when she feels especially close to you, may also be followed by episodes where she reacts to her imagined fear that you would abandon her. She may not state this outright. She might even deny feeling this way. You need to deduce if her behavior is consistent with this hypothesis.
So as I see it, her episodes should escalate as she grows more familiar with living with you, as you become more like *family* to her. See what happens if there is talk of engagement and marriage. See what happens after anniversaries or family holidays. Observe and document if that helps you keep track.
With that being said, she was never cold hearted and she always showered me with affection and compliments. She would have NEVER cheat on me and didn’t constantly have episodes of rage and anger (they were there but not all the time).
So long as her fear of abandonment is placated by your demonstrations of commitment, why should she ever cheat on you or be upset with you? But if her disordered feelings escalate, as I would expect they do (maybe in the following months? or years?) see if her behavior does not change.
Regardless I was no longer happy, I was losing physical attraction to her and honestly I stopped trying. She was putting more effort into the relationship than I was after a certain point. At least she may have been, but her issues never really got a lot better so I don’t know how much that can be true. I don’t know. I built up too much resentment and I guess I could never fully come to grips of being with and making the lifelong commitment w/ a BPD partner. Knowing these issues would take work for many years to come, it left a pit in my stomach that I could ignore. It just hard comparing her to other cause it makes her seem fine and now I have to look at if i made a mistake?
Well... . if you are not happy with her. And your attachment to her is diminishing, then I wouldn't expect her feelings of intimacy and familiarity towards you to increase. Actually behavior should probably be directly triggering her fear of abandonment. Because from her perspective, your diminishing attachment to her is interpreted as imminent abandonment. She will be desperate to do anything and everything to win you back. In some cases, pwBPD will threaten suicide in order to black mail their loved ones into staying.
If you are concerned that she may behave too desperately if you should leave her now. Another possible exit strategy is to give her the opportunity that find someone new, while at the same time feign participation with growing discontent in the relationship (i.e., bore her out of the relationship?). She needs to avoid abandonment. She will interpret you leaving her as abandonment. Let her abandon you.
You're the only person here who is directly interacting with her, so you'll have to use your best judgement to decide what is best for yourself. Still, based on what you have written here, I don't see her behavior as inconsistent with pwBPD.
Best wishes, Schwing
