Birthday came and went... nothing from Ex...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have to admit I'm kind of disappointed and sad.  It's only been barely a month and it was my choice to have no contact, but I was still hoping she would reach out on my birthday.  I guess I thought it would present the right opportunity for her to maybe apologize and or at least just say something nice.  But nothing. 

I can't be too surprised.  And maybe I should actually be glad she didn't.  But right now I just feel kinda empty and sad.

[Tordesillas]

I have to admit I'm kind of disappointed and sad.  It's only been barely a month and it was my choice to have no contact, but I was still hoping she would reach out on my birthday.  I guess I thought it would present the right opportunity for her to maybe apologize and or at least just say something nice.  But nothing. 

I can't be too surprised.  And maybe I should actually be glad she didn't.  But right now I just feel kinda empty and sad.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tordesillas, I understand your disappointment, yet wasn't it less stressful not to hear from your Ex on a special day?  Maybe you can view it as a positive step.  I do!  Maybe it's a subtle message that it's time to move on with your life?  Just sit with your emotions and observe.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[laelle]

I'm really sorry that you were disappointed that your ex didnt reach out.   

If you were looking for a sincere apology from her, you werent likely to get one anyway... . unless she wanted or needed something in return.

What would you have done if she did reach out?  Would you let her back in your life knowing what you know now?

You cant cure your pain with the pain she brings you... .  crazy + normal = crazy ALWAYS.

[laelle]

There is a reason that you left... . trust your gut instinct.

You know your hurting when your own body has to get your attention to make it stop... .

[Validation78]

Hi Tordsesillas!

I understand your feelings, and it's so sad that it has come to this!

 Happy Birthday from us instead!

Think of this as the birth of a new day!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[laelle]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TORDESILLAS!

Hope you have a great year with lots of growth and love.

[Tordesillas]

Thanks guys   That made me smile... .

And you're right.  I am ultimately better off not hearing from her.  I don't know why I'm so sad that I didn't.   I know if she did reach out it would most likely just be a veiled attempt to manipulate me somehow.  I guess part of me would see even her attempt to manipulate me as some kind of validation.  Geeze.  I can't wait for this kind of messed up desire to fade away.

[laelle]

I hear you Tordesillas!  

You REALLY dont want to be manipulated, do you?  

What is a birthday wish worth from someone who criticized, demeaned, disrespected and lied to you?

You remember the passive aggressive insults?  My ex would always say... . "I dont mean this in a bad way, but your a (something bad here)

Your going to be fine... .  You will find yourself again.

[Sleep doc]

Well it's normal to feel sad - it is.  This is an event that she knows has meaning to you and by her not acknowledging its as if it doesn't have meaning any more.  What I remember from my experience is that I went to NC and enforced it (that was 3 mths ago... . holy crap does time fly) I've been through a terrorist attack, her bday, the anniversary of when we first said I love you to each other and not a single one of those days did she reach out to me.  However she has reached out to me randomly and there will be a burst where if will be texts, then an email, then texts plus a phone call then just a phone call - usually with some missive about missing me in her life.  I guess because I now understand three things: a) I'm an adult and therefore control my actions and responses - I am the detrminant of the outcome, b) the relationship was unfair to both of us so as the ordered one it's my job to make sure to maintain the boundaries even if she can't and c) I can now see why she keeps all of her relationships casual - she doesn't value sex as much more than a proxy for attachment and real true feelings scare her because she can't process them in relation to another person in any meaningful way.  This is why she doesn't get truly mournful, sentimental or value the things in love that I value.  Which is why contact was never around moments that WE shared, they are just driven by the nadir of her attachment fear.  

Of course you're sad - if this was an ordinary relationship you would be sad. Just accept it for what is and realize that the feeling is not compelling you to get HER back just the feeling back.  When the feeling matters more than the person who evocatates - then the feeling isn't real.

[Tordesillas]

Sleep doc... .

Some really interesting thoughts there.  My ex was actually very into the significance of dates when we were together.  Almost overly so.  She made note of our anniversary EVERY MONTH even if it was in some small way.  And she went over the top for birthdays/christmas.  So in a way I think being ignored on my birthday might say just as much as if she HAD reached out. 

Maybe she's angry at being cut off?  Maybe she just got the hint that I didn't want to hear from her?  I did block her phone number, all social profiles and chat programs.  Ignored her emails and everything.  That's a pretty strong message.

[danley]

I think it's normal for you to feel sad. It's an important day and I'm sure you relate important milestones with loved ones. Your ex was a part of your life. I found it difficult when my birthday came around a few weeks after we broke up. It was always a day when he would do something special for me. I was sad when that didn't happen like it always did.

My ex didn't do anything special like he used to. He did say happy birthday but it was kinda in a way that made me feel it was an after thought. I said thank you with a smile but the whole moment felt a Bit empty. It hurt but I guess it's better than nothing. His birthday rolled around a few weeks after. I didn't tell him happy birthday but left a card in the mailbox instead. He said Thanks and seemed so touched that I reached out. But a few days later it proved to be something he used against me. It seemed like he got his daily fix of validation and moved on.

I wish I were like him sometimes. Able to shut out completely with No remorse and disgust. But I'm not like that. So I just practice shutting out when I have nothing to say. I realize that there are way more people in my life who brought joy on my birthday. I'm sure there are plenty of people in your life too that will share in your special day. Have a great day!

[bpdspell]

It is disappointing cause on some level you still seek validation from her that you matter. Well I'm here to tell you that you don't need validation from a mentally ill person. They don't have the tools or the emotional maturity to validate our existence!

Validate yourself. Be kind to yourself. Fall in love with yourself. Respect yourself. Your ex will never be able to give these positive feelings to you because she dwells in an abyss of negativity. Expecting them to approve of our existence is like expecting a cat to like taking baths.

Missing her makes you human but don't delude yourself into thinking that she has the keys to your happiness. She never did and she never will.

BTW. Happy Birthday!

Spell

[Tordesillas]

BPDspell... .

Thanks... . and I agree!  The tricky part is that disconnect between the head and the emotions... . I know its messed up to expect validation, and yet I still want it and hope for it.  Like craving a drug.  I have a new appreciation for the difficulty in kicking an addiction and the core issues that are always at the root of why it's there in the first place.

[LosingIt2]

BPDspell,

Everything you say is insanely helpful. Thanks.

[bb12]

Happy Birthday from Australia, Tordesillas!

[crystalclear]

Happy Birthday Tordesillas!

Good luck for the present and the future... . hope you find happiness,love and peace!

[SockMonkey]

My ex is the BPD. He went NC on me almost a year ago. 6/20 was my b-day and I thought he might reach out.  He did not.  Of course, he has a new "target" so he is likely consumed with her.

I must be 100% stripped black.