Validation of confusing statements

[Chosen]

This morning, uBPDh and I had a weird conversation.

H: I feel terrible.

Me: What's wrong?

H: I hate my job.

Me: Oh no.  So you feel bad about having to go in to work?

H: No.  I am happy.

I was left   and I didn't say anything.  I didn't validate, I was just confused.  It's like having a conversation with a two year old.  Is it normal for pwBPDs?  And do these confusing, conflicting feelings need validation?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[daylily]

Wow, maybe you've experienced one of those feeling shifts in warp speed!  I think all of us have noticed that their feelings change day to day, but that's FAST!   

[united for now]

Was he being sarcastic?

[Chosen]

Nope.  It is not said without a lot of feeling (he doesn't express feelings well, except for anger).

And actually after he said he's happy he left and did other things and didn't mention the subject again!

[MammaMia]

Chosen

My guess is your uBPDh may have been saying he hates his job but he is happy he has one.

Is that too logical?

[Chosen]

I think he often has conflicting feelings.

In a way his job is what he had really wanted, because it is in the scope of his study, and the nature is something he wants to do.

But he's a complainer, and of course in every kind of job something falls short of your expectation (politics, salary, boss' attitude, etc.), and then he doesn't like his job so much anymore.

And he's also filled with a sense that he has underachieved, thinks he's smart and should do better and so on... .

[Chosen]

Chosen

My guess is your uBPDh may have been saying he hates his job but he is happy he has one.

Is that too logical?

MammaMia, I think for him it's probably more like "I know I should be happy I have a job but I hate it."  I have a feeling he hates it, but he shouldn't say it because it's ungrateful so he constantly invalidates himself.

[waverider]

Probably just thinking aloud, going through pros and cons, not just giving you a considered balanced opinion.

[Chosen]

If he's just thinking out loud, does it mean I don't need to validate?  Just acknowledge he said something and that's ok?

[waverider]

If he's just thinking out loud, does it mean I don't need to validate?  Just acknowledge he said something and that's ok?

Thats what i do, no need to stick you neck out unnecessarily.

Ironically I learned this from my partner, as I have a habit of muttering to myself when frustrated (eg computer issues, fixing something, or loosing something). Each time I say anything, my partner would rush in asking "what did I do?", "whats the problem?", "why dont you do this etc". That annoys me even more trying to explain something technical to her that I know she wont understand, I know she is only trying to validate me and be helpful at times, but it was an incursion into my thought process and i got snippy at times.

So now I validate only when its is obvious my input is likely to be wanted. You can't always assume someone wants your opinion. Over validating can end up being invasive or even patronizing if you are not careful. You soon learn to judge it.