Magical day

[Sleuth]

It will happen. It is cosmically alligned to. It is pre-written in the ever punishing fate of humanity. My ex (honestly, can someone correct me - diagnosed bipolar/borderline ex-girlfriend is that dxbpBPDexgf?) will appear at some moment, somewhere where I am; or I, un-wittingly somewhere where she Is; or option 3, wittlessly at some social event I can't avoid in order to save pride by attending, allegedly 'unaffected' by her presence. Naturally that 'unaffection' is grade 2 horse p*ss.

The limited contact (never initiated by me) we have had over the last few months has each time instantly set me back months in my recovery, I know for a fact seeing her would be much worse.

Ideally she'd be with her new boyfriend. Hopefully, I'll be feeling and looking terrible - totally acheivable on my part -  they'll be looking magnificent and beamingly, gloriously, ecstatically happy and I'll also be on fire or some other stupid thing to compound matters.

My band played a gig a few weeks ago and one of her very close friends was there, I had to spend the first hour of being there 'discreetly' panicking and scanning every single person there to make sure she wasn't in attendance. Unfortunately for me I truly wear my heart on my sleeve and it was probably very obvious I was doing this... . The prospect genuinely scared me.

I know a lot of you have to see your exs regularly, to me that would be terrible and I feel for you. For me this is not the case and has not been the case since february. So... . If this is not the case, how do other people deal with this, or avoid dealing with this?

Solutions I propose: 1. Maintaining a 'decent' level of drunkness everytime I leave the house as to not care so much.

                            2. Don't ever leave the house.

[KellyO]

  

Never leaving the house was my only option because I don't use alcohol at all. You know, I almost managed to be 100% hermit! Everytime I walked in our small city I was nervous wreck because I was sure with my luck I will bump at him. I made new routes to make sure this would not happen. I had to abandon half the city. Library was on that abandoned half and when I had to go there, I literally felt nausea every time. After he made the most traumatic dumping ever, I was SHAMED to go outside. Today it makes not much sense, but I was.

To lighten you up: I said this to my ex-bf: "What you did  made me feel so much shame I'm afraid to go outside anymore" His answer was: " NO, I feel so much shame I can't go outside anymore!" What a classic! From a man who was running from place a to b constantly in fear of being bored and you know, seeing himself.

Today I can walk past his apartment and remember how I used to visit there. And think something else right after that. If I see him, I would say Hi, and how are you. He propably would say same thing to me.

There will be day when you just don't care anymore. I promise!

[Conundrum]

Why are you ordaining an iconic status upon her? She is a woman, a human being, but is bereft of the divine ability to enter your consciousness and "instantly set your recovery back months."

It sounds as if you're setting yourself up for the fall when contact occurs. Is that truly inevitable? Perhaps, your thought process requires changes that you're reluctant to make. I cannot say, because I do not know you. Is there something that you still want from her? Maybe that's where you should begin your analysis.     

[seeking balance]

Solutions 1 & 2 seem reasonable to me   

Seriously, I had a plan of "acting" indifferent and getting myself out of the situation as quickly as possible.  In the beginning, I avoided common places - as I started to be social again or even go to places it "possible" to run into ex - I usually had my safety net person with me.  I only let myself be around people I trusted enough that I could say, "umm, if ex is here - and comes towards me, we are leaving - deal?"

I practiced, the head nod, walk by just in case it was needed. 

Determined to not let my emotions rule, I will act "as if"... . I have not had that random encounter, which does kinda surprise me, but I also have cut ties with most mutual friends over the years, so that helps.

I don't think anyone is comfortable running into an ex the first time - coupled with BPD, yeah it is anxiety producing.  I vote - "fake it".

Cheers,

SB

[goldylamont]

Sleuth, your mind is already doing one good thing--it's imagining the worst outcome (her showing up all glowy with new bf and you being embarrassingly affected). i say work with this worst case scenario on your own while you are holed up for a bit. hey, need to stay in to heal? do it  and then make yourself get out some, you know, when you feel you won't run into her. in this way you can replay the anxiety and trauma of this reunion in the comfort of your own space, with no real consequences of being embarrassed. your in a band--so you know the importance of rehearsal!  all the crazy stuff you can imagine saying that would later embarrass you and make you look weak--play this out on your own in your safe space--say it out loud, say it loud, get it out! that way it's not there so much when/if the situation really arises. second thing i recommend is writing, literally writing out on paper the ideal reaction that you would have in any circumstance you could find yourself in running into her. i did this, i wrote it out right here on the board in a previous thread. could you write it out here, we could give some feedback. i'll try to find mine, let me know if you are interested and i'll re-post.

this gal has way more experience in the realm of revenge, punishment, low-down-and-dirty-acting-fake-indifference than you probably do... . so us nons have to do our homework. put together a little strategy and rehearse, rehearse away! 

[Sleuth]

That sounds really rough kellyo. I'm closer to a hermit than I was, for sure and the times I do go into the city do mostly involve alcohol so I'm already practicing my solutions to an extent! I actually had to curb that a bit at the start of the year as it was getting a bit silly.

I've avoided situations/locations I know/suspect she'll be there, I know the day will come when this doesn't affect me and perhaps I am being presumptuous to believe it will so much but whatever happens it's not going to be great, I would say extremely awkward would be the best I could hope for, followed by increased rumination etc following.

As bad as it's likely to be, I understand it's something that's necessary to endure and has been somewhat of an endurance with my prior exs. Probably another stepping stone to recovery but that hardly means I relish the prospect.

Why are you ordaining an iconic status upon her? She is a woman, a human being, but is bereft of the divine ability to enter your consciousness and "instantly set your recovery back months."  

Sorry, I did write this in a fairly exaggeratory manner... . The set backs have been temporary i.e. a few days to a week. In terms of 'devine ability', somewhat un-necessary given text messaging. In terms of wanting something from her, some genuine understanding and remorse for the deceit, the un-necessary hurt she caused me and the money she owes me, would be nice. In reality, nothing. Including reminders of her continued existence.

I genuinely want her to be happy, safe and well, don't get me wrong - I just want her to be entirely seperate from my life.

Unfortunately, I'm really not great at 'faking it'. This would inevitably be the course of action I'd have to take though, or run away. I too have had a 'wingman' who understood the situation and was willing to bail, so snap there :-)

Helpful words goldylamont, I appreciate and take it on board... .

could you write it out here, we could give some feedback. i'll try to find mine, let me know if you are interested and i'll re-post.

Yeah, ok! Leave it with me. By all means re-post yours here, or tell me how to find it?

Thanks for your responses everyone.

[goldylamont]

here's the link Sleuth, it was actually good for me to re-read this. check out the thread and let me know what you think. try listing out all the scenarios that could happen and the ideal response from you. and don't forget to let the non-ideal responses happen to, just on your own in private. i feel like it's equally important to let the 'bad' responses out the same as the good so that they aren't in your head waiting to pop out, rather out in the open already vocalized so that you are aware of them:

from posting: Blahrg She just moved in a few houses down; broke NC

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200159.msg12246445#msg12246445

Unfortunately, I'm really not great at 'faking it'. This would inevitably be the course of action I'd have to take though

faking it is a trained response, something she's had much much more practice than you. but her practicing 'faking' was done out of spite, revenge or perceived self preservation. that's why i'm recommending you practice on your own, but do it for your own health and growth.