Impossible to do things for him

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anybody find it disappointing when trying to do something nice for your pwBPDs?

Background: H likes taking pictures.  He has talked about wanting to use his photos to produce postcards.  I have been talking to a close friend about hiring her to do some freelance design jobs (she used to be a designer) so I could go print postcards of my H's work.  It was meant to be a surprise for him.  Friend is very busy though (she's a student at a seminary), so she can only do the work in these few months.  FYI, H has just been talking about printing his pictures, he's never got round to doing anything about it. 

And then today he was asking me (via email) again about printing the photos, ask me what needs to be done.  I told him he will need to hire a designer, and that I have been talking to the friend about the design jobs, so he can get his picture printed.  His reply?  No "thank you" or anything, just asked "when did you discuss it with her?"

I hate that every time I do something for him, just as an act of goodwill, he acts as though it's expected of me, and that I'm doing it poorly.  And yet I love this man and I can't seem to stop doing things for him (I have rather lowered by own expectations, and have detached a bit, but I guess it isn't enough).  I feel like I'm a pathetic person, and that I bring my own frustrations upon myself.

I know I can’t expect him to change, so what am I to do?  Stop doing things for him when I know he won’t appreciate it (even though it’s something he wants)?

[Chosen]

Does anybody find it disappointing when trying to do something nice for your pwBPDs?

Background: H likes taking pictures.  He has talked about wanting to use his photos to produce postcards.  I have been talking to a close friend about hiring her to do some freelance design jobs (she used to be a designer) so I could go print postcards of my H's work.  It was meant to be a surprise for him.  Friend is very busy though (she's a student at a seminary), so she can only do the work in these few months.  FYI, H has just been talking about printing his pictures, he's never got round to doing anything about it. 

And then today he was asking me (via email) again about printing the photos, ask me what needs to be done.  I told him he will need to hire a designer, and that I have been talking to the friend about the design jobs, so he can get his picture printed.  His reply?  No "thank you" or anything, just asked "when did you discuss it with her?"

I hate that every time I do something for him, just as an act of goodwill, he acts as though it's expected of me, and that I'm doing it poorly.  And yet I love this man and I can't seem to stop doing things for him (I have rather lowered by own expectations, and have detached a bit, but I guess it isn't enough).  I feel like I'm a pathetic person, and that I bring my own frustrations upon myself.

I know I can’t expect him to change, so what am I to do?  Stop doing things for him when I know he won’t appreciate it (even though it’s something he wants)?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Chosen,

I can relate in that whenever I want to surprise my pwBPD he often finds out or does the thing himself before I can surprise him, it is frustrating, I tell him now not to buy himself anything in the month before his birthday. But it is more of an accident rather than him responding in an upsetting way.

I know I can’t expect him to change, so what am I to do?  Stop doing things for him when I know he won’t appreciate it (even though it’s something he wants)?

Tough one here.

You have said you want to keep doing things for him, so you may have to just reframe it for yourself, and know that you are doing it bc you want to, you are doing it regardless of the outcome, and you get satisfaction in doing it, not in his response to you doing it.

Does that make sense? I guess I am saying it might be good to look at your reasons for doing it, what need of yours is being met by doing things for him? And can that need still be met even if he doesn't appreciate it?

Love Blazing Star

[Chosen]

Does that make sense? I guess I am saying it might be good to look at your reasons for doing it, what need of yours is being met by doing things for him? And can that need still be met even if he doesn't appreciate it?

I do things for him because I love him and I want to support him (his work, his interests).  Also because he has told me so many times that I don't take initiative to do things that please him.  And yet every time I do it, when I take the initiative to do something for him, he will find a way to sabatoge it.

Bought him tickets to a movie he said he wants to watch?  He calls me stupid for not thinking about how inconvenient the time is, and now we will have to rush home.  Also, he has a meeting at church that night (which he hasn't told me about) and now he will have to miss it and be really irresponsible.  And why can't I just ask him next time before I make a purchase?

And then the next time I ask him before I order tickets.  I'm stupid for not just doing it.  If I think he likes it, I should just do it instead of asking.  When he does stuff for me, he never asks because he's sensitive to what I want, and why can't I be more like him.  If I think he will like something, I should just get the tickets.  If he doesn't want to watch it, he will not go.

So how do you act with a person like this?

[Chosen]

Also, another thing happened today:

H wants cable tv, I went to their shop and looked at the packages yesterday, and before I signed anything I asked H many times what kinds of channels he wants, so I will definitely include them.  He says anything is ok (as long as he gets the sports channel), thanks for doing it, I can decide on the rest, so I just picked one package and signed the contract.

As soon as he saw the contract last night he was annoyed because he doesn't want the channels in that package.  So I took the trouble and called the company to ask them if I can change, and they allowed me to make my changes within today (they didn't have to, as I have already signed the contract, so they were being nice).  And then H is annoyed now because he kept asking me "why do you have to rush into everything?  I don't understand why you have to rush into this."  I already told him that without signing any contract, they would not let me take their price sheet away, but anyhow he can pick the channels he want now and if they exceed the amount I already paid, I can pay more per month, I am prepared to do this.

And he isn't happy about it.  Seems like another case of whatever I do, I don't do it good enough.