Mother's Day card-buying panic...

[Jenk]

With the approach of each Mother's Day, I feel downright panicky; there are no greeting cards that convey my messed up feelings for/about my (s)mother.

I feel as though my uBPDm and en-dad expect me to get her ("Mom" a nice card--you know, the kind that people buy for mostly normal mothers who always feel safe to be around; they don't say as much aloud, but I still feel this unspoken pressure. And society--like friends with kindly mothers and greeting-card commercials--applies more pressure.

Assuming you have contact with your (u)BPDm, do you buy her a sappy card anyway? Do you go for the most non-sappy card you can find? (I know that's about impossible to do, which is why we need a line of cards specifically for BPD mothers.) Or do you pretend that the holiday doesn't exist, and your (u)BPDm does the same?

Thanks,

Jenk

[AsianSon]

With the approach of each Mother's Day, I feel downright panicky; there are no greeting cards that convey my messed up feelings for/about my (s)mother.

I agree 100% about the anxiety, and you are absolutely right about the limitations of available cards.

Assuming you have contact with your (u)BPDm, do you buy her a sappy card anyway? Do you go for the most non-sappy card you can find? (I know that's about impossible to do, which is why we need a line of cards specifically for BPD mothers.) Or do you pretend that the holiday doesn't exist, and your (u)BPDm does the same?

I do have contact, and yes, I would still do a card for the simple purpose of having that action as one indication of having done something.  In other words, the card goes into the "plus" column of actions rather than the lack of a card going into the "minus" column of not doing something for her.  The actual content of the card doesn't matter much because there is no way to predict my BPDm's reaction to that. 

You are so right about a "BPDm" line of cards!    With a set of SET statements work in writing?       Maybe some experts know if written SET works... . or makes things worse.   

Have a good week!   

A 

[chayka]

Oh gosh, Jenk, I know exactly what you mean!

It's SO hard to find a Mothers' Day card for my mum! I used to make them myself, but it was very time-consuming, because she would only accept pretty large cards, which took a long time to make.

Now I just buy the least yucky one I can find. I usually go on e-bay as there's a lot more choice there. My rule of thumb is that I don't buy anything that I feel is full of lies and really hurts me to read. 'You're always so supportive', 'You made my childhood so happy' - you know all the stuff. I avoid the worst of it.

I always agonize about what I will write. My mum is really obsessed with the idea of being a mother, and generally wants me to tell her she's the most wonderful mother ever. I refuse to do that. But I'm happy to go with things like 'I love you, Mum', or 'Thanks for being my mum.'

When she receives the card and I talk to her afterwards, I feel like my work is being graded!    But I try to let go of it, and accept that I've done my best to find a helpful compromise.

Good luck! I hope you find what will work best for you.

Chayka

[Finding Courage]

Mother's day is the worst!  I feel like it is both a reminder of what I will never have with my mom but it is also a Bpd playground.  I search for the most generic, non sappy card I can.  Usually something with flowers on the front and happy mothers day on the inside.  That's it.  I refuse to fuel her desire for enmeshment and her fantasy that she was the kind of mother those other cards say.  The store doesn't sell "thanks for nothing" mother's day cards.  She loves the idea of being a mother and grandmother only insofar as it meets her needs, not mine.  That's why I too hate this holiday.  Good luck, keep searching for that generic card.

[AnnieSurvivor]

Oh yes, I definitely know what you mean.  My uBPD mother has started buying these sappy cards for my birthday, which has me on guard... . she used to buy them for her mother until she died.  I often got little to no recognition or it was very late before her mother died.  I think she is trying to replace her with me after all these years and it is a bit strange and it will be just another disappointment for her.

I see Mother's Day as a "grin and bear it" day.  I am too far away to go home just for the weekend, thank goodness.  I get a pretty generic card that I can live with (I see the sappy stuff as lying and misleading) and a phone call that will probably last an hour while I listen to her complain about one thing after another.  That is my gift.  Then I will go as long as possible until the next call!

[rebl.brown]

Here is what I always did, gua-ran-teed we aint the only ones  with sh- for mother's.  Hallmark has a great line of cards beautiful on the outside that say something like "It's Mother's Day" in a big flourish on the front.  Then you open it up and all it says is some banal sentiment like Have a happy day or wishing you well.  You can find them I found them every year and that was what she got.  I've been NC for 10 years so happily I don't have to think about it at all   (my kids are forbidden to send a card to me on mother's day and if they call they can't mention the holiday)  hurray for me, sounds crazy but they all understand.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Jenk,

When I do send a card to my parents, I like to choose a very basic, neutral one. I look for cards with simple simple messages like, "Thinking of you on your birthday." Sometimes the humor cards work well. There are a lot of nice cards that are blank inside, also, if I can't find anything else that feels good to me.

I am not a fan of sappy poetry cards for anyone really. So choosing neutral cards feels the most authentic to me. It is a way for me to convey good thoughts and maintain some minimal connection. At the same time, I don't feel responsible for making someone else feel warm and fuzzy. If I am not mushy in real life, I will not be mushy with a card. And if I do want to send someone a sentimental message, I like to write it myself.

What feels the most authentic to you, Jenk? Do you feel confident enough to send what feels good to you even if it means your parents think it isn't good enough?

Wishing you peace,

PF