What hurts the worst

[cal644]

My stbex and I will be finalizing the divorce within the next month (19 years).  I understand so much on BPD now, and how her being an child of an alcoholic and being sexually abused factors into everything.  While the loss hurts as most of you know, I think the thing that hurts the most is how she has affected my thinking on life.  Here was this shy, antisocial, very walled in, introvert, who left her family for a texting relationship from a guy she met once while she was a bridesmaid at a wedding.  Here are some of my thoughts that I beleive now that I never have my whole life.

1. Love is a lie - since she told me she hated and resented me for years - but she still put on her fake mask and acted like she loved me.

2. That if you love your wife/husband show them love and affection, do things with them, and encourage them and help them in your life they will never cheat. - I don't beleive that anymore.

3. That if you are a husband who puts your family first you will be loved and respected by your wife and kids.  I don't beleive that anymore - at least not the wife part - I still strongly beleive it for the kids as I have seen how having a loving father compared to not too can mess up a person.

4. That family meals, church, spending time doing fun things with your family will build a strong love within the home.  I now don't beleive that as my wife has said how she resented certain things like church, some of the family things we did.

5. That there is such a thing as a soulmate - I used to beleive that and my wife said we were soulmates - but not now!

6. Unfortunaly I now beleive all people are selfish and will do whatever serves their best interest - I feel like an isolated individual who always put my family and wife in front of my own needs.

7. That their are any faithful people out their - like I said shy, innocent, introverted wife - but yet she has the affair.

8. Unfortunately I also feel like she has her whole life - that I'm not good enough now and that everyone in the future will leave me just like she does.

9. That having good family oriented friends will help build strong bonds with each other and other people with the same values - she has disowned all of our good family oriented friends and is now hanging out with scum who beat their wives, have affairs, and are drunks.

It's hard to explain but everyone thought we were the perfect couple - I know now she was just mirroring me and really maybe it was my love and affection that people saw.

This is just the tip of my new found beleifs - I hate her for what she has done to me, her family, our friends, our church but most of all I hate what she has done to my beleifs about life.

[laelle]

Cal, 

Those thoughts that you have listed are only true where your ex wife is concerned.  They dont apply to other relationships in your life do they?

This is NOT your fault.  Your wife is ill and disordered.  She does not behave as ordered people do.

You value your family and your relationship with God... .   Most women would have loved and respected that.


I know things are difficult for you right now, and 19 years is a long time to be lost in her world.  What kind of things are you doing for you?

Something that has Cal written all over it?

[cal644]

That is the sad part - most of my close friends, family, etc are nothing like that and I am very close to them. But as I start talking to other bew people, single and some married (of course married to BPD same situation like me) I hear these horror stories and lost part of my faith and hope for a "real" marriage.  The last thing what am I doing for me (has CAL written all over it) - nothing, my life revolved around my wife, kids, coaching my daughters softball team and church. Now I am lost most of what I held dear to me is gone (still have kids 2 weeks out of the month) - but I used to be outgoing (now I'm more of a hermit) I used to be confident (now I worry everybody thinks I am a failure because I couldn't hold my family together).  I am lost - still grieving - a shadow of who I was.  I think part of that is all the guilt, blaming, projecting, gaslighting, that she is throwing at me - becuase I filed and didn't give her a chance when she was having her emotional affair.  I gave her months - until I found out she continued and lied, that's when I filed, I threw white flags all through the divorce, before I even founded out about her affair I asked for marriage counciling (she has refused everything).  My T says I struggle so much because I am such a good guy and this goes against everything I beleive in. Family, marriage, forgiveness, wanting to help those who are sick (mentally in her case). All of my core beleifs are shattered. :'(

[PDX40]

Cal,

my heart goes out to you, as I definitely can understand every point you have written.

My "story" is pretty much the same, except it was 18 years for me. It is amazing that your entire list could have been written by myself. I was also living my life for my family and wife and thought we had everything going for us. The perfect couple. Little did I know about the "timer" that was counting down from day one I met her. And then the bomb exploded.

Please know that there is probably nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. It's not your fault, not even your wife's.

It's a mental illness. We are all good people and care, that's why we're here.

We all will make it through this eventually and come out as stronger than ever on the other end.

[cult]

Cal, I am going through something very similar although my failed r/s was significantly shorter at 10 years, however the betrayal, the sense of disbelief and the loss of everything you (and I) thought was so secure is identical. I have my bad times and somewhat better times at the moment. My ex is still under my roof but the breakup is starting to get ugly and I am hoping to see very little, if any, of her until she leaves town for good in the middle of July. I notice that I feel best when I do not see or hear from her, even an email can set me off into a torrent of sobs. I am very glad she is leaving the state. Please continue to post, we are here for you.

[really]

Cal I have read quite a few of your posts.   I understand that feeling of losing belief in the things you believed to be real.    I don't know how to change those feelings because I still struggle with them but what I do know if that there are people or there who do still value the things you talk about being the things that should strengthen relationships.   My fear is that my ex broke me to the point where I cannot get that belief back.  From your posts you sound like a kind devoted and good person.  I know it's a tough road but I hope you can turn some of the love you gave her to yourself. 

[cal644]

I really wish I could. I wish I knew where to start. I really am lost as everything I knew everything I devoted my life to is shattered. My t has told me with all her issues and stuff from the past it's amazing we lasted this long and shows how good of a guy I am. That's what kills me, I always believed and have others tell me that most women would kill for a guy like me. But yet the only person I wanted in my life left me and her family for a texting friend.

[cult]

I really wish I could. I wish I knew where to start. I really am lost as everything I knew everything I devoted my life to is shattered. My t has told me with all her issues and stuff from the past it's amazing we lasted this long and shows how good of a guy I am. That's what kills me, I always believed and have others tell me that most women would kill for a guy like me. But yet the only person I wanted in my life left me and her family for a texting friend.

Cal, I so completely understand, and I am so with you on this. The only person I wanted in my life left me, too. I did everything I could, made her the center of my world, lived, breathed, did everything for her. I made mistakes but in the end, like your wife, my partner was harboring resentments for years. I never even knew about any of it until these resentments completely consumed her. And when they did, they destroyed the relationship completely.

What hurts the worst is that she completely abandoned me, she hasn't spent much time at home since April, she is acting as if I do not even exist. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. She is supposed to leave for good on July 15. Even with all of this, she still said the other day that "if we are meant to be together, we will find each other again." The sad part is that I would take her back in a second if she would only love me again the way she used to. It's so awful.

[danley]

I really wish I could. I wish I knew where to start. I really am lost as everything I knew everything I devoted my life to is shattered. My t has told me with all her issues and stuff from the past it's amazing we lasted this long and shows how good of a guy I am. That's what kills me, I always believed and have others tell me that most women would kill for a guy like me. But yet the only person I wanted in my life left me and her family for a texting friend.

Cal, I so completely understand, and I am so with you on this. The only person I wanted in my life left me, too. I did everything I could, made her the center of my world, lived, breathed, did everything for her. I made mistakes but in the end, like your wife, my partner was harboring resentments for years. I never even knew about any of it until these resentments completely consumed her. And when they did, they destroyed the relationship completely.

What hurts the worst is that she completely abandoned me, she hasn't spent much time at home since April, she is acting as if I do not even exist. This is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. She is supposed to leave for good on July 15. Even with all of this, she still said the other day that "if we are meant to be together, we will find each other again." The sad part is that I would take her back in a second if she would only love me again the way she used to. It's so awful.

Being treated like you don't exist is hard. I think many of us have been in this situation. It makes you feel like you were in a dream relationship.  

What hurt the most is similar to what you said... . abandoned and treated like nothing we shared was important and that after he decided to up and end things, I was treated like I had the plague. The Jekyll and Hyde post breakup that I endured for three months was hurtful too. Now in slow procession, my ex is acting like the man I fell for years ago. This is hurtful in a way because I'm so drained from all the drama he put me thru after breaking up and I can't even hardly bring myself to trust if it's real or not. I've just been reminding myself to be careful because for someone to abandon someone they love is just plain scary stuff!  And the painted black out of nowhere didnt help either. It was pure selfish survival on his part. Sometimes I wish that I could just as easily erase my memory like he did his and lose all feelings at the drop of a dime. But I'm not like that. And so here I go thru the grieving process like everyone else.

[Iforget]

Cal,

You sound just like my stbexh.  At least the face that the world saw.  The loving father, church goer, scout leader, doting husband.  Then the front door shut and he verbally abused my kids and me till all of our lives fell apart, after 18 years of marriage.  My udbh had a break down after losing his job and lost it, totally snapped.  It was like he didn't care what anyone saw anymore.  Not to hi-jack your thread.  I'm just saying, your not the only one who was blind-sided.  Not the only one who won't risk ever trusting another person with love again.  I thank God I have my kids.  They are all I need.

[cal644]

Thanks for everyone who posted I will never in a million years understand it and mental illness.  The being dropped on a dime, the inability to remember everything good, the hidden resentments for years that they harbored for years unknowingly, the twisted thinking in their minds and how they warp reality, the projections, the hate, everything.  One other thing that killed me is also the quote "If it's meant to be we will find each other again" the quote "now I'm with people who love me for me" - hello I have been with you during your suicidal times, I have loved you everyday of your life, I know your fears your worries, your past, your ocd traits, everything and I'm not the one who loves you - the person who knows nothing about you is the one who loves you   Also, the pure rejection of never even giving it a try through counciling.  The complaint "I don't know who I am, I need to find myself, I just want to be happy, I do love you but am not in love with you - I don't know how to love, and how can I love you if I don't love myself" - here you had a loving husband who would have stood by you, would have helped you on your journey.  All that she has taken - hurts - how can a person do this to another person? Mental illness is something that just doesn't make since - but I will tell you one thing - when I do hopefully get over this I will definatly look into a persons past and mental health - I can never go though this pain again in my life.

[schwing]

Hi Cal644,

Thanks for everyone who posted I will never in a million years understand it and mental illness.  The being dropped on a dime, the inability to remember everything good, the hidden resentments for years that they harbored for years unknowingly, the twisted thinking in their minds and how they warp reality, the projections, the hate, everything. 

Perhaps because you are an empathetic person, or for some other reasons, it is difficult for you to imagine that other people might think, feel and act differently from you.  I imagine part of the problem is that your ex did such a good job at mirroring you during the initial stage of your relationship, that you are having a hard time wrapping your head around the idea that she could behave the way she has... . because these are things that you would never, in a million years, do to another person.

One other thing that killed me is also the quote "If it's meant to be we will find each other again" the quote "now I'm with people who love me for me" - hello I have been with you during your suicidal times, I have loved you everyday of your life, I know your fears your worries, your past, your ocd traits, everything and I'm not the one who loves you - the person who knows nothing about you is the one who loves you   

Of course these quotes are very hurtful to you... . I would put it in the same ballpark as when a beloved loved one suffering from years of Alzheimer's turns to you and asks "who are you?"  Or when they might mistake you for someone else.  But whereas an Alzheimer's sufferer is obviously impaired, a person with BPD (pwBPD) looks and behaves completely normal in all other respects.

Also, the pure rejection of never even giving it a try through counciling. 

Denial is a very powerful force in human psychology.  Consider an addict who might intellectually accept that a drug recovery program might make the difference between life and death, but still chooses not to seek recovery.  PwBPD may choose not to seek professional help because they unconsciously realize that it may bring up issues/problems they wish not to face.

The complaint "I don't know who I am, I need to find myself, I just want to be happy, I do love you but am not in love with you - I don't know how to love, and how can I love you if I don't love myself"

This complaint is actually a rare incidence of personal insight.  She is right: she doesn't know who she is, and she does need to find herself.  She does want to be happy.  All of these are products of her disorder.  When she says she loves you but is not in love with you, she doesn't really understand how it is that her attachment to you has evaporated so suddenly.  The only way that she can rationalize it, is to believe she is not longer "in love."  What pwBPD don't realize is that the "in love" feeling is actually very short lived in non-disordered people.  Our attachments are not so short-live, nor so ephemeral.  But she doesn't want to accept that she is perhaps disordered.  She doesn't know how to love the way a non-disordered person does.  And she is right, if she cannot love herself, she cannot love you.

These are all good realizations.  But mean nothing if such realizations do not guide her actions.  I'm am pretty certain that her "solution" is to find someone else.  Someone else with him she will derive a different identity, who she will believe is the "real" her for some time.  ANd for a while she will be happy, but will not have done anything to materially affect her disorder.

here you had a loving husband who would have stood by you, would have helped you on your journey.  All that she has taken - hurts - how can a person do this to another person?

A fully realized person would not be able to do this without a great deal of regret, and perhaps guilt as well.  But a child, is only focused on their own needs.  And she has a child-mind.  She is more focused on what she needs because in her mind it is the difference between finding another "parent" and ceasing to exist (exactly as a child might when dealing with the possibility of abandonment).

Mental illness is something that just doesn't make since

Mental illness doesn't make sense, because it affects the part of body from when sense is derived.

- but I will tell you one thing - when I do hopefully get over this I will definatly look into a persons past and mental health - I can never go though this pain again in my life.

This is wise.

Best wishes, Schwing

[cal644]

Schwing - great great comments - Thanks!