I had an epiphany

[Octoberfest]

I have been in contact with my dBPDex the last two days or so.  I hit my all time low after being NC with her for 4 days, finally was able to cry and release some of my pent up emotions, and felt amazing afterwards... . Not happy per se, but calm.  It was kind of eerie.  I had accepted a lot of it.  I realized it and thought I would contact her and tell her about it.  After a little chatting she said,

"I'm proud to have had you in my life. now forget about me and the garbage I brought into your life and go do great things,".  

I asked "why do you say forget me?"

and she replied "Because I was never good for you. You are a much better person that I could ever dream of being and as sad as it is we both know it is true.  So just forget it all ok.  Please.  :)on't let it bring you down anymore.  :)on't let it stop you from loving.  Just go be that amazing man you are ok.  Can you do that for me?"

It felt really good to hear her say that.  To acknowledge what she had put me through.  I shared with her that I hadn't been sleeping, had no focus or motivation in life, and was looking into a T.  She shared that she hadn't left her house at all (for class or work), that she wasn't eating, and that she was crying herself to sleep, and asked if I was happy to know it.  I told her that,

"I am not happy you are suffering because it causes you pain.  I am happy you are suffering because it means that the feelings were real.  And that is a huge relief, to know that I am not the only one broken down while you are off happy as can be with someone else."

She answered agreeing that it was comforting to know.

The conversation continued a little bit... .

As a side note, she is currently "with"/dating a guy she started seeing about 1.5 weeks before I broke up with her (because i found out about him).  I awared the guy of what she was doing, and her history with it, and he stayed with her.  They are a LDR, with about an hour between them and they see each other once a week or so.  She also shared with me that she has good reason to believe that he is cheating on her, etc.  And that they haven't had sex, because she told him that she gave herself to me, and that is working on getting it back.  And supposedly he was ok with this.  I find it fishy.  Not that he would be ok not having sex, that someone would be ok dating someone who they knew heart belonged to another that they still talked with.  I would never do that if I knew it to be the case.

Anyways,

After talking more last night (all of this via text), we reached a head where she agreed to a statement I made, and it led me to say,

"what you said in effect is that you couldn't just love me and have it be enough.  You would need other people.  That's F'd up.  And I don't need someone like that in my life in any capacity.  I'm better than that."

Her response:  "I love you and want you back ok".

I asked her if why she is dating another person if she is still in love with someone else, and she replied,

"because you and I are trying to move on."

I commented that she an I have a very different idea of how to move on... .

I was thinking about this, if I could ever be back with her, I remembered those warm feelings... . And then I remembered all of the things she had done to hurt me.  One thing in particular.

A little context:

3 months or so before our r/s ended, she went up for a concert in her hometown with an ex who had tickets.  They had been friends for 8 years before they ever dated, so I accepted it.  Mutual friends went with them too, so I figured I was safe because if anything happened I would hear about it.  We were fighting a lot that weekend and things were not great between us.  That night, I get a picture message from her of her and her ex kissing, with the caption "6 months to now... . I am so happy!".  I call her immediately and after 5 minutes or so she answers and I ask her what the hell it is about.  She says "oh you didnt get the other picture? I tried sending two pictures, that picture of us kissing is from 6 months ago.  I was trying to say here I was 6 months ago and then send a picture of us, like here I am now and I am so happy for it." She then went on to talk about how she and her ex were dancing (they met 8 years ago as dancers and were partners) and he dropped her mid move when a girl walked in and said "oh hey, this is my girlfriend".  my BPDex was upset she hasn't been told anything about her ex's gf because they were "best friends". I calmed down and accepted it.  Later that night on Facebook I see more pictures from that night, and notice that my BPDex and her ex are wearing the same clothes in those pictures as in the one where they were kissing.  I confront her about it and she says "oh I happened to be wearing the same shirt, and he only has one flannel."  Not to mention, her hair was dyed darker than it was 6 months ago, but i let that go to the lighting.  I ACTUALLY bought her story on it.  I loved her that much and didn't want it to be true.

After we broke up, I asked her about it and she admitted that yes, that picture had been from that night, and that she had meant to send it, and it was only after she figured out that she was getting played by her ex much like she was playing me, that she scrambled to save the situation and made up the lie about all of it.

I  formulated this message largely in my mind thinking about all of it last night in bed, and wrote it up this morning.  I am not going to send it to her unless she continues to contact me and press the issue.  It is enough, if nothing else, that I wrote it and believe it.  But I feel some of you struggling with recycling attempts and rationalizing it all may find something useful in it.

Again, sorry for the novel.  Here is the epiphany.

In it's entirety:

"I don't think I could ever be with you again.  You purposefully sent me a picture of you cheating on me.  I don't even have words for how F'd up and disrespectful that is.  I deserve a hell of a lot better. Not because I am special.  Not because the world owes me anything.  Because I am a halfway decent human being, and that sort of thing is despicable.  :)id I F up and hurt you, yeah I did.  But it was out of absolute ignorance.  It may have seemed obvious, but I had no notion of how my actions would affect you.  You WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY to hurt me.  To spite me.  And then when your little world fell apart you came crawling back like nothing happened.  People who love each other don't F'ing do that. You say you loved me... . But I think our definitions of love are very, very different.  When I loved you, nothing made me happier than seeing you well, seeing you stronger, making you happy, making you feel safe.  I cared for you as a person, and seeing you hurt, hurt me.  When you say you loved me, you loved how I made you feel. You loved that I was able to make you feel happy, or safe, or wanted.  And when I couldn't or wasn't in that exact moment, or you thought I might not be able to in the future, you went and found someone else that you thought would be able to.  Your love had very little to do with me, or who I am as a person, it was about me being able to make you feel good.  That isn't real love.  That is selfishness. You think it is normal or healthy to be in a relationship where your heart is supposedly with someone else? And especially in one where the other person is OK with that? Lol.  Just Lol.  But not my concern.  I can do better <BPDex>.  I would be giving up on myself if I went back to you.  And this isn't me making a judgement, telling you that you are not good enough, or putting you down.  This is me saying that YOU chose your path in this relationship, YOU decided what kind of person you were going to be, no one else, and that I don't like the way you do business."


I feel REALLY good right now about all of this.  Still accepting it all, but I feel good about my outlook.  I know that she feels like  about herself, and I don't particularly like rubbing dirt in her wounds, but I feel strongly and confident in my statement because I think it is all true.

Anyone have any insight on my statement? Does any of it ring true to any of you? Stir any thoughts of your own?

[Sharkey167]

My friend your text sounds exactly like something I (and probably many of us) would say. You touched on something every single one of us has felt. You make very interesting points like "you didn't love me, you loved how I made you feel." That's a very tough concept to accept.

Feel free to send it but a word of warning, don't expect her to accept it as a rational human being would. Yes they have moments of clarity, my ex said at least twice "I know I ruined us." Most likely she will learn absolutely nothing from this. But if it makes you feel better do it. IMO

[Octoberfest]

I had brief contact with her today and did not send it. I do not know if i will ever send it.  To me it is much more important that I came to those realizations and am working towards accepting them than making sure she hears them.  If I ever have to tell her anything again, it will be "you did not meet my needs. I need someone to love me and respect me, and you were not able to do that.". It is as simple as that.

[connect]

Hi,

I agree that you don't need to send it. It's enough to write it down and clarify it in your mind sometimes.

I also found that your words spoke to me and crystalised some of the things that have been knocking around in my brain for the last few days.

#Thanks 

[fakename]

i would just like to add to be careful. if your ex and mine went to the same school of manipulation, then her talk of i'm sorry you met me, or forget me and go be happy or do great things or whatever was just her way to manipulate you into a position where you're her puppet again... . and i think you should notice how you were lured back in to even having the dilemma of whether youre gonna send that text to her or not... .

i think if she wanted to, and said the right things, she could get you back

so just be careful. and be alert as to what is actually going on.

then again i could be wrong, but i'm just going off my experiences... .

[Octoberfest]

In doing more thinking... . I think there will always be a remnant of the hurt our BPDex's caused us.  But even now, 1 month after the split, I see a lot more in the way of lessons to take from the experience than just unbridled hurt.

I look at it, at the fact that she wants me back, and think about if I could ever do it.  And I realize that she wasn't able to give me what I wanted, ANY of the MULTIPLE times that we tried.  She wasn't able to love me or respect me the way that I needed.  I want a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and love.

This relationship taught me a lot about myself as well.  It taught me that I REALLY want someone I can trust implicitly, who will love me no matter what, who I can count on and rely on to do the right thing and not screw me over.  That I wanted that so badly I put someone in the role who had no qualifications to be there.  I did the same thing with my best friend, who ended up kissing my BPDex at one point.  In the same way, I wanted a friend who would do anything for me, and I stuck a dude in the spot who was selfish and self serving.  Lessons learned on both fronts.

Sometimes having no one is better than having broken/shady/wrong people in your life.

[fakename]

thats a good post octoberfest.

adding one thing to that, for me, is that i dont want to be with someone who wants me so badly one day and the next day not so much... .

[Octoberfest]

Now the trick is just making sure I dont slip back into the unhealthy way of thinking 

[confetti]

A+ you are such a cowboy, Octoberfest; looking out for #1.

you stand up for your feelings internally, it is building a very strong will.

[Clearmind]

More often than not contact from our ex's translates to "Please soothe me because I cannot soothe myself".

By mindful it can mean something different to them and us.