How do you live a normal life?

[Jeansok]

I am new to these boards and just from what I'm reading and discovering I was curious how if you are supposed to keep quiet about your SO's BPD ... . It just dawned on me by trying to make plans with friends and family and not being broken depending on how he feels how are you supposed to hide something like that just don't ever do anything because your spouse doesn't feel like it because of his mood? I know I can do things alone I am just talking about when we are invited together.  Plus I don't want to do things alone that's why I married him to share my life with him. It is just all so hard I have been married for a year and a half and just discovered that my H has all the traits of BPD

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jeansok]

I am just wondering because I have read its not a good idea to talk a lot about it to others that are close to us. I would think it would make it better for people to understand? But regardless I do have a lot of people close that know

[garthaz]

There is another recent thread called "Social Events."

Basically the theory is that you downplay the event, if they don't go, you just go by yourself. If they ask why you can be like me and say they are sick, or you can just say that they decided not to come.

Read the responses and it may be helpful.

[Jeansok]

Thank you I will check it out. I try and not bring things up way in advance but it doesn't seem like I can win either way . If I tell him last minute I didn't prepare him if I tell him too far in advance he doesn't want to think about it because it's so far out... .

[garthaz]

Yes, that sounds very familiar. Sometimes you may also inform them, and they will "Forget" and still get upset you did not inform them. I know that one person that posted a response said her husband has only attended an event with her 2 times.

[Rockylove]

my fiance is very conscious of what my friends will think of him.  He knows I have a very close and loving group of friends who have welcomed him with open arms... . they really do like him, but his insecurities get to him and on occasion, he won't attend social events with me.  I go alone.  And I come home to him.  I don't make excuses for him.  If he's being a butt head I just say he's not feeling social and leave it at that.  We have a party coming up that he RSVP'd to a month ago and has been stressing about it ever since.  If he goes, I'll be happy... . if he doesn't go, I'll be happy going by myself.  There are only 2 friends that I've told about the situation and they are the most non-judgmental people I know.  I chose these two friends because they aren't going to hold anything I tell them against my bf yet they are the ones I can count on if I need a place to retreat from the situation.  Not everyone has to know my business.

[bruceli]

my fiance is very conscious of what my friends will think of him.  He knows I have a very close and loving group of friends who have welcomed him with open arms... . they really do like him, but his insecurities get to him and on occasion, he won't attend social events with me.  I go alone.  And I come home to him.  I don't make excuses for him.  If he's being a butt head I just say he's not feeling social and leave it at that.  We have a party coming up that he RSVP'd to a month ago and has been stressing about it ever since.  If he goes, I'll be happy... . if he doesn't go, I'll be happy going by myself.  There are only 2 friends that I've told about the situation and they are the most non-judgmental people I know.  I chose these two friends because they aren't going to hold anything I tell them against my bf yet they are the ones I can count on if I need a place to retreat from the situation.  Not everyone has to know my business.

BPDw doesn't care about what my friends or even children think of her in terms of her behavior, however she really cares about what my parents think of her.  This is because they help her out in times of need so she has to keep up the mask for them.  She actually goes out of her way to help when needed.

[Chosen]

Like Rockylove, my H is very, very, very sensitive as to how people will think of him/ may think of him.  He always claims he couldn't care less how people see him, but he actually feels very insecure and even if there's a hint of anything that *may* cause people to see him in a less-than-perfect light, he would flip. 

Jeansok, I'm newly married myself, and shortly after marriage I discovered that H has most of the BPD traits (although he certainly had them before, I was blind to them and too deep in the FOG).  I have to admit it takes a lot of getting used to, and accepting that perhaps our marriage will not be the same as what I had in mind.

You mentioned that you don't want to do things alone, and that is why you married him.  I know that it's fun doing thing together, and we tend to think that married people have to do most things together.  But the fact is, many people don't.  My suggestion for you is to learn to enjoy the "alone" times, so that when you're "forced" to be alone, you will enjoy that.  Sometimes detaching a little bit (or stop being so enmeshed in one another's life) will do your relationship good as well- when you're together it feels more "together".

[VeryFree]

I had to do a lot of things alone. She often found excuses, or just started arguing just before we left.

Afterwards always claiming I was the one that started the arguement, so I could go alone and have fun without her. 

I used a lot of different excuses, but right now I don't know if this was the right thing to do. The collaps of my r/s was quite a surprise for a lot of people. Thinking back I maybe should have told more people about the troubles, so I would have had more support during the years of abuse.

[Wishful thinking]

Plus I don't want to do things alone that's why I married him to share my life with him.


Hi Jeansok.

This is the same thoughts that went through my mind many times

Its not like you asking for a major thing here etc (although we need to eep in mind that for them it is MAJOR) I wish many times that my h can join me spontaneously for supper or breakfast or even shopping. I do all these things on my own. Spontaneity is out of the door. Because they want their routine.

Friends and colleaques invites us out but I ended up making excuses for him and then because i dont feel like being the odd one out i decide not to go either. But these days im open to say that my h does not prefer socialising. And strangely ppl stopped asking me if we wanted to join them for social events etc. funny thing is they started to make appointments if they wanted to see me etc which i like  it kinda works for me ie people not inviting us because then i dont feel like im missing out on anything. It does wonders to the jealousy factor that im struggling with at the moment ie looking at other happy couples.

And maybe this is where radical acceptance comes in?  For me this meant socialising, shopping, doing things on my own or with friends etc. I imagine it like living a single life again... .

Accepting that we cannot change them but only ourselves. I was on the verge of turning a new leaf regarding radical acceptance until my h came to tell me he is leaving.  However, reading thru all the posts and viewpoints of others, we actually do have a choice. But choice is not something we often want to listen to.  If he goes thru with everything he says, then i choose not to stand in his way. Its the least i can do for myself.

[Jeansok]

Wishful Thinking... . I hope I can get where you are on that. Because I am struggling immensely with this and be jealous over other "normal" couples... . I do enjoy to do my own thing at times, but don't we all 

[tootiefruitie]

Oh Jeansok, I can relate Hun.

Going with me to gatherings, get togethers or holiday celebration with family is what makes me happy. And we argue, and argue over it. He has to let me know all his negative emotions about either going to, or hosting. He's like this ticking timebomb on my shoulder.

And it's the ONE thing that I would like support on. Just ONE. I would dearly like it if he came with me, so we could be a couple. And I feel very let down, and hurt and resentful that my needs are sacrificed for his BPD. It just seems selfish and childish on his part.

So he gets to stay home, and put his feet up and watch tv. But I take the kids and everything else.

I'm embarassed and don't know what to say to friends and family why he isn't there. They just wonder why he doesn't like their company.

[Jeansok]

I know what you mean tootiefruitie - it's very hard. And it's hard for family and friends not to take it personal. It makes me happy to do that kind of stuff too... . and before we were married and together we went out together, but come to think of it, he didn't do much of that with me then, but didn't realize why. When we got back together (not knowing about BPD) - we talked about what eachother wants in our relationship, that was one of the things I brought up and he said he'd like to be able to do that kind of stuff with me to. A year an half later and it's not that way... . I feel like a single mom

[briefcase]

It's hard when your dreams and expectations for your marriage bump into the hard wall of reality.  We all have the bruises to prove it.   

As far as others are concerned - my opinion is that its ok to let some of your close friends and family know that there are some issues.  I told my parents and a few friends that I thought my wife had BPD (my parents agreed).  I don't regret it, it felt necessary at the time.  But, if I could do it over, with the benefit of hingsight, I think I would have talked more about some of the challenges and less about my "diagnosis."  Things like - W gets angry and hurt quickly and says some really nasty things when she's like that, and its causing us some problems right now, instead of I think W has BPD and people with BPD say mean and nasty things.

You need the support of your friends and family.  Its important that you not sacrifice those relationships in an attempt (an attempt that will fail, by the way) to appease your spouse.  It's ok to go to the family events, dinners, etc. without him.  If they ask why he's not there, you can simply say he was having a bad day and needed some time to himself.  Eventually, they quit asking and the new "normal" is that maybe he comes with you, maybe he doesn't, and no one is much surprised either way. 

Reconciling yourself to the reality of your marriage can be much harder.  It's about your boundaries in a relationship - what can you live with, what can you learn to live with, what do you even want to learn to live with?  Spend some time thinking about your limits, and maybe read up about the ways to communicate your needs to him and see if he responds (see DEARMAN, for example).  It's your life, you get to decide how you live it - but, these are not easy things, I know.

[Jeansok]

Thank you briefcase, that feels like the hardest part i don't even want to have to deal with!... . but I realize that's not possible. I don't want to live life this way, but knowing what the right and wrong thing to do is hard in itself and the plan for my life. I rely a lot on faith

[allibaba]

It's hard when your dreams and expectations for your marriage bump into the hard wall of reality.  We all have the bruises to prove it.   

For me its easy to forget that normal marriages (ie two non BPDs) also encounter their fair share of issues... . and at times they run into the hard walls of reality.  Sometimes I am pondering some issue that I am having at home and start to blame it on BPD (something like my husband doesn't listen to me sometimes)... . I have to stop and realize that it may not be a BPD issue... . it may be normal relationship/ communication stuff... . we just have it a little harder at times because our spouses don't necessarily have the same coping skills... .   and we get to ride (or work on avoiding the ride) of the ups and downs that have nothing to do with us.

But really... . how many of you know people that were married for 20 yrs and then one day one of them woke up and said 'I'm done'... . it happens ALL the time.

But, if I could do it over, with the benefit of hingsight, I think I would have talked more about some of the challenges and less about my "diagnosis."  Things like - W gets angry and hurt quickly and says some really nasty things when she's like that, and its causing us some problems right now, instead of I think W has BPD and people with BPD say mean and nasty things.

I agree.  The person that finally put me onto to BPD was a psychologist with an excellent reputation who happens to specialize in NPD/ BPD.  He said that he doesn't even formally diagnose EVER because he doesn't see the benefit of it.

You need the support of your friends and family.  Its important that you not sacrifice those relationships in an attempt (an attempt that will fail, by the way) to appease your spouse.  It's ok to go to the family events, dinners, etc. without him.  If they ask why he's not there, you can simply say he was having a bad day and needed some time to himself.  Eventually, they quit asking and the new "normal" is that maybe he comes with you, maybe he doesn't, and no one is much surprised either way. 

  I love this.  Thanks.

It's your life, you get to decide how you live it - but, these are not easy things, I know.

I love this too.  Thanks!

[Wishful thinking]

@Jeansok

Before we got married he assured me and our pastor that he will have children with me. He changed his mind few months ago. Even tho i desparately want children I couldnt see myself having children with my h because i would be a single mom. You saying that you are feeling like single mom confirmed my doubts. I dont have children yet, but i can empathize with what you must be going thru.

[Jeansok]

I wouldn't trade my son for anything in the world, he is an absolute JOY! ... . but had I known all this before I don't know that I would have moved forward with any part of it... . I hate to say that really! I do love my husband immensely and the BPD is so new, I'm hopeful with him wanting to get help, but not sure he even knows what for (just our marriage) which I'm finding out that's best he doesn't get a pre-mature diagnosis, especially from me... .

But I have no doubt he has BPD it puts everything together in a nutshell. There's no way he doesn't

[NoSocks]

hearing all of your replies has me breathing a sigh of relief. I am not alone. my husband has the exact same issues, but more so with family. I call it his 'reciprocal' actions. Because I choose not to be around his family he now says he will not be around mine. Of course there are moments that he changes his mind (predictably unpredictable) but rare is the case.

   

[waverider]

Change your view of what normal is. You will not have a "normal" life, but that does not mean it can't be a happy or fulfilling one. It will just beat to a different tune.

You dont have to hide your partners disorder, neither do you have to go into over explanations or apologizing. It just is, others will not understand an attempt at explaining BPD, they will just glaze over and you will get frustrated

Become less enmeshed and more independent. If they will do things with you good, if not still live your life. Don't pressure them to fit in, don't inhibit yourself or you will be isolated and develop resentment.

If they have issues with this, that is their stuff. You are still entitled to your own stuff.

You are like two trees growing side by side with intertwined branches. You are not a branch of their tree. Keep yourself planted on your own patch of the ground. You can still grow and develop regardless of what they do.

[allibaba]

Change your view of what normal is. You will not have a "normal" life, but that does not mean it can't be a happy or fulfilling one. It will just beat to a different tune.

You dont have to hide your partners disorder, neither do you have to go into over explanations or apologizing. It just is, others will not understand an attempt at explaining BPD, they will just glaze over and you will get frustrated

Become less enmeshed and more independent. If they will do things with you good, if not still live your life. Don't pressure them to fit in, don't inhibit yourself or you will be isolated and develop resentment.

If they have issues with this, that is their stuff. You are still entitled to your own stuff.

You are like two trees growing side by side with intertwined branches. You are not a branch of their tree. Keep yourself planted on your own patch of the ground. You can still grow and develop regardless of what they do.

This is what I am in the middle of actively doing right now!  Thank you for this waverider... . its a great analogy!

[Jeansok]

Yes thank you waverider. Guess I was too busy thinking about the negative of what I quote on quote can't have and I know I need to focus on the positive and what can be... . Its just hard but thank you for the reminder I know I need to work on this and I still can have a happy fulfilling life after all it's up to me