I looked at his profiles again

[Sango216]

I caved.  After almost a week of not looking at his online profiles, I did it today.  He has been having a great time... . going to look at caves... . hanging out with his new girlfriend.  I looked at her profile and she has a photo of them smiling as her display picture.  He put "The girl in this picture is beautiful" under the comments section and she put "Thanks."  Then he put "You're welcome" in her native language.  I'm hurt.  I'm angry.  What makes her so beautiful?  I shouldn't even be upset because he calls every girl beautiful.  It means nothing coming from him... . yet still, they look so happy.  Why is he so happy without me?  I know I shouldn't have looked. I did it anyway.  I cried for a little while, but then I went back to feeling numb.  I made fun of her to make myself feel better.  Who am I turning into?   

I also noticed that just as he was with me, he is very cautious not to show any signs of being "taken" on his profiles.  He refers to her as his friend and the photo of them together was not on his profile (it was on hers).  I don't know what's up with that.

[Simona]

Hello Sango216

Try not to let such things are going inside your head, the next gf of his is just another victim. She is now in the idolization period and feeling great but soon sadly will face the real person she is dating with.

I am married to a uBPD man, in our second month I found his old mails to his ex gf who he dated for longer than 3 years. I swear if I change the name and the few Russian words he was adding here and there to impress her (she was from Russia) the letters were same. The way he adored her, he adored me. The same jokes, same honesty, same compliments, same promises, same dramas. He had an online photo album with her, I saw all the places he took me in our relationship he also took her there before me. The same desserts we ate, same exact places we have been and even the name of the album were same `my best days` saying he had never been this happy.

The bottomline is, he cannot deal with his own emotions and same moment project all his attention to someone else to feel that he is loved, the reason is he doesn't feel worthy of love or doesn't have any sort of self love.

You are in your own story, as a non you are suffering and missing him. That's so normal and very much painful. Just hang on and try to remember this too shall pass. Focus only with your own being and try to find new ways to define yourself without him, and your ex relationship.

Sending you warm hugs

[PDX40]

I also noticed that just as he was with me, he is very cautious not to show any signs of being "taken" on his profiles.  He refers to her as his friend and the photo of them together was not on his profile (it was on hers).  I don't know what's up with that.

interesting point... . I recall the same. Even after years of being together and married, my ex had no pictures of her and me on her various online profiles, only with our daughter. One day I asked her why her status didn't show married and she replied "oh, I forgot and thought it was not so important." Go figure.

[Sango216]

Hello Simona.

Thank you.  I think what happened here is I had a moment of weakness and I forgot all of the horrible stuff he did to me.  When that happens, I go to a dark, desperate place.  It feels like I did after he painted me black that last day.  It hurts.  

I hate that... . the fact that nothing is original with them.  It's like all of the things they did for us that we thought made us special or significant meant nothing because it was all a part of their scheme to reel in another victim.  

The bottomline is, he cannot deal with his own emotions and same moment project all his attention to someone else to feel that he is loved, the reason is he doesn't feel worthy of love or doesn't have any sort of self love.

Deep down I know this is true.  I just find it difficult to believe.  He was always so certain that he's perfect and that any woman would gladly date him.  He was always super confident and so sure of himself.

[Sango216]

Same here.  I trusted him even when I knew he'd be thousands of miles away in another country.  I had no doubt in my mind that he only wanted me.  Then I started getting screenshots of things he was saying to other women online from a family member.  It was embarassing and it sparked a series of arguments about how disrespectful it was for him to say the things he was saying.  It was as if I did not exist.

Yes, I think social networking can be very hazardous to the healing process after dating a pwBPD.  We've already established that what we had wasn't real, or at least it wasn't as real as we thought it was.  Social networking makes it easier for us to seek confirmation of this, and this information only hurts us in the end.  Just the other day I posted about how I wouldn't look anymore, I'd stop torturing myself, etc.  Now here I am.

Unfortunately we may never know exactly what we meant to them.  They use us for different reasons.  As I was writing this, a thought occurred to me.  Perhaps their hesitance to make our presence known via social networking is due to their fear of abandonment.  Maybe they are afraid that making things "public" will cause us to abandon them, or maybe they want to be able to save face in the event that we do leave them.  That way they don't have to go through the whole "so and so went from being in a relationship to single" thing. 

[PDX40]

Interesting thought, Sango. It might be true but it's not easy to make sense if the "unsenseable". Just a few weeks ago my sister in law called and told me that my ex is planning on moving together with a guy she knew online even during "my time". There it was again: the love of her life, best friend, saviour, soulmate, future husband... . all available on her online profile. He was there on vacation, visiting the same places we did, years ago. Sick.

Two weeks ago, my ex called me, saying that she still has feelings for me, bla bla bla. According to her everyone deserves a second chance. I told her: you already got hundreds of second chances. Her reply: at least I tried and also can say that to our daughter.

Hang in there, Sango. One day at a time. We'll all make it.

[Simona]

Hmm this case about relationships and how they want to keep it secret, that reminded me of something about my h. My BPD changed his relationship status after I changed mine, he was so happy and then in a week or so added my name saying `in a relationship with Simona x` that was a year ago when we first start dating.

Then one day he was chatting with my step sister via my step mum account and I came home, when I look at his page from my stepmums account I saw that his relationship status were hidden. I confronted him, he said some lame excuses about how he likes his private life to be hidden bla bla, I changed my status same moment then he made it public.

Now he says if ever we get divorce (btw I am leaving him in a week, I could be gone yesterday but I was too sentimental and changed my departure date when I had three days, then he attacked me again so this time hopefully its for the good) he will block his account and will never open it again cos he can't deal with the questions and stuff.

Thou in online environment he is open about me, in real life he comes home everyday saying today on boat there were two girls were checking him out and he wanted to flirt cos they were so sexy, wearing bikini etc and needless to say I am not allowed to wear bikini anymore!

[slimmiller]

interesting point... . I recall the same. Even after years of being together and married, my ex had no pictures of her and me on her various online profiles, only with our daughter. One day I asked her why her status didn't show married and she replied "oh, I forgot and thought it was not so important." Go figure.

Mine did almost the exact same. On her fb from the very beginning she never had any pics of me or our kids. It was like she was embarrassed to be seen publicly with us in the fb personna she was projecting. Her relationship status was never 'married' or 'in a relationship'. In reality, although she didnt physically cheat for years, she certainly was not honest and on the level with me or anybody for that matter.

Funny thing is she has since traveled to foreign countries to visit 'penpals' that are of the opposite sex (and yet are only her bffs ) and she has pics of him and his nieces plastered all over her fb. When I asked what he and his family thought of the fact that she has four kids, she said, "oh I didnt tell him". ( I have since blocked her completely from my fb and I cant even see hers)

Also as for them doing the same thing with their next lover, its all a repeat. I have seen pics of mine after the guy she ran out on me for, exact same poses, including the same embraces, same exact repeat with guy number two as guy number one. While it hurts to see and know that rubbish, it only confirms to me how sad it has to be to have no real persona of your own as it appears to be the case with them

[stop2think]

I think we find ourselves in those weak/restless moments of 'finding' what's happening with our ex's, who we still seem to have feelings for - be it good or bad. It just hurts us affects us in turn - if he updates anything (practically anything) which means he is living his life without any hint that suggests he misses us... . or its maddening just thinking 'why' aren't any updates being made 'what is he trying to hide'... . They still seem to be messing up with our minds even now when they are gone... . doing what they like even now... .

That just goes to say how we give away control to them even today... . when we should be the sole owners of our lives all the time... . They don't deserve to rent our mind space ever... . how weak are we after all?

I tell myself each time i log onto fb, that i would NOT view his or his gf's profile... . or anyone related to him... . Just channelising my anger to restrain myself from doing this no matter how tempted i might be... . He removed me from his life, from his gmail account... . did not block me yet... . the pain turned into anger... . waiting for it to turn into pitty and then peace... .

I have decided not to log on to fb for sometime... .

[stop2think]

Promise yourself, or you know what the 'rubber band' trick works for me - i snap it on my wrist (not too hard) each time i am entering 'his zone'... . even when i find myself thinking of him or talk about him unnecessarily

Sorry,correction - i wont look into his wife's profile either... .

[Sango216]

PDX40:

It is very sick.  I wonder though... . mine doesn't seem to be doing the same things that he did with me.  When he was here in the states, all we were able to do was see movies and stuff.  Good for you (for telling your ex that she has already had too many chances)!

Simona:

Everything they do is confusing and makes my head hurt, honestly.  I don't get it.  Mine told me "I don't want to put anything online because that's when other girls try to mess things up."  Good for you (for leaving)!  I'm sorry he attacked you again though.  You don't deserve that, no one does.

Slimmiller:

About that online persona, it sort of makes sense to me.  My ex, he wasn't the most popular guy in high school.  He was pretty corny, and now it seems like he uses photos of himself traveling (which he gets to do because of his job) and going to clubs or whatever he does as a way to make himself seem cooler than he once was.  It's like after he graduated, he had the chance to reinvent himself.

Stop2think:

It really does hurt us in the long run.  We are the ones suffering while they are going on about their lives without a care in the world.  I know I can stop looking.  I guess I just got caught up in my curiosity yesterday.  I wish I could go back and undo it.  I guess I'm starting over.

[mango_flower]

I can so relate.

My ex LOVED to put all over facebook that she was with me, she was totally codependent (so was I).  But she's behaved even MORE so with her new gf (fiancee) than I ever got!  Every status (before she deleted me) was about her... .

Also, my ex got the new girl's name tattooed on her.  She never did that for me! (not that I'd have wanted it).

Sango, I think it hurts so much as they were our everything, yet to them, we're so easily replaceable. Whereas we're still at the stage where we simply can't imagine being with anyone else.  And it's just not fair!

You're not alone. x

[Sango216]

I wonder what that means to them... . being "open" via social networking with their partner.  Does it make it that much more "real" to them?"  Do they believe that you'll be around for a while and that's why they're okay with it?  Sometimes I feel like my ex was thinking "I won't put anything up here about her so if we break up no one will ask questions."

It's so weird though because I never considered him to be codependent, or to feel like he always needed someone there.  Before me, he hadn't been in a relationship in a while because his last girlfriend broke his heart.  He said she couldn't handle the distance between him but I don't think I got the full story.  Does it make him any less of a pwBPD because he didn't immediately replace his old girlfriend with someone new? 

It does hurt.  It's like when we were together I didn't exist, and now I still don't.  I think it would've hurt more if he had put photos of them up together (he may have and they just aren't public), but because she did it I don't feel as bad.  IDK.  Everyone keeps telling me "Anyone can make you feel what he made you feel... . "  They don't get it.  No one can.  I tried.  My friend who has helped me through this... . he gives me attention all the time but I don't want it.  It's not the same at all.  I even called him last night when I was crying and it didn't really help. 

And my friends keep saying "Love yourself first... . yadyadya."  I love myself.  I really do.  It's just so hard to let go.  I want him to love me too and miss me.  I want him to know what he missed out on,  but instead he's over there having a great time with his new Asian goddess.

[Changed4safety]

  Sango!  I keep saying this, but I identify so much with you. 

I too have been caving.  And like some others have said, my ex totally had an online persona.  We met playing an online videogame, and he used to do what is called "ERP" (Erotic Role Play) as his characters.  He kept doing that for years after we were together, lying to me about it.  Can you imagine stumbling on an IM chat with another woman with him writing the SAME EROTIC LINES to her as to you?  And yet I stayed. 

He also put "in a relationship with" so I could see it, but apparently others could not.  After we broke up and were sort of recycling (I was still planning on moving away) I confronted him about it.  He got furious over it, "That was months ago, it's just Facebook!  It's just social media!" like that explained everything.  By then I was terrified of his violence, so told myself, "It's just Facebook." >< 

What's hurting me now is that after two weeks of him telling me "It's casual" he has IDd the new girl as his "girlfriend."  It took him years to acknowledge me.  And he's done it twice now.  No pics of them together yet, no status update, no lovey stuff on her page, but he never did that.  But he did brag about her. 

I realize this is my issue, my core wound--craving permission to "exist"   and he is honestly doing nothing.  He's dropped the knife, I have picked it up and am stabbing myself.

Later today I will finally get him off my phone line.  Another tie severed.  Thank God. 

We WILL get through this, there are days when I feel great, and I am realizing more and more how much power I have over my own thoughts.  I still slip--but it's a process.  Hang in there!

[Sango216]

Changed4safety:

They're totally different people online.  It's scary.  He made it so only you could see it?  That's so mean.  He tricked you.  You mentioned that you were terrified of his violence.  This question probably seems strange, but is it possible that this could happen for those of us who were long distance too?  Mine was thousands of miles away, yet I was afraid to bring up certain things because it'd start arguments.  Just the other day I woke up sweating because I had a dream that I sent him a message meant for someone on this board.  In my dream, I remember telling myself "He's going to let you have it this time.  He'll never forgive you.  He'll say you betrayed his trust."  I was so scared.  I think it had a lot to do with the things he said to me 2 months ago.  He completely flew off the handle and said awful things to me.  Those words still echo in my mind sometimes and it hurts so bad.

It's amazing to me how they choose the ones they are exclusive with, and that only hurts us more because most of us are already insecure or wondering "What makes him/her so special?"  Yes, the desire to exist is terrible.  I crave some sort of acknowledgment, even if it's a photo of them that says "Look how happy I am without you."

Thank you for your support Changed4safety.

[Changed4safety]

He also forbade me to check his computer (which never would have occurred to me if he hadn't mentioned it so much) because it reminded him of the woman he used to live with who never gave him privacy.  Turns out he was telling me that so he could cheat with multiple women.  (I found out from an old girlfriend, and then more than once he left his computer up--another time I used his old phone when I lost mind and found pics and texts he had SAVED of sexting someone during a period when I was spending $200 a week on couples therapy; he lied to me and the therapist).  In the end, I KNOW I don't want him back.  I've refused him again and again.  What I'm dealing with is why I CARE that he's with someone else and I've dropped off the planet--I think it's because I wanted SOME acknowledgement that I meant something over those five years/$100,000 I spent on him.  (He claimed the new girl after she'd won $30K... . I don't think that's a coincidence.)  

Mine was/is an "impulse hater."  He was not a long term, "revenge is a dish best served cold" person.  He was impulsive and would scream, punch walls, break things, cut himself, threaten (and attempt) suicide, shove me, and three times he choked me.  Usually it was forgotten by the next day, and woe unto me if I referenced it--it'd start the whole thing over again.

That's really why I left.  Not the lies or the cheating (which I should have left for first), but the fact that I lived in a state of poised fight-or-flight constantly.  It could go from great to horrible in two sentences.  He was too erratic and chose to have no self-control when it came to me.  He doesn't know he's BPD (his therapist opted not to tell him), he has been diagnosed as bipolar and PTSD.  I couldn't live with someone I was afraid of--i couldn't be with someone I didn't trust.  In the last year, he did try, but by then too much had happened.  

*hugs*  

EDIT:  Haha, I typed "lost mine" as "lost mind"... . Freudian slip!

[leftbehind]

After 7 and a half months, I asked my ex to put "in a relationship" on his facebook status.  It turned into a fight.  He kept saying facebook is so silly.  I said, this means something to me.  If it is such a little thing, why not do it if it's something I need.  He said because I was asking him to change something about himself.

So the next day I apologized and told him I didn't want him to change something about himself if it didn't feel right, and that I would understand.  

He ended up putting "in a relationship" on his profile the next day.  I thanked him so much, but inside I got a bad feeling from it.

Two weeks later he broke up with me.

[Sango216]

Changed4safety:

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all of that, but I'm glad you found the strength to get out of such an awful situation.  I couldn't imagine living in fear like that.  I actually had a dream a couple of days ago that made me realize I was, in a way, afraid of my former boyfriend.  He's thousands of miles away so he couldn't hurt me physically, but I was afraid of his words and the harsh things he would say.  I found myself feeling sort of "stupid" when it came to him.  I remember one time, he told me he was going to the mall.  I asked him if he was going alone and he said "You must not pay attention.  I told you I can't go off base alone."  I had simply forgotten that he had to have someone with him.  Then another time I asked him about one of his tattoos and he said "I told you already.  You don't remember anything."  He was so critical and nasty.  I would sometimes go over the things I said because I knew he could be highly critical.  It was like I was always under a microscope.

[GreenMango]

Sango its hard to detach and make sense of all the things.

It doesn't sound like looking at his profile is helping, its adding to the hurt and confusion.  It definitely isn't helping to compare yourself to the new person.  That's gotta hurt. 

Can you block this stuff?

[letmeout]

He's dropped the knife, I have picked it up and am stabbing myself.

Wow, I've never heard anyone put it this way, but I can totally relate.

[Sango216]

Leftbehind:

It amazes me how they make us feel bad for making requests that are "normal" to other people.  That whole "changing me" thing really bothers me.  Before I found out about BPD (or suspected that my ex had it), I just thought he was a jerk.  I would ask him to stop saying harsh things to me and "filter" himself.  He would often say "Well you keep trying to change me and turn me into your perfect boyfriend."  That wasn't what I wanted at all.  I just wanted him to stop putting me down and pressuring me.

I even fed into it and told him that yes, I did want to change him but it was only to make him a better person.  I told him that I appreciate him even trying to change his ways for me.  

[Sango216]

Greenmango:

Yes, detaching is very difficult.  I know I shouldn't look because in the end I only hurt myself.  I have access to two different facebook accounts (my sister's and my cousin's).  I don't have one anymore, but I get on theirs a lot when I'm bored.  I blocked him from both of their accounts so if I get tempted to look him up, it won't show me anything.

[GreenMango]

Good!

FYI You are lovable - he doesn't get to define that.  And the new chick isn't the measuring stick for you.  Remember that.

[Sango216]

Greenmango:

Aww, thank you!  You're right.   

[GreenMango]

er typo above ... . she isn't the measuring stick.

It's hard to not do this and hurt ourselves more at the end - but really you are worthy of a great person and someone who treats you right. 

No. 1 of 10 (False) Beliefs

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our BPD partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Read more

He doesn't. 

[Sango216]

Thank you Greenmango! 

[Simona]

Mine was/is an "impulse hater."  He was not a long term, "revenge is a dish best served cold" person.  He was impulsive and would scream, punch walls, break things, cut himself, threaten (and attempt) suicide, shove me, and three times he choked me.  Usually it was forgotten by the next day, and woe unto me if I referenced it--it'd start the whole thing over again.

Wow! That's something clearly defines my uBPD H! The things he did to me are clearly and abuse but then no way to talk about it because he wipes all his memories and can come next to me and sleep like a lost child and doesn't get if I am still angry at him or hurt or whatsoever.

You clearly had a lot of drama and I just hope things are much better for you and ofcourse for all others who are/were in same position with us.