how to get the thoughts out of my mind?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Dear all... . I´ve been posting here for the last months about my struggle to end the relationship with ex BPD. Now after our last "blowout" I started no contact and in one week she said in the previous encounter she would do anything to get me back and in the last conversation she said she "hated me and would never talk to me".

I wonder if that i correct or not... . has she stopped now or what? I guess nobody knows but I doubt it anyway. I have suspicions she is starting to encounter other men.

But these 5 days of NC had done me a lot of good. My mind is a little bit clearer but still I just can´t stop thinking about her many times a day. I still have more energy and am not as depressed and more active.

-would it have worked (though i know it would have been a longshot)?

-what is she doing now?

-how will she date next ( i live in a small community)?

-will I ever get over the scars.

-will I ever feel the "good emotions" again. I guess the "highs" are so good they are like drugs or something.

Also I find it difficult to "recycle" our relationship. I am constantly "seeing the picture clearer" and while it is good to see the signs that I didn´t see. But it still hurts to recognize all the tactics and the behavior that resulted in this emotional turmoil that I ended up in.

Is this a normal stage or am I obsessing my self too much in thoughts?

Have you experienced these kind of feelings?

[tomjon78]

Dear all... . I´ve been posting here for the last months about my struggle to end the relationship with ex BPD. Now after our last "blowout" I started no contact and in one week she said in the previous encounter she would do anything to get me back and in the last conversation she said she "hated me and would never talk to me".

I wonder if that i correct or not... . has she stopped now or what? I guess nobody knows but I doubt it anyway. I have suspicions she is starting to encounter other men.

But these 5 days of NC had done me a lot of good. My mind is a little bit clearer but still I just can´t stop thinking about her many times a day. I still have more energy and am not as depressed and more active.

-would it have worked (though i know it would have been a longshot)?

-what is she doing now?

-how will she date next ( i live in a small community)?

-will I ever get over the scars.

-will I ever feel the "good emotions" again. I guess the "highs" are so good they are like drugs or something.

Also I find it difficult to "recycle" our relationship. I am constantly "seeing the picture clearer" and while it is good to see the signs that I didn´t see. But it still hurts to recognize all the tactics and the behavior that resulted in this emotional turmoil that I ended up in.

Is this a normal stage or am I obsessing my self too much in thoughts?

Have you experienced these kind of feelings?

[confetti]

Hi tomjon,

It's completely normal to feel that way. It just requires taking one day at a time, which in turn also takes practice. The future is scary, but you had a life before your ex.

I promise you won't feel this one day as long as you stick to mini goals to promote self-discipline in small steps. It takes time and lots of tears and none of us go through it without pain, it isn't magic. You most of all can look toward to a tougher you. That is the incentive.

[tomjon78]

Hi confetti... . I agree with you and I know this. But do you find that the you are to scared to give yourself away again emotionally to another person or maybe marked by your experience?

[Clearmind]

tomjon, it takes time and this all very new to you. You are way ahead of yourself.

This relationship does not damage you for ever - processing this pain and going through the stages of grief is short term pain for long term gain.

You have a choice to take the focus off her and onto you and to heal. This will happen in time - for now let the emotions flow and stay in the moment.

[tomjon78]

tomjon, it takes time and this all very new to you. You are way ahead of yourself.

This relationship does not damage you for ever - processing this pain and going through the stages of grief is short term pain for long term gain.

You have a choice to take the focus off her and onto you and to heal. This will happen in time - for now let the emotions flow and stay in the moment.

Thank you Clearmind. So it´s normal to feel this way I guess

[confetti]

Hi confetti... . I agree with you and I know this. But do you find that the you are to scared to give yourself away again emotionally to another person or maybe marked by your experience?

Yes, sometimes! It was way worse earlier into NC... . I was very weak and fixated on the thought of us being twin-soulled.

In time I just started realizing that maybe I do deserve more, and even if the highs may be unmatched that it is inevitable to move on, and the highs were not reality to begin with. Others on here can attest to this I am sure.

I am 23 so thoughts of the future fluxuate a LOT; am I doing the right thing? Is this decision ruining my future? careers, etc... . but I can do it. You can do it too! It may not seem like it now but you may thank the lord you got the heck away at some point!

Have you ever tried the workshops?

[tomjon78]

No I haven´t tried the workshops and not familiar with the work there. But I´m in therapy regularly. I´ve read a lot of things regarding BPD and since my ex denies she is I am convinced. So are my therapist, our relationship therapist, one of her closest friends and members of my family.

I might take a look at this.

But I know this relationship was not to be. But sometimes the mind plays tricks on you. Kind of and overload of thoughts.

[Clearmind]

tomjon, it takes time and this all very new to you. You are way ahead of yourself.

This relationship does not damage you for ever - processing this pain and going through the stages of grief is short term pain for long term gain.

You have a choice to take the focus off her and onto you and to heal. This will happen in time - for now let the emotions flow and stay in the moment.

Thank you Clearmind. So it´s normal to feel this way I guess

Absolutely! Sit with the emotions - post about them and how you feel - in time your head will catch up with your head - I can assure you the

[confetti]

No I haven´t tried the workshops and not familiar with the work there. But I´m in therapy regularly. I´ve read a lot of things regarding BPD and since my ex denies she is I am convinced. So are my therapist, our relationship therapist, one of her closest friends and members of my family.

I might take a look at this.

But I know this relationship was not to be. But sometimes the mind plays tricks on you. Kind of and overload of thoughts.

Well, one of the workshops is cognitive thinking? Or behavioral thinking? I haven't looked in a while and I am on my phone or I would link to it, but it is very useful... . it works around the whole being told "not to think of a pink elephant and you will".

It teaches you (if you don't meditate) how to hold certain thoughts at an arms length and recognize them as they come, and to how to organize them like files.

It sounds silly but it works very well. Workshops may save you from your ruminations!

[marbleloser]

tomjon,I was where you are about 14 months ago.It's excrutiating trying to stop the thoughts when they just keep on coming.I found that concentrating on doing something constructive helped me.I put my earbuds in and went to work painting my house,remodeling,building log furniture,re-purposing furniture,cleaning,antique shopping,etc.,, Before long,I had my house like I wanted it,pretty cool rustic furniture,and sat back and enjoyed it.I read in the room I remodeled for that purpose.I never really had a home to my own,so I took the time to make it "mine".

You might try something like that,or,just try out a new hobby,start back with one you've neglected,anything to make you focus completely on the task you're doing.When you do that and you start focusing on it,you begin to look forward to getting the next task accomplished.

Not to say I didn't shed a few tears while I was doing these things.I did.A lot.

But now,I'm so completely over the exBPDgf that I hardly think of her.If I do,it's by accident or something I read here reminds me of something.

[tomjon78]

tomjon,I was where you are about 14 months ago.It's excrutiating trying to stop the thoughts when they just keep on coming.I found that concentrating on doing something constructive helped me.I put my earbuds in and went to work painting my house,remodeling,building log furniture,re-purposing furniture,cleaning,antique shopping,etc.,, Before long,I had my house like I wanted it,pretty cool rustic furniture,and sat back and enjoyed it.I read in the room I remodeled for that purpose.I never really had a home to my own,so I took the time to make it "mine".

You might try something like that,or,just try out a new hobby,start back with one you've neglected,anything to make you focus completely on the task you're doing.When you do that and you start focusing on it,you begin to look forward to getting the next task accomplished.

Not to say I didn't shed a few tears while I was doing these things.I did.A lot.

But now,I'm so completely over the exBPDgf that I hardly think of her.If I do,it's by accident or something I read here reminds me of something.

Actually I´ve been renovationg my apartment the last week... . it´s actually made me feel better. Also got rid of everything that reminds me of her. Every present, every photo, gone to the trash. I don´t want to have reminders of this one 14 month of hell/heaven torment i´ve gone through.

In a way I feel better... . but I keep thinking of her of course. And I have to encounter her in our mutual friends wedding in september but I´m not thinking about that at the moment. Also she is still training in my martial arts gym where I know a lot of people and that worries me. And I won´t go there. She somehow is starting to talk to people I know so I guess "the smear campaign is on"

Also the majority of people there are males and I worry she will seduce someone I know.

But I will get there... . one step at a time.

But it´s like rehab a little bit. I see my therapist weekly now and it´s costing me a lot of money but I sure need it.

It´s a pity she doesn´t realize she is BPD... . sometimes I wish she would see her flaws in the right way.

[flynavy]

tomjon78... . here is something I learned after my wife passed away... . you have to go through the stages or you will never heal.  We all are grieving after leaving our exBPD/NPD partners so focus on you.  This really helped me.  What I realized that I didn't complete the grieving process for my wife when I got into the relationship with my ex BPD/NPD fiance... .

Understanding the Stages of Grief

The 5 stages have been very misunderstood over the past several decades. The identification of the stages was not meant to box in people’s emotions into neat little packages. They are some of the  responses to loss that many people have.  Just as there is not typical loss, there is no typical response – everyone will grieve in their own way.

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and they are a part of the process of learning to live without the one we lost. They are tools to help us understand and identify what we may be feeling. Everyone will not go through all the stages and the order may be different.  Understanding the stages will help layout a map of the process and better equip people to deal with loss.

Denial

In this first stage, life can start to feel meaningless and overwhelming. We are in a state of shock and wonder how we are going to go on with our lives.  Finding a way to get through each day becomes very hard. Denial and shock are coping mechanisms that help us survive. Denial helps us to control the pace of our grief. It is nature’s way of limiting the flood of emotions pouring over us all at one time.

As the reality of the loss starts sinking in you will naturally start asking yourself questions. And with these questions comes the other feelings you were denying.

Anger

A necessary stage of grief is the Anger stage. You must be willing and free to feel your anger, as difficult and endless as it may seem. The more you allow yourself to feel it, the more it will begin to fade and the more you will recover. There are a lot of other emotions under the anger that will surface in time. Anger is an emotion that reaches very far.  It can be extended to your family, friends, doctors, your loved one who passed, and even to God.

Anger provides strength and it can be like an anchor that gives a temporary structure to the feelings of nothingness you are experiencing. Grief can at first make you feel lost with no direction or connection to anything.  Then anger sets in and is directed at someone like a family member, the doctor; it could really be anyone for any different number of reasons. The anger you place on someone else suddenly gives you some sort of structure.  The anger becomes a connection to hold on to that feels better than nothingness. We are usually better at suppressing anger than openly feeling it.

Bargaining

During the time leading up to the loss of a loved one it seems as though we would do anything to stop it from happening, including trading places with them and make promises to God asking him to spare them.

Our mind become crowded with a flood of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life to be as it was and for our loved one to come back to us. We want a “do over”, a chance to go back and do things differently like: go to the doctor more frequently, find the illness sooner and start treatment sooner, stop the accident from happening, and so on. These thoughts lead way to a heavy burden of guilt and we blame ourselves for the things we could have done differently. People sometimes think  the stages will last a few weeks or months. The feelings in each stage can last for minutes or hours and we can bounce in and out them several times a day. It is not a linear progression.

Depression

This next stage moves us squarely into the present. Emptiness and grief grow stronger and deeper than we ever thought it could. This depression feels like it will never end. It’s important to know that this type of depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the natural response to suffering a loss of this magnitude. Depression after a loss is wrongly seen as unnatural and as something that needs to be fixed or snapped out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. Not experiencing depression after a loved one passes away would be unusual. When the loss fully sets in, and the realization that your loved one is not coming back becomes real, depression will naturally follow.

Acceptance

Acceptance is wrongfully assumed to be the point where everything is all better now. This is not true. Most people don’t ever fully and completely get over the loss of a loved one. This stage is when we accept the reality that our loved one is physically gone and we recognize our new life’s permanent reality. We won’t ever like this reality, but we eventually accept it. In an effort to resist the new normal, many people will at first try to maintain life just as it was before. In time, through small doses of acceptance we realize that we cannot continue to do this. Life has been forever changed and we must readjust.

Real progress may be just having more good days than bad ones. Many people feel as though they are betraying their loved when they begin to start living and enjoy life again. Nothing can replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections with others and start a new.  We shouldn’t suppress our feelings. We listen and respond to our needs, move on, change, grow and evolve. We invest in our relationships with others and in ourselves. We can’t begin to truly live again we have given grief the time to heal.

I never got out of the Depression phase of my grieving for my wife... . the idealization phase of this disorder took away all of my pain!

I feel so much better once I really got to know me!... . Who I am... . where I was in the grieveing process for my wife... . Thanks to clearmind and this site for allowing me to vent my anger... . look inside a really start the healing process from both of my recent losses.  I feel like me again!