unsure

[dickL]

happy 4th BPD fam , i've posted background before and due to being married 35yrs story is too long. love some feedback . uBPDw left again , same bf he's also married . she moved 1000mi from our home and told a bff (chosen enabler ) she'd never live under the same roof w/me(infidelity is my fault) and come home when i'm gone to care for our S25 .ok, that's not under my control . came here , kept seeing T, read some authors found here and i have started to heal and understand how ill she is . nc from her for 3mos . i texted her about financial matters that directly affect only her. 3 lawyers recommended i stand pat , living in our home and no drain from my finances. big problem orbits around S25 , he's mentally handicapped and can't live independentally at this time ( his T agrees ). he's a  17yr bone marrow transplant survivor and although cured has a host of medical and neurological problems. i was fine w/no more texts from me , her refusal to respond made it silly to continue and it was less a pull for me. i have stage 4 cirrhosis , i still am functional ( housekeeping,cooking,groceries etc ) and will need to become sicker then go on transplant list.my clock is ticking faster and faster. she texted me happy 64th tues , wasn't totally shocked . i e-mailed her S25 was having kidney trouble and was seeing dr at childrens . i forwarded e-mail from hospital and texted her to check her mail on 6/27. on tues 7/2 she responded she doesn't check e-mail she read it and boom went into concerned mom mode making sure it was handeled well. i told her i'd been working on me and reading about dbt . boom ,she was full of questions about books i'd read and dbt. went on for couple of hours , then i asked how she was and her tone changed to one word ansewers . should i just tell her that she's unable to care for her son and further contact is useless. i have told her leaving me is her rightful choice , but start a new life wher you're not so far away from your son. i couldn't look myself in the mirror know i had abandoned my needy son.my illness gives me a sense of urgency concerning my son's future

[simplyasiam]

hello sorry to read your dealing with this.

dont really know what to say other than i pray for you. after reading your post i feel like a fool for thinking i had trouble in my life. i do wish i could be some help to you.

[dickL]

simplyasiam, still not hard to see others who have it worse . i've learned alot here and from my son's cancer . when i've posted, is this story overwhelming? i get few responses . i'm separating my emotions and learning not to hang my happiness on anyone else , it's my life and my job. my son and i are lucky to still be alive . life can deal some bad hands but you play em the best you can. my illness is my own fault , i was a cocaine addict 40yrs ago. well we're cool and hug each other alot and cry when we behave like jackasses. spiritualism is a good thing to heal . i did finally talk to my w's bf's wife last nite , we knew each other the last time our spouses did this 3 yrs ago but lost contact. sadly once again her BPD has led her into bad situation. they have no $ , no health coverage,live in a bad part of the city they're in . he's a user of women and not a caretaker , known him long time . so she'll likely return back here , 1000mi. and all i can do is set a boundary of needed professional help for her . she's been ill since she was molested at 4. she's a beautiful,smart,brassy,talented,red headed, and i do love her she's sick not evil . best case scenario is a lot of work and tough times ahead but if we make it , it will be a new start built on ashes . our 37yrs didn't work . not repair but complete overhaul. thanks talking here helps.

[GreenMango]

I would be worried about my son too.  It sounds like you need a plan and some support.

First thing you know from history relying on your wife is unpredictable at best.  Don't count on her to be a stable participant.  It sucks she's the mom but she doesn't have the capacity Dickl.

Getting a functional plan regarding your son will help here.  It will give you a sense of control and empower you to move forward a bit.  Talk to social services it may be he qualifies for adult support services.

Concentrate on those things you can effect change in.  Do what you need to do for you and your son first.  A therapist to support you could Lao help you sound like you are going through a lot.   

[dickL]

greenmango, i contacted county mrdd people several weeks ago for support . they have not come up with case worker yet. my health issues ( which i own ) are the wild card for me . i often feel like i have the flu for days ( hep c ) and during theser periods i'm not at death's door but it amplifies my fears and concerns . uBPDw can't help a soul till she starts fixing herself ! i try to employ set and other tools for my anger and my son's , living pissed off is no life .

[GreenMango]

Acceptance is hard.  Of course you want more for your son and yourself.  Anger and hurt seems natural.  It's how you cope with it.

Good to hear you've reached out its the first step.  Keep on SS they are overworked and understaffed but the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Your wife may come around she may not - it doesn't sound like you can wait for her to get her head screwed on straight.  Despite the illnesses you are dealing with it does sound like your priorities with your son are in the right place.

Have you read the choosing a path lessons and some of the workshops?  What kind of emotional support do you have?

[dickL]

greenmango, yes , i've been in T for last year and son has seen T for years . there's no support from family , most are dead . older brother is career , very wealthy , drug dealer. i have close friends who do lend moral support . we're not young anymore and everyone has problems . i've used info here and found books recommended , alan fruzzeti and david burns .  they were very helpful and i'd appreciate any suggestions for reading . i watched a couple videos on this site. what workshops do you recommend. in posting here i'm in l2 but l3 may be close , time will tell . and knowledge is a poweful tool! it is devastating to see a perfectly healthy bright 7yr old S almost die , be " cured " , and left with a very difficult life filled with medical needs. w was the bone marrow donor and her caregiving was stupendous , saved him fron death that was a daily part of our life then . it's like being in combat except the daily casualty list was all children. ptsd is a realistic after effect that struck w hard . acceptance is hard , not impossilble . w coming along around is her is hers , not my call , regardless of my feelings one way or the other she owns half this home and can't be denied entry . i'm trying to reduce anger that my S still has, he can get violent . teaching him SET , we need to be mentally stong for either scenario that unfolds , her return or the opposite. i don't want him to verbally assault  his mom on her possible return or worse . he's had temper issues , better but not gone. it's called late effects of long term survivors, not uncommon. lot's of eggshells from both of them for me .  i like being alive and work to enjoy the life i have and accept there's a greater power runs the show .

[GreenMango]

You may benefit from posting on the parenting board a bit too.  You can post both and there.

It may help to have some other parents that really know where you are coming from on that part. 

Developing a strong support network is one of the best things to do for yourself.