Looking for a place of healing

[BlueCat]

I am looking for resources for dealing with family stress. Either online or places with IRL options. I have been in one on one therapy and honestly this board (the way it used to be) and the one peer group I attended helped me more than anything else. I want to talk to people who get it, people who are trying to better themselves and deal with things rationally and calmly, people who aren't against NC but don't push it.

I could use the old board right now. I'm happy I had my breakthrough crisis back when this board was alive and hopping and before the admin change killed it. I do need more people to bounce what I'm currently dealing with off of.

I signed on to another site but it's really harsh in the advice. It's more of a venting board I guess and it's useful in that regard.

I did enjoy the peer group I went to for adult who were abused as kids. I need a peer group for people dealing with family drama in a rational, calm way. People who would give suggestions but not jump immediately onto NC for everything. I need some give and take right now. VLC (practically but not quite NC) is the right answer for my sister and my mother, but it's not what I need for the inlaws or the rest of my family.

Mostly I just need a place to talk and be heard. People who get what I'm going through and get what I'm trying to move toward.

Sweeping it under the rug does not work, despite what my family thinks. I want more than that. I want peace  

Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

[Pilate]

Hi BlueCat,

I wonder if looking into some family systems work, the Bowen systems theory, might be helpful for you? There is a book called Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert that is helpful for the types of family relationship issues you are describing. Have you looked into any NAMI or adult children of alcoholics groups in your area? Even if you don't have parents who are alcoholics, some of the discussions, experiences, and philosophies of the groups relate well to families with dysfunctional systems and issues. In my experience, Bowen systems theory has helped me to understand more about myself and the family systems/dynamics my dh and I grew up in. While my SIL is uBPD, dh's family as a whole system has to be understood. SIL is only one part of a larger system of patterns and issues that are just poor coping and behavior patterns (although MIL is a bit of an N and my dad is, too, which is something that Bowen is good at explaining--we look for family systems that we have some familiarity with even when we try to escape from patterns/family systems we don't like). I have found NAMI and Gilbert's book helpful in this regard. In my own FOO, I have an alcoholic dad and some family members who have done their own personal work, and Gilbert's book and a therapist versed in Bowen's theory have helped me work on understanding myself and how I enter the family relationships around me. The awareness that Bowen theory provides has been really helpful for me, and perhaps understanding the family as a system of your dh could help you, too, in preserving your own boundaries and values. It is challenging if your in-laws and mom are friends.

Pilate

[BlueCat]

Thanks, I will look into that Bowen stuff and the book.

I did go to some ACOA stuff decades ago and did get a lot from the book even though in the end I decided it wasn't for me. My mother did drink too much but her issues were not caused by that (I now understand that more of course). My FIL (now deceased) was a violent alcoholic so I get that's an issue for the inlaws.