new here. Adult daughter of mother with BPD

[momwbpd]

I've read a lot about BPD and have done a lot of work over the years on myself... . and find that intellecual knowledge can only carry you so far sometimes.  I see here and other places, women (with mothers w/BPD) write about how they have found happiness in their own families with their husbands and own children.  And how having their own children has been very healing.

I guess my struggle (one of them anyway) is being single and childless in mid-thirties (just haven't met anyone yet) and trying to find this healing in an increasingly lonely world.  What if I never have that family of my own to heal from like so many other women have?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, momwBPD     and 

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with a Mother w/BPD; it's a difficult life to live, I know... . My own Mom doesn't have it, but my MIL does, and since I've had to have a relationship with her for 39 years (!) I can definitely understand what you are going through   And knowing the difficulties my H has had to deal with by virtue of being raised in that environment, I can sympathize with your struggles. My MIL is undiagnosed, but I would eat my hat if she is not BPD. Has your Mom been diagnosed? Is she under any treatment for it at all? Are you yourself seeing a therapist?

I know that having a spouse and having children (we have 2 sons) has helped my H along the way in understanding what a healthy marriage and healthy relationship between parents and children should look like, but to be honest with you, he really has had (and still has!) to deal with this on his own... . He doesn't read this website, but I am trying to share all that I've learned here with him, and that does help.

One way for you to get help with your relationship with your Mom (learning how to communicate with her to help "stop the bleeding" and make things better between the two of you), and to begin healing yourself, is to poke around this site and read the Workshops and Articles, and watch some of the Videos available. Also, posting more here to let us know about your situation would help us know what you need... . You will certainly find what you need here; you are in the right place, and we are so glad you found us   

[mamachelle]

Hi momwBPD,



I am a mom, but I don't think I would say having children is a guarantee on gaining healing perspective on our FOO (family of origin). If you feel like you are missing a piece in your healing can you try to have regular contact with nieces and nephews or cousin's kids? That might be fun and help you figure out some of the family tendencies... .

Rapt Reader asks some good questions.

Just a few more:

Are you still in regular contact with your mother?

Do you have siblings? Where is your Dad in this?

Here are a couple links to look at:

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

We are here for you.

Yours,

mamachelle

[skinny13]

I've read a lot about BPD and have done a lot of work over the years on myself... . and find that intellecual knowledge can only carry you so far sometimes.  I see here and other places, women (with mothers w/BPD) write about how they have found happiness in their own families with their husbands and own children.  And how having their own children has been very healing.

I guess my struggle (one of them anyway) is being single and childless in mid-thirties (just haven't met anyone yet) and trying to find this healing in an increasingly lonely world.  What if I never have that family of my own to heal from like so many other women have?

Welcome momwBPD! First of all, that's great that you have put in the work to make your life better and find out more about BPD and how it has affected you. That alone is something that so many people are never able to do. You've enlightened yourself, and while you're right that intellectual knowledge isn't everything, it is very empowering and important.

I can relate to your situation. Up until I married at 38, I was dealing with an uBPD/NPDm and enDad without having my own family to help me process and heal from what I had grown up with and continued to confront as an adult child of a PD. 

I remember in particular one Christmas that I ended up spending all by myself - because on the one hand I had a raging BPDm/enDad who had just had a huge blowout fight with my brother (he went NC at that time and still is), and I had no desire to go spend Christmas with them to hear them trash my brother (they wanted me to take their side). And on the other hand, I had a backup plan to spend Christmas with a friend, but I had recently realized that this friend was toxic (passive aggressive, always wanted us to do things she wanted, only called me when she was lonely, etc.). So at the last minute, I decided to just stay home in my apartment.

I was a little lonely - but it was also so peaceful! I watched some of my favorite movies, exchanged Merry Christmas greetings with friends and my brothers near and far on Christmas Day, and treated myself to a nice dinner. I wouldn't necessarily want to do it again, but I felt so good that I had not given in to the temptation to be with people who made me feel bad rather than be with myself.

I believe that all of the work I did on my own to free myself from the FOG, to recognize how I had some other relationships in my life that were toxic, and to regain confidence and set up boundaries were all things I needed to do before I could really be in a loving relationship where I felt free to be myself.

So, even though I did experience loneliness, all of that work I did on my own helped me be open to the right man when he came along, although it didn't happen as soon as I necessarily would have hoped.

We're now in a position where we are not sure we can have kids, and I'm wondering the same thing you are: will I get the chance to be a better mother, to show unconditional love to my kids the way I wish my mother had? It does feel like that is part of closing this circle of pain that we have all been dealing with.

But I also believe that the healing I have done already has made me a happier person and made my life more open to possibilities, and hopefully that will help me to accept whatever my future will bring, children or no children.

I wish you the best and hope that you continue to heal from your experiences as the daughter of a BPDm!