Maintaining distance while ensuring a loved one is safe

[nomoremommyfood]

I'm sorry if I've been monopolizing these boards, lately (and wrote this while kinda drunk). Please let me know if there's anything I can do to "give back" to the community for all this help!

A few weeks ago, I began posting about a sudden and unexpectedly brutal fight I'd had with my dBPDbf of six years. After a week of silent treatment and a near-nervous breakdown on my part, contact seemed to slowly be returning to normal over the past few days with a joking text yesterday morning and I began looking forward to a reunion. I talked to him on the phone a few hours later and - while it was nice to hear him, again - I sadly realized he was self-destructing. Mike, along with BPD, compulsively gambles. This is something I accept, though believe harm reduction measures should be more in place. He's been on a losing streak for the past three months, correlating with his depression growing more severe. I learned yesterday that, while avoiding me, he'd gambled almost to the point of bankruptcy.

We chat this morning on Facebook, then over the phone, and he was clearly volatile and snapped at me for anything and everything. In prior depressive episodes, being physically together has caused nothing but fighting and he's recently made it clear that - when he's gone beyond a certain point - he won't come near me. To me, this is a good thing. I told him that, while I wanted to hang out with him, it was okay to keep his distance as needed and that I wanted to remain supportive and helpful in any way possible.

Then, he starts in with the "only way I or anyone else can help is by getting him a gun". And all the suicide talk. This time, things are worrying me. When he wasn't so on edge, I used to go to his house to do "well-being checks" when he'd turned his phone off. I've already told him that, if I get worried, I have to call an ambulance, claiming I "wouldn't want anyone to sue me for abetting in your death" which he doesn't buy. I'm kind of at a loss. He threatens suicide daily but this time, admittedly, he's got better cause than ever. Plus the suicide statistics for gambling addiction are higher than substance abuse... . added onto BPD minus the twice weekly therapy he's supposed to attend. Though I trust his roommate, the man is in a room alone all day with the only person trained to watch for suicide indications (me) intentionally kept at arm's length.

I don't want to sacrifice our relationship via "not giving him distance." But this guy doesn't have anyone else looking out for him... . including his own family! The best I can do is keep checking on him remotely and hope for the best... . right?

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[HazelJade]

I understand your concerns very well.

And I think the title of your thread already contains the answer; the key is to "express your support and concern for the other person while firmly maintaining your personal limits."

I have found this link very useful in similar circumstances.

www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/BPD-articles/?What-to-do-when-feeling-manipulated-by-suicide-threats-10

Also, I think that his hidden request to you is that you stop accepting his gambling addiction and ask him lovingly but firmly to make a serious step towards therapy regarding this, cause the shame and the financial loss coming from gambling are the first cause of his suicide talking. It can destroy anybody, let alone someone with BPD.

That is something very definite and practical to address, in a way it's easier than therapy for the whole BPD. Get help, and refuse to be the only one who carries all this on her shoulders: it's unfair towards you and it's not helpful for him, I reckon.

Stay strong.

[nomoremommyfood]

Thanks for writing back - I didn't think I'd get any responses and have avoided the compulsive gambling forums after just hearing "dump this jerk."

Also, I think that his hidden request to you is that you stop accepting his gambling addiction and ask him lovingly but firmly to make a serious step towards therapy regarding this, cause the shame and the financial loss coming from gambling are the first cause of his suicide talking. It can destroy anybody, let alone someone with BPD.

Aaaaannnnndddd you might be right about the desire to stop gambling. For months, he's been saying that, if he continues to lose, he's going to stop playing at the end of the summer. I thought staying true to this statement might be causing him anxiety and, while he denied it, he continues to bring it up.

Except... . I really screwed up, here.

He repeatedly says, "it looks like you might finally get your wish." Yet, quitting gambling was never my wish. Because I tend to say what I really think over what you're "supposed" to say, I've been telling him I don't believe he can stop gambling. Which is true - he's gambled for 25 years, he uses it as his sole coping mechanism, his whole family does it, and he's somehow going to stop cold turkey? Sometimes I update this to "I wish you could but I don't think you can stop without professional help." Or, even worse, "I think some people need to gamble; they're in too deep to ever quit." Which, although true, is probably not good. But I don't want him to have unrealistic expectations!

Get help, and refuse to be the only one who carries all this on her shoulders: it's unfair towards you and it's not helpful for him, I reckon.

This is not easy, unfortunately. Luckily, the majority of people he still associates with are in agreement but finding any sort of health care aside from the anonymous programs (5% success rate) is very difficult, time-consuming, and mired in red tape. He has insurance and has given me is social security number but the company - and his family - isn't cooperative.

The main thing in the way is the distance. He's contact with me is significantly limited and he's so irritable, I'm constantly afraid of being relegated back to "no speaking" territory. Yesterday, he snapped at me for "tactlessly" bringing up the subject of horse racing - the primary subject of 80% of our recent conversations (and my "intro" to get him to break silences). So I'm trying to tread lightly right now, letting him know I'm here to help, and waiting for things to settle enough for us to be in the same room.

So far, I haven't seen him in 16 days but something like having a final stab at a lifetime habit is pretty good reason to isolate, I guess.