Would you ask if they just want friendship?

[recoil]

Back in February, my ex asked for a break.  Whether right or wrong, I suspected she had interest in another, as her affection for me had dwindled down considerably over a one-to-two month window, while she was buried in her phone non-stop.  Instead of being OK with a break, I initiated a break up and I stayed away.

I wasn't painted black.  I'm not sure I've ever been painted black by her.  She has reached out in various ways many times over the months, almost weekly.  I have been respectful in any responses - yet emotionally withdrawn.

Last weekend, she tugged on a heart string.  She texted me that her kids missed me and wanted to see me -- and if I wasn't interested in seeing them, she would make up some kind of excuse.  I saw the guilt.  I saw the manipulation.  But I also love those kids and feel for their situation.

I agreed to see them.  We ended up hanging out at her house the next day for a couple of hours.  I had a very good time with the kids.  She cooked dinner.  She was withdrawn during this time.  I ate dinner with the kids in the kitchen.  She ate about ten feet away in the den.

The next day, she buzzed into my office to see if I could fix an iPOD for her daughter.  I agreed.

The next day she thanked me for fixing the iPOD and spoke about her evening with the kids outside.  She sounded like her normal self.  Her daughter called me as well to thank me.

The following day (yesterday), she told me she's having hot water heater problems (leaking).  She asked for some advice, which I freely gave but I did not offer to assist in anyway (financially or with my time/labor).  I wasn't asked either.  Later that day, she asked if I wouldn't mind giving advice to a crazy person.  I told her as a fellow crazy, sure.  She wants to have elective surgery and is looking at various loan vehicles that make the most fiscal sense (felt like this was an indirect way to see if I would consider financing her surgery; as I have always been very free with my checkbook when we were in a relationship).  I listened to her, gave some very general advice, but like the water heater, proactively offered nothing.

She thinks the elective surgery is going to give her more confidence and address some of the mental issues she's had due to the lack of confidence.  She started crying while talking about her lack of confidence.  I

desperately wanted to tell her that the problem isn't confidence or lack thereof, but alas, I kept my mouth shut.

We have spoken every day this week.

I do not view this as a "relationship" recycle attempt.  Yesterday, in a very passing way, she mentioned it was a good time to have this surgery done as she wasn't in a relationship, didn't want to be in one and wouldn't need to justify it to a significant other or have them believe it was being done for them.  To me, that must mean she's looking for me to be her friend (or if I'm cynical, her banker).

I've been asking myself, can I be that way?  Does she just want friendship?  Can I offer just that?  How could I help her, as I care for her, without compromising myself?

I have been living my life for the past four months.  I've lost almost 25 pounds, I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, I've been going out on dates (nothing serious as I'm not over my ex), I completed a motorcycle safety class (have driven illegally since I was 18) and I'm in therapy.

I wanted to get the opinions of people who have the strength to stay.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Post relationship friendships are difficult, but not impossible.  To have any chance at a normal friendship with her, you and her need to be completely detached romantically.  Is that where you think you are with her?  Or are there still some feelings?

[patientandclear]

I completely agree with Briefcase -- and Briefcase will hopefully feel some satisfaction in hearing me say that, as he as provided a lot of good guidance to me as I explored a post-r/s friendship.

I did this, Recoil.  I had a very similar view as you when I started it. I had asked for NC & had 10 months of NC prior to reconnecting with my ex as friends, BTW, and in that time, I thought I had accepted that he could not be in a sustained, healthy romantic r/s because there are triggers everywhere, and he has little insight about all that, and no plans to change or deal with it.  I wasn't going to try to fix or change him, I was accepting that.  But I thought maybe friendship was consistent with that, and a way to salvage what was good between us.

My problem is that I forgot what I knew.  We got really close.  In my heart and mind, there was this natural progression from that, to ... . the possibility of more.  Not now, as I respected that he needed not to be in a r/s at present -- he said he was working on determining who he was outside of one.  But still, I ascribed all kinds of significance to our closeness.

He did not, though.  He really liked it because and while it made him feel good.  But then he did something that, to me, was not consistent with the closeness -- he just up & left town, maybe permanently, with little warning & no clear plans.  Kind of leaving for the sake of leaving.  It really hurt me, & I realized I'd developed expectations despite thinking I wasn't.  Not expectations of a romance exactly, but expectations of our special friendship thing (no good name for it -- it was emotional intimacy without sex and without calling it a r/s) continuing.  But really, I had no reason to expect that, because what I have learned about him is that he stays with people & with places so long as they make him feel good, and when he thinks someplace or someone else will do better, he leaves the first for the second.  There's not a long term commitment and really, not even an understanding of it as a relationship, rather than a servicing arrangement where he gets to be made to feel good so long as he chooses to remain.

So.  It was not without value--while he chose to give, he gave a lot.  But if you have any particular expectations, they are likely to be disappointed over time.  I am currently trying to decide whether I ought to continue the friendship, since he's made fairly harshly clear that any expectation I had will not be sustained, though he will sustain what he likes and wants at any given point.

[danley]

My ex requested friendship but it was obvious he wasn't being a friend after we broke up. I had feelings for him and slowly they tamed down. I've been trying to view him as just a friend but it's hard sometimes. I have moments where I miss him but right now I feel peace is what I crave most between us. I'm sure friendship is possible but he is emotionally haywire sometimes and anything can set him off. If I'm not attentive he gets sulky. When I'm nice he THINKS I'm asking for more. This aggravates me. Then he's nice. Its a sick cycle and we aren't even together.

I don't know what his feelings are towards me. Sometimes I feel connection and sometimes I think it scares him and it triggers defendant mode in him. It was hard because it confused me. So you wanna a relationship?  :)o you want a friendship? He was all over the place and couldn't ever give me a straight answer. But he would always say he didn't want me out of his life. So I adequate the decision on my own to just avoid him right now. I can't take the indecisive thoughts from him. I want a friendship but I would be lying if I said I didn't hope that somewhere down the lines he will heal and work on himself for us. And that's where it stands I guess. I need him to seek help and heal first. Idk if he will take my advice of getting help. But I hope he does for himself. For me, I've been working on myself too. Keeping strong and being mindful of my feelings, thoughts,  words, and actions.

[recoil]

i don't think I'm detached enough at the moment.

I think the recent reengagement has me confused and I'm questioning everything.

[danley]

Recoil,

I know what you mean about the engagement and confusion. I spent the last four months of Jekyll and Hyde from him after he ended the relationship. When I finally told him I was so sick of it and friendship wasn't working out he started to change. For the last three weeks he's been nice and yesterday he even went so far as to have concern for me and it seemed genuine. Mind you since the breakup all he ever talked about was his feelings, life, stress, etc and didnt care at all what i felt or had to say and blamed me for his unhappiness of himself.  Normally I'd feel thankful that he was concerned and seemingly interested. But for some reason I felt annoyed a Bit at first. I felt like WHY all of a sudden are you trying to be nice and care after months of mood swing torture? Is it because you actually realize what a jerkwad you've been post breakup? Is it because of something that I said when I finally put my foot down? Is it because your new interest isn't all that you thought she would be for you? Or on the other coin, is being with her great and it's putting you on cloud nine? Or Maybe it's because I haven't been attentive and pushed you away a Bit? Who the heck knows! But I did not bark. Simply kept my words short and cordial, answered,  and walked away.

In all my almost forty years on earth I have never experienced such whirlwind of instability and insecurity from someone. Never have I dealt with the see saw of emotions and projection and deflection and fear from someone like this. I have seen him with his close friends and although they are close, it's superficial in some ways. Only sharing the good and never the bad. So this makes us being friends more difficult because my friends share the good and especially the bad. We'll see how things go.

[Marcie]

Just remember being in any kind of relationship means being the emotional care taker... . Its not a reciprical relationship, so why do it?