Blow up tonight

[Theo41]

Im new to the site but not new to the problem. Recently drinking has been added to the equation. After a nice weekend away with friends she has 2-3 large glasses of wine. The personality change occurred. I tried to avoid/lay low but the anger and abusive language got punctuated by her throwing the remote on me (2x). I retreated to the bedroom and folded laundry. She followed me on the attack again. It was not as harsh as it has been at other times but I couldn't take it and said "You've had too much to drink. You breath stinks from wine and you are being abusive to me." this hit her hard. I felt bad and spent two hours listening to her negative ramblings and rubbing her feet until she began to get ugly with me again. I ate a little something and went to bed, but not before she said "I'll be gone in the morning." I'm ok with that because while I still care for her, the behavior and walking on eggshells for all these years has become more than I can continue to bear. At the same time I fear separation after more than 30 yrs. of marriage and feel for her and know that she's sick. (unfortunately she is in total denial regarding her mental/emotional problem and the problem drinking as well.)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

  and to staying


Going to alanon is excellent, since they will be giving you some wonderful ideas on how to step out of the enabling role. We have some great resources here that are specific to BPD that you can access over to the right in the blue box. The lessons are also at the top of the staying board index. I suggest reading through them slowly, and choosing one area at a time to focus on, rather than trying to change everything all at once.

I do have a question for you - why did you comfort her tonight?

[Theo41]

Three things:

1. Thanks so much to the moderator "staying for now" who responded to my post " blow up last night." I'm not sure how to use the boards and hope my replying here will work.

2. Not sure why I comforted her. Perhaps love and empathy. Perhaps fear of loss or separation.

3. I'm starting into the lessons.

Please let me know how to respond to a reply. Thanks.

[Auspicious]

Please let me know how to respond to a reply. Thanks.

You did fine

You can also click "Quote" on a post, if you want to quote some of it for context.  You can delete any portions that you don't want in the quote (as I did above, when quoting you).

[united for now]

We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. You taught her that bad behavior is rewarded... .

[Theo41]

Thanks for this feedback:

We teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. You taught her that bad behavior is rewarded... .

Very helpful.