When Will it Stop?

[Pretty Woman]

So my ex is now stalking me on FB. We are not FB friends, that ended after the 3rd time she dumped me, but she is constantly blocking and unblocking her profile to look at mine.

Now I know I shouldn't KNOW this (yeah I've been checking hers too) but she is un-diagnosed psBPD but she fits the criteria. She is currently in Minnesota trying to work things out with an ex from years ago. I guess that is what I am having a hard time dealing with. We split several times this year but now that this ex is single she ran off to her and they hooked up. Within a week of our final break she told me she was seeing someone and started calling her her "Girlfriend".

I was devastated.

I know I am co-dependent and working on this with my therapist (yea, therapy tonight-never thought I would cheer for this)! My therapist is convinced this new relationship will not pan out and my saga with my ex "isn't over".

I am still at the place where if she called me tomorrow I would probably speak to her. That's why in her absence I am really trying to get past this, get stronger, but it's only been a month.

Any tips/advice on getting through this?  I am a little OCD trying to make sense of everything and replaying moments in my head. It only depresses me. I am worried she is falling for the ex even though we clearly were not working.

Help!

[causticdork]

Things that helped me:

Write letters that you never intend to send where you tell her everything you know her disorder will never allow her to process or understand.  Don't send them (trust me on this, it's an exercise in futility), but keep them and read them when you're feeling weak.  When you come to major turning points, like when you're not angry anymore, write another letter.  Keeping track of your progress this way can be really therapeutic.

If you have the means, seek out a therapist.  Even if you're certain there's nothing "wrong" with you, sometimes outside help can be a huge benefit in breaking the addiction cycle.  And yes, the feeling that drives us back to our crazy exes is very much an addiction.

Make yourself a list of all the things she's done that aren't healthy in a relationship.  If you feel like calling her or reaching out, read the list.  Don't let yourself gloss over the bad parts.  It's okay to forgive her, but don't pretend she was a healthy partner.

Forgive yourself if you mess up.  It happens to the best of us.  It doesn't mean you're weak or stupid. It just means you're human, and humans do crazy things when they're in love.  It's part of the human condition.

[schwing]

Hi Earth Angel,

Any tips/advice on getting through this?  I am a little OCD trying to make sense of everything and replaying moments in my head. It only depresses me. I am worried she is falling for the ex even though we clearly were not working.

Help!

One course of action is to get involved with someone else.  This probably won't help with your dealing with codependency but it's a way to distract you from obsessing too much over your ex.  If you can date someone who will treat you well, or at least differently from your ex, it may help you realize if you have any unconscious tendencies towards being with someone who treats you poorly, or at least in the same fashion as your ex.

Another course of action, and this is the one I recommend (I actually tried both), is to choose not to date or to only date not seriously (if possible) while you work on your issues such as codependency (and so give up this "not working" relationship on your end).  In my case, I needed to figure why it was that I believed that I couldn't be happy without being in a relationship.  I found that the better I was able to treat myself as a single person, the more likely I was to be attracted to (and attract) other people who were not as emotionally complicated/unavailable/what-have-you.

It is possible that your OCD compulsion to "make sense of everything and replaying moments in [your] head" is perhaps an avoidance behavior: (1) to avoid the actual pain that you are experiencing (2) to avoid accepting that the relationship is over, or that you should choose for it to be over.  One way to look at it is that the more time you spend trying to be in her head, means you are less available to be in your own.

Don't worry about what she is doing or not doing.  Be determined that even though you don't completely understand why yet, being with her is not good for you.  Spend more time helping yourself accept and recover from your pain, and eventually helping yourself become a happier person.

Best wishes, Schwing

[causticdork]

I'd like to amend my list to add:

Listen to schwing!  Seriously, he has given so much amazing advice in the past few months.  Dude knows what's up. 

[Pretty Woman]

Schwing, you actually touched on something my therapist told me recently (btw... . I don't actually have OCD... . my therapist joked that in this situation it seems like I do).

I tend to replay our relationship looking for answers. It is hard for me to grieve it when everytime she has come back. I came across some emails I had forgotten and it makes complete sense. Her impulsiveness, dumping me for no real reason and then pleading me to come back (no apologies). I am working on this. I am just worried she will come back and I won't be strong enough to handle this. Her new love lives two states away. She dropped all our meetup groups because I run them or am an active participant.

I am just waiting for the day she shows up because I am finally not chasing her. It really does make me nervous.

[schwing]

I tend to replay our relationship looking for answers. It is hard for me to grieve it when everytime she has come back.

I wonder if it is the anticipation that she will come back that makes it difficult to fully come to terms with the grief; it's like you go through the bargaining process and then suddenly she comes back and you never have the chance to get to acceptance.

I am just worried she will come back and I won't be strong enough to handle this. Her new love lives two states away. She dropped all our meetup groups because I run them or am an active participant.

If you aren't sure you will strong enough to handle this, then get help.  Treat it like a withdrawal process, except that your drug of choice has legs and can show up unexpectedly.  One strategy is to rehearse in your mind a plan for when she does show up when you don't expect.  A reasonable course of action is to make yourself suddenly unavailable.  It doesn't matter that it might hurt her feelings, you are trying to protect your own.

If you have the confidence to share your difficult with people who are locally available to you, I would plan for a "safe house" so you can run to somewhere where she cannot chase you down.

I am just waiting for the day she shows up because I am finally not chasing her. It really does make me nervous.

It's ok to be nervous.  Just have a plan of action.

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Schwing.

  I believe you are right.  I have taken some steps to ensure my overall safety. People closest to me now know what really happened. I told them for support in times of weakness (my support). I also had my locks changed. I felt this was critical.

Do I think she will just show up where I live? No. But I want to be sure I have everything on lock down.

[mango_flower]

You sound just like me! (Same sex relationship too).

I also replay things in my head, looking for clues, answers, little pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that will make this all make sense!

Just to let you know, it's been 8 months for me and I'm still really sad about it all and still have bad days, but I promise it does get better than it was.  I don't know how I made it through... . but I did and I sometimes see that light at the end of the tunnel!  You'll be ok, I promise x

P.S Caustic has some good suggestions, and YES, listen to Schwing - he posts the most amazingly insightful stuff!

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Schwing.

   I believe you are right.  I have taken some steps to ensure my overall safety. People closest to me now know what really happened. I told them for support in times of weakness (my support). I also had my locks changed. I felt this was critical.

Do I think she will just show up where I live? No. But I want to be sure I have everything on lock down.

So my ex is now stalking me on FB. We are not FB friends, that ended after the 3rd time she dumped me, but she is constantly blocking and unblocking her profile to look at mine.

Now I know I shouldn't KNOW this (yeah I've been checking hers too) but she is un-diagnosed psBPD but she fits the criteria. She is currently in Minnesota trying to work things out with an ex from years ago. I guess that is what I am having a hard time dealing with. We split several times this year but now that this ex is single she ran off to her and they hooked up. Within a week of our final break she told me she was seeing someone and started calling her her "Girlfriend".

I was devastated.

I know I am co-dependent and working on this with my therapist (yea, therapy tonight-never thought I would cheer for this)! My therapist is convinced this new relationship will not pan out and my saga with my ex "isn't over".

I am still at the place where if she called me tomorrow I would probably speak to her. That's why in her absence I am really trying to get past this, get stronger, but it's only been a month.

Any tips/advice on getting through this?  I am a little OCD trying to make sense of everything and replaying moments in my head. It only depresses me. I am worried she is falling for the ex even though we clearly were not working.

Help!

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Schwing.

   I believe you are right.  I have taken some steps to ensure my overall safety. People closest to me now know what really happened. I told them for support in times of weakness (my support). I also had my locks changed. I felt this was critical.

Do I think she will just show up where I live? No. But I want to be sure I have everything on lock down.

[Lucky Jim]

Be determined that even though you don't completely understand why yet, being with her is not good for you.

Well said, Schwing.  A scientist friend once expressed his view that my BPDexW and I were like two chemicals that, when combined, become volatile.  His analogy helped me to understand that, as you note, "being with her is not good for me."

Thanks to all,

LuckyJim

[flynavy]

earthangel... . always keep in mind that this disorder creates master deceivers, manipulators, liars.  They have utilized all of their tools to mirror your desires... . for me and from what I have seen on this site and all of my research, they utilize there intense sexual relationship (for me almost pornographic) to keep you under their control and program you into believing this is love.  It is much like an addict who knows it is destructive yet has to continue!  

I was emotionally, physically abused by this woman... . Hit, spit at, had a knife pulled out in my kitchen, had her disgruntled long term boyfriend at my house at 12:30 AM while we were in the throws of this sexual addiction and still came back for more.  It took me a long time to detach even after all of this!  It wasn't till I looked deep inside myself, got to know who I was that I was able to begin to see her for what she really is!

Even to this day, 1 year later, if I see a black honda coup, I do a double take to see if its her.  The longer you were with your ex, coupled with the intensity of the sex, will determine just how deep you were programmed/conditioned to continue to respond to various triggers or the incessant rumination.  It does get better with time as long as you stay strong... . NC... . get rid of other triggers that keep you in the rumination phase.  You really have to find something you can get really passionate about to re-wire pathways programmed by your ex.

Hang in there... . this is one of the toughest things I have ever done because there is no rational reason for the prolonged attachment... . even after emotional and physical abuse!

[willtimeheal]

Lots of good posts and advice. You do need a plan of action because she will be coming back. I always took mine back until I reached a breaking point. Try to stay busy. I got involved with projects and spent time with friends. My friends were a huge support for me. Also whenever she popped into my mind I would have a code word I would tell myself as a distraction. Read the book co dependency no more. That helped me a lot. My ex BPD still comes in and out of my life and  I love her dearly but I also know now that she is toxic to me and if I am ever goin  to be happy then I have to let her go. She has hurt me so many times. She has lied stripped me of my self esteem and cheated but in her eyes she was an angel and it why she did what she did was because of my actions... . basically it was  my fault. I made her do it. My partner and I were together for four years. It took me three and a half to really see what was happening and reach my breaking point. Be patient trust yourself forgive yourself and ink  That u r doin  the best that you can. It does get easier but it does take time. Hang in there.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks for all the great suggestions. I really appreciate the feedback. Shwing, I actually have been seeing someone who I ironically met the day after my breakup. I just am not ready yet, and neither is she (her ex is still in the picture) but we have been a good sounding board for each other. She told me yesterday this is the best I've sounded since she's met me. I am starting to feel better... . finally.  It is amazing I have been mourning for a month, while someone who said they loved me is off with their new girlfriend in a cabin somewhere on vacation.

What is wrong with this picture? 

I made plans to get away for the fourth and am keeping busy with a clogged kitchen sink... .

hey it's keeping me busy

[willtimeheal]

The hardest part will be once you start to feel good and are starting to live again... . you'll hear from her.  That is what happens to me. My exgf wanted to build this whole life with me and then ran off with a guy no less. But would still text me and say she loves me and wants me. When I said ok she would draw me back in close and then wham. I would be right back where I started. So be careful and be prepared for when she does contact you. That is what I struggle with. I am happy and start to live my life but I fear that text message... . what will I do. What will I say. Will I go back. That's the hardest part and its scary. Hang in there

[Pretty Woman]

Willtimeheal,

  Thank you.  You know, out of desperation I consulted several "psychics". Not sure if I believe or not but desperation makes you do crazy things.

All of them said she would be back but I would not want her.

God, I hope that is the case. .  I was so beat down.  It really helps I am in therapy. This was my first lesbian relationship and first relationship in seven years. Seven years! Last time I had dated was in my late 20's and my relationships were usually 3-6mo. I am a total late bloomer. So imagine this person catching my attention and wow! She knew this was a "process" for me and I got kicked to the curb while dealing with my identity. Double whammy. This is not easy but what makes me realize I am "not crazy" is that I am rational. Being rational I can reason with myself that I did not deserve this. In fact my therapist said, "I am really sorry you had to go through this for your first time in this type of relationship. It is not normally like this".

I know when she comes around it will be to "friend" me and I am not going to be in the position her ex is in. A few months ago she called the ex before me and asked her to help build a gazebo for one of our friends.  It really is WHEN she needs someone and about her needs.

A part of me struggles with is this really a pwBPD or was I just too immature for a relationship (like she would accuse me). I know in a "normal" relationship she would have stayed if she truly loved me and we would have worked on things together.

Another thing... . anytime I think she may not be a pwBPD I recall these things:

-She lost her job in 2009 and gambled away her savings---racked up $12K, $7k and $9k in credit card debt on top of it.

-When she breaks up with someone she often impulsively moves to a new state.

-Has a history of breaking up with an ex and stealing an old ex back from someone only to go back to the previous ex and cheat again (the ex she cheated on twice with---10yrs ago is back with her now. Have fun with that, Lady!

-Has had a "seedy" relationship past. Met her current love (former ex) in a whips and chains BDM club.

-Had a relationship with a married woman and then when that didn't work she shacked up with her husband.

-Had a baby out of wedlock. Tricked the father to sign adoption forms saying she would stay with him (he was married and left his wife for her) and then she put the baby up for adoption and left him.

-Married a man who she met while pregnant (not same as the man above) and aborted their baby after an argument (he almost comitted suicide and she told me she found him immature and selfish to even attempt that).

-Has a weird jagged scar on her arm that she told me was from welding (I believe it was from cutting).

-Would start an argument with me before an event that was important to me and would end up not going or breaking up with me (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween party).

-Would break up with me saying she was "done" and never wanted to be with me only to call me days later (or email) not apologizing but begging to see me with the excuse her mind was "all over the place".

-Blamed her actions on having ADHD. Then, in her last rage told me that she had "frontal lobe problems" and I was driving her mad.

-Used lots of psych terms on me I believe people had said to her: Said I "pushed and pulled her" was manipulative with "knee jerk reactions".

If you knew me personally my life pales in comparison to her history and normally I wouldn't even be remotely attracted to someone like this but as we got closer I felt really bad for her.

Yeah my good heart. . When I read what I write (as above) I see she thrives on chaos, not to mention her father was verbally and physically abusive to her, her mom and siblings AND he is currently estranged from her and one of her sisters. She also told me growing up her parents paid no attention to her and she would have to ask them for money because there was no food to make lunches.

Everything makes sense. I think I wanted to "save" her.

[willtimeheal]

Earth Angel,

Sounds like we were in similar situations.  This was my first lesbian relationship.  She came on to me like nothing I have ever experienced.  It didn't hurt that she looked like she belonged on a magazine cover-she was drop dead gorgeous.  I couldn't believe that she wanted me and we just connected so we started dating.  She was always the rebel growing up and pushed against the norms.  She came from an abusive alcoholic family.  I came from a loving church going family.  I didn't want to disappoint my family so I didn't tell them we were a couple and this became a huge issue. She always said we fell apart because I kept her a secret.  Part of that is true but part is I didn't say anything because she kept hurting me over and over and I wasn't sure we would end up together so why open that can of worms.  For 4 years she took off on me every summer and I didn't hear boo from her.  Last summer I started therapy and I started to get healthy.  I sarted to realize that I couldn't save her and I needed to start taking care of myself and I did.  This scared her and she once again started to pull away from me.  The healthier I got the more scared she got.  I started to realize I wasn't crazy and started to see her actions and recall these things... .

*3 kids... . 3 different dads

*2 terminated pregnacies

*said she was divorced but is really only separated

*Always begged me not to leave her-always said I was to good for her

*came from an abusive family-emotionally and probably physcially abused as a child

*She was emotionally and verbally absive to me-took my self esteem before I knew what happened

*Brings me in close and then pushes me away

*puts me in constant lose lose situations

*never takes responsiblity for anything-always my fault.  It was my fault she shacked up with her new boyfriend. 

*she is an alcoholic

*father in jail for drugs

*Isolated me from family and friends

*When I offered her everything she wanted (telling my family) she found something else to blame me for-now it is my friends she doesn't like.

I wanted to save her too but she has to save herself.  Doesn't make it any easier or less painful to deal with and get through for us. And it scares me getting that text.  Counseling has been a savior for me and these boards have helped a ton.  But it is a struggle everyday.

[Pretty Woman]

Willtimeheal,

  I am sorry our situations are so similar.  It is doubly hard when you are in your 1st relationship and this is the one you are going to compare things to unfortunately!

It will help dating again. I just had a girl call me "hot". It was a nice self esteem boost. My ex beat me down so much I lost my self esteem. We had a very sexual relationship but it quickly died she was so verbally hostile.

I too was afraid to say anything to my family, mostly out of fear she would leave and I wasn't sure I could do this to my good "Catholic" family and then she leaves me... .

lucky me I only told half but I lost my best friend of 25 years over this. What sucked is my ex couldn't understand why I was so upset by that.

In the end she dumped me because I cancelled dinner because I found out why exactly my friend did not want to stay friends with me.

So I lost a long term and a short term relationship all in one day.

Willtimeheal, has your ex bothered you since the breakup? Mine is blocking and unblocking my Facebook all the time. I shouldn't be checking but I am noticing this as she is off in Minnesota at her lovers cabin with the old ex/new girlfriend.

[willtimeheal]

Hey earth angel,

I have been dating again.  It helps.  I have met some great guys that have treated me well and I realize that this is how I deserve to be treated. 

I struggled with telling my "Catholic" family as well when I was with my BPD.  Part of the struggle was that we were both female but also she was a raging alcoholic as well.  I told my friends and some of my family and they were very supportive. All they want is for me to be happy.  When I agreed to tell my whole family and when I did that it totally overwhelmed her and she ran.  She had nothing to hold over my head anymore.  So now it is my one friend.  As long as I am friends with her she won't be with me.  I do realize now that there will always be an excuse as to why she can't be with me.  It is her fear not mine. 

Mine broke up with me and texts me still.  She has a new guy  living with her and she still texts me.  The length of time between texts varies, sometimes 2 days sometimes 2 weeks.  It is summer now and she is busy with her kids so it will get longer.  If she is done then I just want her to let me go so I can heal and move on.  Everytime she texts it hurts.  And I miss the kids-they aren't mine but I love them just the same.  But I am out and dating and staying busy.  I have good days and bad days.  Today was just a bad one.