My newly found backbone is being tested this morning...

[allibaba]

I had hoped that firm and consistent boundaries would reduce this behavior but now I am wondering... .

That is a secondary goal and in fact a hopeful byproduct, the real goal is firm and consistent boundaries would reduce the effect this behavior has on my life

WOW MAN THIS IS DEEP.  How in the world did I miss this?  One of the most amazing things about my journey (a journey that started in earnest on April 29 of this year) is that it is constantly evolving.  You start to grasp one lesson and that lesson becomes easy and then something else that you have to work on automatically unfolds.

And yes, waverider, what I saw was an across the board extinction burst.  He was in pain.  Real pain over something that really hurts him (I can see that clearly this morning) and he desperately tried to lash out at me to feel better and I wasn't there... . and it made him incredibly angry.

Yoda Kitty, You and Waverider are both correct about not saying the stuff I had prepared about getting out of the marriage and I adored that article... . it sounded like something that I would do.  That woman really has it together even if the traditional Western world might view her as weak.

So the 'funk' lasted less than 24 hrs.  The only time I contacted him yesterday was to tell him the plan for dinner (he needed space) and the response back was that he had gone to pick up son early from daycare.  I got home and things were 'normal'.  Once toddler was put to bed, he attacked me (ha ha in a good way folks) in a warm and passionate way and he was gentle and kind and loving.  Normally coming out of a funk he is cold and distant and I maintain the warmth until he can climb on board.  Not last night... . he was different.  I got him out the door bright and early this morning.  He really didn't want to go to work and normally he would find an excuse to rage but not this morning... . this morning he found cool, calm criticism and I couldn't argue because he had valid points (though I disagree with 4:45am as being the correct time to discuss them!)... . I'll work on that issue another day.  He called back a few min after he left the house to say 'have a good day' which is his way of saying... . "I shouldn't have been acting the way I was before I left the house."

And now I am back to 'Trudging my road of Happy Destiny.'  Thanks to you all for carrying me again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Your shared victory reveals to me the possibility that it may be more than my 26-yo-sister with uBPD. Your episode takes me back to my childhood, with my Dad!

Just the thought of placing myself in your situation reminded me of my physiological and emotional responses to conflict. Thank you for presenting some new questions I need to sort out. . wheeeeee

Grieving Sister I'm so pleased to have you on board.  Isn't it funny how you block things.  Frankly my first introduction to BPD was a therapist telling me that it was likely that my mom had it.  I spent YEARS working on the relationship and its was HARD... . and then I got things to a manageable place with her... . and I actually forgot that she had it (armchair psychologists please refrain from diagnosing ).  I found bpdfamily because of serious issues with my husband... . heck I was on the site for 3 months before I remembered that my mom is likely uBPD.  How did I block that?  But having been through it with her gave me the internal strength to get off my butt and start working on the issues in my life with my husband. 

Thanks for being part of my journey.

[4now]

I ran into this article a while ago, and the person involved doesn't sound like a pwBPD... . but it was still pretty inspirational what this woman did in response.

www.theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

Strangely, I think I had read this before.  I could so relate to the woman's ordeal.  Right down to the fourth of July.  I, sadly, no exaggeration, burst into tears when I read that her husband had finally come around.  I didn't have that response before when I read it.  But today, after seeing mini- and I mean mini- steps from my h in the right directions, I feel so upset that I haven't gotten that big turning of the corner.  Even sadder, I think my tears were affirmation of what I have known in my heart for a long time.  There will be no day like this for me.  Boo-hoo. :'(

Or maybe I am just being dramatic, I don't know.  It's all so hard and it wears you down, no doubt.

[waverider]

I ran into this article a while ago, and the person involved doesn't sound like a pwBPD... . but it was still pretty inspirational what this woman did in response.

www.theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

That approach could also have an opposite effect. H wanted to feel needed, he didn't get that. The message he got was he was optional. That can quickly spiral into you dont need me, I am useless. Leading to worse depression with serious consequences. H in that instance wasn't pwBPD (as far as we can tell) but a pwBPD could spiral to extremes by that obvious looking after no1 approach. A touch more S & E required i think in a case like that for a pwBPD

Strangely, I think I had read this before.  I could so relate to the woman's ordeal.  Right down to the fourth of July.  I, sadly, no exaggeration, burst into tears when I read that her husband had finally come around.  I didn't have that response before when I read it.  But today, after seeing mini- and I mean mini- steps from my h in the right directions, I feel so upset that I haven't gotten that big turning of the corner.  Even sadder, I think my tears were affirmation of what I have known in my heart for a long time.  There will be no day like this for me.  Boo-hoo. :'(

Or maybe I am just being dramatic, I don't know.  It's all so hard and it wears you down, no doubt.