Did your ex NPD/BPD retain gifts from their ex's?

[crystalclear]

I mean most of us must have had past r/s before the one with ex NPD/BPD - and some of even retain gifts from our ex's (not when it was a terrible r/s or breakup). It could be probably to keep it as memorabilia that signifies the good times we had or some keep it bc it might be something you like.

Do pwNPD or BPD preserve gifts given my their ex's?

My exbf had kept one (in his bedroom) a gift his exgf had given to him (best wished 'to my best friend' engraved on it). He is still in touch with her (although she is married) and met her last November and kept it privy from me. He removed it when i mentioned i was not comfortable with him keeping/exhibiting his exgf's gifts (especially since he was did not like me talking to my exbf, made me unfriend him on FB and delist him on gtalk). Also when he broke up with me i returned all his gifts he had given me in that trip, which infuriated him very much - and quickly mirrored my action with the gifts i gave him. He also said he values gift as they symbolise the 'great times' he shared with his ex's?

Really? He values gifts when he disrespected the person (ME)!

Any similar experiences... . or insights would be good to know!

[snappafcw]

I bought my BPDExgf a brand new HD TV for Christmas just a few weeks before she left me. I don't think she will be getting rid of that in a hurry... .

[VeryFree]

My gifts never were good enough.

The first years she seemed to like them, but later on that changed. Either she would speak about 'garbage' or she would just return them to me.

[marbleloser]

I don't see alot wrong with keeping "gifts" from an ex.It was given freely.To throw it away or destroy it might be a sign of anger though.

When it gets into "other" territory is when they keep certain items.ExBPDgf kept drink bottles I had drank out of,candy wrappers from candy I bought,my tshirts,etc.,,That shows a different mentality than keeping gifts.It's almost obsessive,but shows how they think during the idealization phase.I thought at the time,that it was kind of endearing for someone to be so "into me" that they'd do that.Shows my mentality at the time as well.

[Tordesillas]

My ex kept a couple things from her previous relationship.  One was a ring (not an engagement right) which was expensive and looked good.  I honestly don't think she would have held onto it if it wasn't for that.  It was a pretty bad relationship and break up.  I suppose it says something that she would tolerate a reminder of a terrible relationship just for the sake of a pretty piece of jewelery.

[asher2]

Tordesillas... . mine did the same thing which I always thought was odd. She kept (and wore) a ring that her ex bought for her while they were dating. It always kind of bothered me that she wore a ring that an ex gave her, but I always just took her at her word of "I just really like the ring." Looking back, I'm not sure what to believe... . did she really just like the ring or was it a way to still feel connected to an ex? The more I learn about BPD, I'm beginning to think it was the latter.

Oh well... . whatever! I stopped a long time ago guessing what she was thinking. I know I'll never really know the answers!

[Tordesillas]

Oh I hear you... . I had my doubts as well.  I suppose I'll never really know for sure.  Knowing her I'd bet its more about the vanity aspect.   She also had jewellery she wore from her dad (who she loathed and is estranged from) so I really think it was mostly about how it looked.   But who knows! 

[Bananas]

Not gifts but their personal items like clothes and jewelry.  But he would get all mixed up who it belonged to.  My ex still has some of my clothes and jewelry.  I noticed he would always take something of mine and hide it when I would stay over at his house.  When I would ask him about it he would say he didn't have it, but then it would "reappear" at his house weeks later.  He would also return me stuff that belonged to his ex-wife or ex girlfriends (or other girlfriends?) insisting it was mine.     

[marbleloser]

This has alot to do with object constancy.When you,or another SO,isn't around,these "gifts" are used to prove that you are real and exist(ed).It's one reason they find it so easy to detach.Those with BPD lack object constancy.Out of sight,out of mind.It ties in to the many that constantly need to text you,call you,or email you from fear of abandonment.

During the idealization phase,they may return to these "gifts" to assure themselves that you are real,and that they haven't been abandoned.Once you are discarded or leave,they may keep these things and from time to time,look at them as a way of remembering.

It's strange to us,but sad at the same time.We can remember them.Often too well.They can't do the same.

If you ever go back to someone with BPD,you'll notice they changed.They aren't the same person.They don't recall events that you did together in the same way you do.They may completely get things confused with you and another person.

You haven't been around,so they've forgotton.

[Cumulus]

Oh yeah. I had to smile when I read this.  although I wasn't aware of it at the time after I left and started coming back to my senses I realized I had been re gifted... . many times.  That jazz CD, regift, the little heart ornament, regift.  And, bought gifts, what the OW liked, her perfume, her style of undies.

How did I figure it out? By looking back there were these very out of character items. And, I can remember him making a really big deal out of some of the items. Like the perfume. I got the soap, I got the big bottle, I got the expensive little bottle and I was encouraged to wear it, always. Totally out of character for him... . and then it passed.

Don't get me started on the undie story. 

[seeking balance]

Really? He values gifts when he disrespected the person (ME)!

Any similar experiences... . or insights would be good to know!

Hi Crystalclear,

Sounds like you are feeling a bit angry and rejected.  What really helped me detach from taking things personally was to really focus on the facts.  BPD is a mental disorder rooted in real or perceived abandonment from an intimate relationship.  It is the fact you are a person that is intimate and has the ability (again, real or perceived) at hurting him that triggers those actions that feel disrespectful to you.

You returned his items, it pushed the abandonment button - he mirrored you and did the same trying to deflect the pain back to you.  The issue at hand is little to do with actual items, it is about abandonment.

Items from past relationships are just that - items.  Some of us keep them and some of us don't, not really any sort of BPD criteria. Now, if a pwBPD uses those items as a tie to reconnect later, perhaps that could be part of the disorder, but for the most part in terms of BPD as a disorder, this is no more of a BPD issue than it is anyone else.

Peace,

SB

[VeryFree]

  The issue at hand is little to do with actual items, it is about abandonment.

In my pending divorce my stbx refuses to hand over my personal belongings (clothes, paperwork), meanwhile claiming there's no other stuff left to share with me. Trust me: there is!

Is this about abandonment or just plain old greediness or hate?

[SurvivedLove]

Since I'm the only girl my ex has officially dated and introduced to hs family, my answer would be yes.

Last time I visited him, I left some DVDs with Supernatural (the first 6 seasons) and Fringe (the first 2 seasons) there. And a book that I forgot, one I wanted to read on the airplane ride there and back.

I've asked him a few times to pack those things and mail them to me, along with offering to send his clothes that he left here, his shaving gear and his toothbrush to him. Hasn't happened yet.

Last time I asked him to, in an email, his reply was this:

"I’m not aware which items of yours are still at my place. You want the things you gifted to me, like the alarmclock, back?"

Need I say I facedesk'd at this?

I'm not happy about it, but I'll live without my DVDs and the book. The book actually belongs to my best friend, so I'll have to buy her a new one. He can consider them his parting gifts from me. He got nice TV shows and a great book - I got anxiety, stress, symptoms of PTSD, physical heart problems and a few other fancy, and very ugly things.

But hey, my stuff is a small prize to pay to NOT have to ask for my stuff again again and opening the door for him.

[constantinus]

my stbex kept gifts from the guy she was cheating on me with. said it was none of by business.

[seeking balance]

  The issue at hand is little to do with actual items, it is about abandonment.

In my pending divorce my stbx refuses to hand over my personal belongings (clothes, paperwork), meanwhile claiming there's no other stuff left to share with me. Trust me: there is!

Is this about abandonment or just plain old greediness or hate?

you are abandoning her, in her mind - she deserves those items.  The items also serve as a tie to keep you engaged.  In most divorces, people negotiate items and sometimes irrationally. 

I understand how frustrating it is - I have been there - but the degree of irrational behavior is not about the items it is about the disorder.

Again, the actual items are not the issue - BPD is a mental illness rooted in the fear of abandonment. 

[seeking balance]

Last time I asked him to, in an email, his reply was this:

"I’m not aware which items of yours are still at my place. You want the things you gifted to me, like the alarmclock, back?"

This is not about the items, it is about control - he likely feels out of control due to his abandonment issues, thus this is his way of gaining control. 

Keeping items gives the perception of control back to pwBPD.  Myself and many others have been on the other side of this where we try to give them things back only they don't show up.

Again, all these behaviors are frustrating for sure, but by really focusing on the disorder we can depersonalize the actions and let go.

[SurvivedLove]

Last time I asked him to, in an email, his reply was this:

"I’m not aware which items of yours are still at my place. You want the things you gifted to me, like the alarmclock, back?"

This is not about the items, it is about control - he likely feels out of control due to his abandonment issues, thus this is his way of gaining control. 

Keeping items gives the perception of control back to pwBPD.  Myself and many others have been on the other side of this where we try to give them things back only they don't show up.

Again, all these behaviors are frustrating for sure, but by really focusing on the disorder we can depersonalize the actions and let go.

Yep, that is what I am doing and how I am thinking.

Sure stinks to miss my favorite TV shows. Sure stinks to know it gives him a feeling of still being 'attached' to me in his distorted mind.

But I can get new stuff. It's only stuff, afterall. And costs way less than a new trip in Lala-Land and the following insanity that would enevitably ensue :D.

[VeryFree]

you are abandoning her, in her mind - she deserves those items.  The items also serve as a tie to keep you engaged.  In most divorces, people negotiate items and sometimes irrationally. 

I understand how frustrating it is - I have been there - but the degree of irrational behavior is not about the items it is about the disorder.

Again, the actual items are not the issue - BPD is a mental illness rooted in the fear of abandonment. 

I understand that. Often I feel frustrated, but like I have said in other topics: when I feel this way, I try to cartonize everything. When I'm frustrated she doesn't hand over my stuff, I just picture her wearing my clothes 

I can assure you: that helps a lot! 

[seeking balance]

When I'm frustrated she doesn't hand over my stuff, I just picture her wearing my clothes 

I can assure you: that helps a lot! 

great coping tool!

[asher2]

I believe Seeking Balance is right on regarding not returning possessions. It is about control for them to hang on, or not return stuff.

My ex and I had a deal for her to come by my place while I was at work to pick up her stuff (she still had a key) after we broke up. During this time, the first thing I would do when I got home from work was check to see if she got her stuff. To be honest, part of me would be relieved when I'd see her stuff was still there (at that time was still holding out hope that we could work things out) and another part of me was extremely annoyed by it. But it got to the point of what Seeking Balance said... . I felt like she still had power over me even though we weren't together. After awhile, I figured out that was the game she was playing and boxed her stuff up and took it to her parents. I finally got to the point of "I'm not letting her control my emotions anymore." 

It hurts that things like this happen. Unfortunately, it's part of the web of being with someone who is BPD.

[confetti]

Not gifts but their personal items like clothes and jewelry.  But he would get all mixed up who it belonged to.  My ex still has some of my clothes and jewelry.  I noticed he would always take something of mine and hide it when I would stay over at his house.  When I would ask him about it he would say he didn't have it, but then it would "reappear" at his house weeks later.  He would also return me stuff that belonged to his ex-wife or ex girlfriends (or other girlfriends?) insisting it was mine.     

Wow, mine did this too. He kept calling me insisting that I left a blue striped tank top in his bag after I visited. I never really thought about it deeply, but I kept saying it wasn't mine, I don't own anything blue striped.

Of course he'd say "Who else would this belong to?"