Do we do what is right even though it is wrong by him?

[Not normal]

Do we do the right thing, or follow uBPDh 's orders ?

Everything I do, I get painted black. He said it will make no differenceeven if I right the 'wrong' so I must continue doing what's wrong in his eyes... .

I'm constantly getting painted black for my chpice, as that is one of the reasons. For my failure as a wife.

I was perfect when he married me, now I'm the cause of all his despair.

While setting boundaries, he reluctantly follows with divorce threats lurking in my head... .

He's in the mindset that he no longer wants to try to be with a horrible person, me.

I'm waiting for an action but nothing from him.

[lockedout]

If you're going to wait, you're going to keep waiting. There's also nothing they'll see as doing "right" by them. If I tried to tell her why I was having such a hard time being the husband she "deserved", (ie implying what she was doing to contribute to the problem), I was accused of abuse and manipulation. Or I'd get the passive-aggressive "so, i'm a bad person and it's ALL my fault and I deserve to be abused by you". I once told her that I was doing all the work at trying to make the marriage to work and that she was doing none of it. Her response was "I am working on it: I'm waiting for you to come around".

You're where I was in the months before I left. All I can say is that the prognosis for your marriage is extremely poor but things will get better once you get away from a person who does nothing but badger and devalue you.

[tuum est61]

The short answer is yes, do what you think is right. It makes no difference to him, right?

You need to do so mainly because it is the very first thing you can do to make yourself start feeling better. Recognize he will likely begin to feel worse.  Be prepared to validate his feelings, and if necessary,  remove yourself from the area if he threatens or is verbally abusive.  

As far as him not wanting to be with you, those are his feelings. You are not responsible for how he feels.  You can validate his feelings but it would appear that he is only saying that out of frustration of not being to handle his emotions. You need to avoid trying to handle his confused and confusing feelings around that and other things as well.    

Hang in there and keep posting. Let us know how things are going.  

[Not normal]

If you're going to wait, you're going to keep waiting. There's also nothing they'll see as doing "right" by them. If I tried to tell her why I was having such a hard time being the husband she "deserved", (ie implying what she was doing to contribute to the problem), I was accused of abuse and manipulation. Or I'd get the passive-aggressive "so, i'm a bad person and it's ALL my fault and I deserve to be abused by you". I once told her that I was doing all the work at trying to make the marriage to work and that she was doing none of it. Her response was "I am working on it: I'm waiting for you to come around".

You're where I was in the months before I left. All I can say is that the prognosis for your marriage is extremely poor but things will get better once you get away from a person who does nothing but badger and devalue you.

Thanks for this, it reminds me that expecting human empathy from him is near impossible... . I try to set a good example and being ridiculed by him... . the marriage is new, Ive still got a bit of energy n patience in me... . I guess I owe it to our son to not give up... .

I was weak to be convinced by him that I am the problem when I'm giving it all while he's leading a bachelor life... .

[Not normal]

The short answer is yes, do what you think is right. It makes no difference to him, right?

You need to do so mainly because it is the very first thing you can do to make yourself start feeling better. Recognize he will likely begin to feel worse.  Be prepared to validate his feelings, and if necessary,  remove yourself from the area if he threatens or is verbally abusive.  

As far as him not wanting to be with you, those are his feelings. You are not responsible for how he feels.  You can validate his feelings but it would appear that he is only saying that out of frustration of not being to handle his emotions. You need to avoid trying to handle his confused and confusing feelings around that and other things as well.    

Hang in there and keep posting. Let us know how things are going.  

Thank you for your kind encouragement... . it is true, doing and choosing anything is my fault no matter what... . the pot in the kitchen breaks and its my fault.

Like a religion, I got complacent during happy times and unprepared during crunchtime... .

I was totally unprepared when he told me, I should find another man good for me. That we are unsuitable... . I flipped after holding back tears and receiving more insults after that when I tried not to react... .

[SadWifeofBPD]

I try to do what's right.  Right now, I'm painted BLACK-BLACK for doing what I think is right, and it may end my 28 year marriage.  My H got into a physical altercation with our adult son.  My H caused the whole thing (I was a witness to the entire event and our son was just defending me because H was raging at me).  Yet, H wants me to agree with him that it was all our son's fault.  I refuse to do that because it would be very wrong.

I couldn't live with myself if I didnt' do what's right.  And, for practical purposes, I wouldn't throw my innocent child "under the bus". After all, my child will always be my child, but at any point, H could divorce me.

[Not normal]

I try to do what's right.  Right similar I'm painted BLACK-BLACK for doing what I think is right, and it may end my 28 year marriage.  My H got into a physical altercation with our adult son.  My H caused the whole thing (I was a witness to the entire event and our son was just defending me because H was raging at me).  Yet, H wants me to agree with him that it was all our son's fault.  I refuse to do that because it would be very wrong.

I couldn't live with myself if I didnt' do what's right.  And, for practical purposes, I wouldn't throw my innocent child "under the bus". After all, my child will always be my child, but at any point, H could divorce me.

This sickness is so bad... . hope your h will get over this after a while... .

My son is 3, but i can imagine something similar to happen, if we do have a future after... .

A thing i noticed about these people, everyone else is perefect except people he condemned and his wife... .