'You're so selfish'

[zubizou87]

I'm about to go on holiday to Europe but before I go I'm spending a few days with my mother, well I'm actually going more so I can spend time with my sister as we find it hard being away from each other. Anyway I have this lingering feeling my mum is going to attack me during my visit and try to persuade me not to go, one of the things she always does is tell me I'm arrogant or selfish, usually when I'm not doing what she wants.

I don't think I'm selfish, I just behave like a normal professional twenty-something without kids yet. I work hard, support myself, spend my free time with my friends or going on holidays as a treat.

I know that my mum expects me to try to fill the empty void of chaos inside her when I know there are better things I could be doing with my time. I still feel a lingering sense of unease that something bad will happen to me because I'm not doing what she wants. Last night I had a dream that I left my handbag in a bar and when I found it someone had stolen my passport which meant I couldn't go on holiday. I felt to upset and helpless yet my mother was delighted she got her way again... .

[Grieving_Sister]

What an awful dream. Keep that passport in a security vault! 

You might be feeling dread and that is understandable. Have you set any safety boundaries between you and your mum?

[GeekyGirl]

I don't think I'm selfish, I just behave like a normal professional twenty-something without kids yet. I work hard, support myself, spend my free time with my friends or going on holidays as a treat.

That's what matters. What you said here is great. If you have the means, why not go? Enjoy every minute of your trip.  

I know it's hard to turn off that inner critic, but you're right--your mother is looking to you to fill the void in her life. Wanting to do things that make you happy doesn't make you selfish. I'm sure that dream has left you nervous (that's very understandable), but what can you do to make sure that it doesn't happen? Is there a safe place where you can put your passport so you know it will be there when you need it, as Grieving_Sister suggested? What can you do to silence that voice in your head telling you that you're selfish?