Resentment

[beinggentle]

I've been away from the boards for some time now, as life was finally settling down. Although I've maintained a relationship with my UNPD mom, it's mostly on my terms now. I've had success letting go of the upset I feel when she's hurtful and I don't think about my past so much anymore.

Thing is, the healthier I seem to get, the more I resent being healthy. I know that sounds really twisted. It's like I don't want to be emotionally healthy because now that means I can take care of myself. I can think through the situations that trigger my old unhealthy coping methods. I can feel and think past my old triggers. No, I don't get upset near as much as I used to. Which is great. But you know what? It's utterly exhausting!

It's like - great. I went through all this therapy to learn how to get support, and the point was to learn to live without it? I had to take care of myself through my whole childhood and now my reward is having to do it still for the rest of my life? I'm sick to death of having to take care of myself!  I'm eating everything in sight and never want to get up off the couch anymore. I just couldn't care less about anything anymore, and its concerning me.

As unhealthy as it sounds, I want someone else to take care of me now. I'm sick of having to do it and I quit! But I know how unhealthy that is and how badly that attitude is hurting me. I just don't know how to get back that will to be healthy.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh wow, I had to smile in relating to this.  Having to do it all and then learning I have to do it all.  I would love someone to walk in and say, hey you take it easy, I'll make dinner and then scrub your bathroom clean.     Just one thing after another needing to be taken care of and feeling so tired of it all.  I think it's ok to let things go to hell in a hand basket for a bit. The couldn't care less part is depression.  This stuff is depressing, no getting around it.

I think what turns it around is finding little spots of joy again.  Eating and living on the couch gets boring.  Your brain needs a bit more stimulation eventually.  Things that make you happy haven't changed.  It goes into a bit of selfishness, I like doing X, so that's what I'm gonna do.  One thing that makes me feel happy is getting things organized.  The whole thing can be overwhelming, take it in little chunks.  Like scrub the heck out of the kitchen sink and make it sparkle.  My big joy yesterday was throwing crap away in the garage, sweeping the whole thing out, putting that darn two seater bike out front on the sidewalk with a 'free' sign on it.  Someone grabbed that bike pretty quick and I was so pleased.  Thank you, Stranger, for taking that reminder away! It's little things like that that bring back the joy.

[beinggentle]

Hi Rose Tiger. Thanks for replying. I can see what you're saying. I know the things that usually bring me joy yet thinking about getting up to go do them is exhausting. It just makes me want to go to sleep. But I've been sleeping so much lately I feel guilty. My husbands been doing most of the work around here.

[Rose Tiger]

Sleeping is helping you to heal.  The more you try to do when you are so tired will just make healing take longer.  Emotions are tied to physical well being, you've been through a lot.  Be gentle with yourself.  I spent those first months crocheting a blanket (while sitting on the couch).  That way I could rest and still have something to bring me a little joy.  Maybe taking care of you is allowing yourself this downtime.  Taking care of yourself for survival was in the past, now it's taking care of yourself because you are important.

[Maryiscontrary]

Do you have good friends that make you feel special?

[P.F.Change]

I know the things that usually bring me joy yet thinking about getting up to go do them is exhausting. It just makes me want to go to sleep. But I've been sleeping so much lately I feel guilty. My husbands been doing most of the work around here.

How long have you been feeling this way? It does sound like depression. Are you talking to your T about it?

When you are sick, you need to rest. It is ok to let others pick up the slack. Your part is to seek treatment and follow the regimen prescribed for you.

Taking care of yourself is not something we do entirely alone, believe it or not. A marriage can be a good opportunity to practice interdependence, giving AND receiving. It's like going on a hike together. We walk independently but can also give each other a hand. The hike is much more enjoyable when both people know how to walk and do so. Not so much fun when one or both expect to be carried the whole way. Of course if something happens along the way, a companion can help you hobble to safety.

What areas in your life are you feeling you need to receive something? Which tanks are running empty?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[beinggentle]

Thanks Rose Tiger, Mary,

I do have a number of friends - one really good one. Always seems she's going through something else that's 'bigger' than what I am. She is a single mom and they're having custody issues etc. So I really, really hate to go to her when I'm really down.

How long have you been feeling this way? It does sound like depression. Are you talking to your T about it?

It's been slowly getting worse for about a month now. I expect it's in part in reaction to lowering my ADs however I question that too. When my depression was a lot worse a few years back, I never had this kind of listlessness.

ANd, it just seems like everything's too hard... . trying to set boundaries; refute the old unhealthy messages when they come up; go through the effort to talk back against my self-criticism; separate my feelings from those I'm feeling 'for' others; recognizing when I'm thinking in black-and-white terms and reframing it for myself ... . GOD it's just all too MUCH.

WHEN does this get easier? Because let me tell you, i've been in therapy for almost 4 years now and it just keeps getting harder.

[P.F.Change]

WHEN does this get easier? Because let me tell you, i've been in therapy for almost 4 years now and it just keeps getting harder.

I can really hear your frustration. It sounds like you are feeling worn out. I know sometimes I still wish for a mommy to take care of me when I am tired and sad. That is a pretty basic need. But I don't have that kind of mother, so when I am feeling like that, I have to comfort myself instead. I am a good mother. I can love myself. I don't know if this is what you are grieving--not having a safe mother to encourage and soothe you--but what you say sounds similar to what I feel sometimes.

What do you feel is hard about taking care of your boundaries? Does anything seem easier when you ignore them? What are the pros and cons?

I do not know how to answer your question about when things get easier. I don't really know what "easier" means to you, and each person heals and learns at his own pace. To me, it sounds like the depression is exacerbating things. Adjusting meds can definitely cause some added emotional stress. It is important to keep checking in with your doc. I remember that when I was weaning off my meds, I would feel pretty blah and weepy for the first day or two every time I stepped down on dosage. Then things would level out and I would take the next step down. 

How are things since your last post? Have you talked with your doc and your T about what you have been feeling?

PF

[beinggentle]

What do you feel is hard about taking care of your boundaries? Does anything seem easier when you ignore them? What are the pros and cons?

I guess it's the ambiguity. I'm ok with my closest friends, but speaking with my family members is still causing a lot of grief. I expect that this is just going to be the way of it... . figuring out when I should speak up for myself, or when I am truly feeling strong enough that I can just blow off whatever it 'is', and just walk away. I keep seeming to get it wrong. Speaking up then regretting saying anything; or not speaking up and realizing - only much too late of course - that I should have. Geez. Who needs the frustration.

I know ignoring boundaries isn't going to help matters. But I don't know what will help that feels manageable enough for me to want to bother trying. All I can figure out is I should likely just stay away from my family. Then I won't have to deal with it. But of course a couple of them are coming to stay next month. Tsk. I know I'll never tell them to stay away, but I do wish sometimes that something would happen so that the visit just can't happen.

How are things since your last post? Have you talked with your doc and your T about what you have been feeling?

I've had a few days since then, that have felt better. It's still up and down though. I talked with my T on the phone a week ago. She said I should put my AD dose up again, so I did.

[P.F.Change]

... . figuring out when I should speak up for myself, or when I am truly feeling strong enough that I can just blow off whatever it 'is', and just walk away. I keep seeming to get it wrong. Speaking up then regretting saying anything; or not speaking up and realizing - only much too late of course - that I should have.

I understand--this is very tricky to figure out. It's like learning to use muscles you never even knew you had.

The good news is, there aren't wrong answers. You're not failing--you're learning. You can keep tuning in when you have feelings of anger or "ickiness," and look for which boundary got crossed.  As long as you are noticing, you are making progress. There is no such thing as perfect.

Glad you checked in with your T and hope things continue to improve.

PF

[beinggentle]

Well, I have to chuckle. This is very helpful. ... .

The good news is, there aren't wrong answers.

I chuckle because I was looking at it from the point of view that there were no RIGHT answers. And has that caused me more stress than I ever believed it could. The lack of the black-and-white thinking I grew up being taught (albeit an unhealthy way of thinking) made me at least feel like I had a stable framework to make decisions with. Being able to think in healthier ways, see options, (and not be so quick to judge myself, in particular) was becoming so complex and overwhelming by comparison.

But, , the flip side of there being no right answers, IS that therefore, there are no WRONG answers either isn't it? Funny, but that released a lot of stress for me, thinking of that. Thanks for sharing that, and for the encouragement. It means a lot.

[P.F.Change]

But, , the flip side of there being no right answers, IS that therefore, there are no WRONG answers either isn't it? Funny, but that released a lot of stress for me, thinking of that. Thanks for sharing that, and for the encouragement. It means a lot.

Very true! I understand how the abundance of new options (shades of gray, if you will) can seem overwhelming. Glad to have helped a bit. How are things nowadays?

PF

[beinggentle]

Hugs for checking in PFChange - I really appreciate it. I'm glad too, to share, because something very interesting turned up in an appt with one of my medical doctors last week. Maybe this might help others too. Turns out my B12 and Iron levels were right at the bottom of the normal range. No wonder I had absolutely no energy and was so overwhelmed, and slipping back into depressive thinking.

It's been a tough, but huge learning experience for me, that I am grateful for now. I'm seeing how critical it is to take care of our whole selves. If our bodies aren't healthy, our minds and emotions don't stand a chance.

The other lesson I learned though this, is how important it is to continue learning to reach out and ask for help; share what's really going on with the people who CAN help. Here's how I learned this: I'd actually had the blood work done a full month ago, and saw a different doctor (they're both my GPs - one's a locum for the other) right afterwards. But she never mentioned the iron and b12 levels. At first I couldn't figure out why - then I realized... . I never told her how exhausted I was! How much I was sleeping, and how sad and overwhelmed with just basic caring for myself. When she asked me how I was feeling, I just said ok, and that my moods were a little up and down, and I felt cranky. I didn't want to tell her about the exhaustion because I didn't want to complain and be perceived as a whiner. In fact, I believed it WAS because I lazy & weak; not strong enough to handle everyday life. And I didn't want her to know it. So, I never told her. So I can understand why, she wouldn't have thought anything was wrong. My levels were still in the normal range, just low. It was only last week at my appt with my other doctor that I was so exhausted that I finally had to spill it. And therefore got an answer.

Today I am feeling like I'm getting back to normal. I've been on the added vitamins for a week and a half. I still have to be really careful how much I do each day. And if I miss my vitamins the exhaustion comes back very quickly. But I feel more positive and interested in life again. I am so relieved, as was my psychologist when I told her.

All I can say is thank God. Thank God I'm on the other side of it now. And thank everyone who was here to help. I was getting really scared of how I was feeling, of the dark thoughts I was having. I never, ever want to be in that place again. Please everybody, if you're getting to that point, reach out and really, deeply tell anyone who will listen how much you're struggling. Get some help. You deserve to feel better. Thanks again for sticking by me this month PF. Hugs, BG.

[P.F.Change]

I'm so glad to hear how you've taken care of yourself and that you're feeling better! Well done. 

PF