Today marks 4 months since he left me

[stop2think]

Hi all,

I have been so engrossed in the process of grieving and accepting that 'we are history and he has moved on' (in HIS words when we last spoke) that i did not know today's date.

Today marks the completetion of 4 months since he told me "we are done" and "do not ever contact me". But it feel like just last month or so. That explains how much i have recovered, but it feels like ever since i have been struggling to 'get over' my uBPDexbf.

My heart still feels heave all the time, espcially when i wake up. I feel conked everytime some memory related to him pops up. Thoughts of him just does not seem to exit my head. Unfortunately, we are teammates but not in the same country (do not get to see him at all). At work - we avoid emailing eachother, or call even if needed unless it is a group email or entire team call. He was on immediate NC since the day he brokeup but answered my calls (which i made once a week trying to convince him to reconsider his decision).

I heard that for 2 months after the split, he barely left home and worked from home most time. He isolates himself everytime he has a breakup or does not feel good - even i do but not for long. Do you think he really healed within 2 months?

The last time i spoke to him was over 2 months ago when he bluntly told me he was engaged and said other harsh things, blaming me for his ultimate decisions. He is married now, to someone he met 2 months after the breakup (sorry to repeat my story).

After 4 months how do i feel? Like a yo-yo i spring back and forth between 'good he is gone and i miss him was i to blame' oscillations. I can feel i am getting stronger week-after-week but i do find myself crying myself to sleep. At times, I wonder what he is upto, is he happy?... . does he miss me?

And shake my head telling to myself 'I am sure he is happily married, and he does not care or miss me because he left me, discarded me and my feelings/ my respect into the dumpster' - that's when my rage kicks in.

I do not know if i will find a man who would love/respect me for me and care for me in the true sense. But i will take my time, i will heal and work my way to a better me. I don't think i can ever forgive him or forget what he did to me. I know he will never contact me again, or realise what he has done or what he is - And I don't care, because he never cared for me after everything i did for him.

Thanks to everyone on this boards, this is the best thing that happened to me during these terrible times.    You guys Rock!

Cheers,

S2T

[Octoberfest]

Hi S2T,

I think the facts speak for themselves-

Call me old fashioned, but getting married 2 months after meeting someone doesn't speak to being a healthy person or it being a lasting relationship.  I think that might be pretty plain to see, but it might help to remember it here and there... .  Also, your idea of happiness is likely WORLDS apart from his.  Is he happy? Maybe in his own sense of the word, but not in yours.  If by happy you mean enjoying a lasting, real, deep, connection with someone, feeling like things are looking up and you are surrounded by good people, that you are moving forward, then no, I doubt he is happy.  I totally understand where you are coming from... . one of my greatest (and I think everyone here as well) fears initially (and honestly, going forward) is that while we sit at home, broken from the breakup, they are out as happy as can be enjoying life to the fullest.  It leads us to question ourselves and our actions in the relationship, if WE were the problem, if WE are the broken ones.  If all you look at is your particular situation, you might start to believe that.  But when you look at the big picture, the fact that this message board exists, full of people going through the exact same thing as you are, it becomes pretty clear that it is not the case.  We hurt 4, 8, 12+ months after the breakup BECAUSE we are normal.  Healthy people form genuine and real bonds with people; unhealthy ones do not.  That is why they are the ones moving on in what seems like no time at all, while we sit and wrestle our emotions.  It is human, and it is healthy to feel.

Another thing I was able to see from my dBPDex the further we got into the relationship was her defense mechanisms.  When something went wrong, when she would go out and cheat or otherwise do something to cause problems, it was MY fault.  As a rule she wasn't loud or accusational or angry, but when she felt trapped is when it came out.  Her rationalizations for how these things were my fault were mind boggling, and even for as jaded as I was, in the MOMENT I was able to see through them.  So when your ex blamed you two months ago for what went wrong, the breakup, etc., realize that blaming himself is not a reality he can comprehend. I know it doesn't make it any easier to hear things like that coming from someone you loved... . but don't get lost in your feelings.  Keep grounded enough that you can still see the facts, even if they are hell to accept.


Edit:

Also, in regards to your last comment; DO NOT SETTLE.  There are good guys our there. Just like there are good girls.  What we see in our BPDSO's is not representative of what WE deserve, or what WE are good enough for.  If that sort of treatment was all we are worthy of, there isn't much point in going forward.

Stay strong S2T, none of us are doing this alone.

[eniale]

I have 4 months NC and the things that helped me the most was a good therapist and a lot of research/reading.  I never suspected BPD, & my therapist does not like to diagnose w/o meeting the person, but several things I said made her suggest I research BPD.  They were:  I said I was always walking on eggshells, he kept asking me not to leave him, he criticized me constantly and finally cheated on me.  I researched it and bingo, he hit most of the marks.  Another thing my T recommended was the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  I thought I knew what verbal abuse was, but it is so much more.  And I learned that (this sounds like it might apply to you) 2 people can exist in 2 different realities.  Reality #1 is Power Over.  This person feels empty and will try to steal the other's power by "Power Over" -- they will demean, criticize, devalue the other.  The other person can come from Reality #2 -- such people are into mutuality, cooperation, co-creativity.  No wonder they can't communicate!  I cannot tell you the number of times I was roughly told "you can't communicate!"  I did not take all the blame; I thought "No one has ever said that to me before and I have had long term relationships."  I was confused.  Learning/Knowing he comes from Reality #1 has freed me in a wonderful way.  I know we could never make it as a couple, I also realize the man I fell in love with was not him -- it was just my flawed perception of WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS.  That freed me even more.  My love for him was a misfortune -- the man I loved did not really exist.  The man I loved would never had treated me the way he did.  "No man is worth crying over, and the one who is will never make you cry."  I don't know much about your situation, but would recommend you read the book mentioned above.  It was an eye-opener.  Verbal abuse covers a wide range of behaviors.  Good luck.  You deserve better than this.