uBPD mom sometimes treats me like her husband

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was raised by an uBPD single mom and she sometimes says things that are really disturbing when you think about them. A few months ago we were talking about my sisters and my mother looked at me and said that they are our children too. I did not respond or show any emotion and my mother then said with a strange smile on her face 'Oh, I thought you were gonna say something'. I was already leaving and really didn't feel like having this crazy discussion with her. She feeds off other people's emotions and that's why I  didn't give her any. But in my mind I was like what the ___ did you just say, I'm your son and you're talking about that we have children together? Remarks like this really disgust me, she says them very casually like it's nothing but it's really not ok because she's basically implying incestuous relations. Have any of you had similar experiences?

[Kwamina]

I was raised by an uBPD single mom and she sometimes says things that are really disturbing when you think about them. A few months ago we were talking about my sisters and my mother looked at me and said that they are our children too. I did not respond or show any emotion and my mother then said with a strange smile on her face 'Oh, I thought you were gonna say something'. I was already leaving and really didn't feel like having this crazy discussion with her. She feeds off other people's emotions and that's why I  didn't give her any. But in my mind I was like what the ___ did you just say, I'm your son and you're talking about that we have children together? Remarks like this really disgust me, she says them very casually like it's nothing but it's really not ok because she's basically implying incestuous relations. Have any of you had similar experiences?

[Islandgrl]

Hey kwamina

My mother was inappropriate with my brother when we were growing up -she would lie on top of him in bed talking intimately and kissing his face.  I don't think it went as far as any sexual touching but I've heard others here call it emotional incest, I think it is a common thing for BPDs.  My mother also does the thing where she gets inside your head - she knows just want to say to get to me.  I think it's a lack of boundaries too which is a major sign of BPD - makes being the child of a BPD mother very uncomfortable.  From my experience they like to say anything shocking to get attention.

I'm still learning about a lot of this but it sounds like there are definitely others here who can relate to your experience.  Her behaviour is creepy and pretty disgusting!

[ForeverDad]

Probably some parentification there too.

Much of this, by itself or just minor isolated incidents, wouldn't raise red flags, but when it's a pervasive and invasive mindset, perception or worldview, it really is concerning and shouldn't be brushed aside or minimized.

[zone out]

Hi Kwamina

I can see how this makes you feel uneasy.   But it could be related to that enmeshing/clingy behaviour they often exhibit.  My mother hardly ever uses the term I or mine - its always we or ours.  Almost as if she and I are connected in everything we do.  NOT SO and I don't share her opinions, no matter how much she likes to believe I do.  She even made a reference to a previous home of mine - 'When WE used to live there ... . '  She never lived there, except in my head!  I thought at the time it was a strange thing to say.

Zone out

[Islandgrl]

Actually zone out I think you've hit the nail on the head there.  My mother also never uses I and always uses we when stating opinions or feeling. My sister is totally enmeshed and so my mom will even seek (and get) confirmation from her that that's what "we" think.  I think it is a sort of forced teaming.  There was def sexual undertones to my mothers behaviour with my brother but I suppose it's an extension of this behaviour.  Maybe it's the same with your mom kwamina.

[Kwamina]

Hi Islandgrl, ForeverDad and zone out,

Thanks for your comments! My mom also often uses 'we' instead of 'I', many times she isn't even really aware of it because in her mind I basically don't exist as an individual. The incident I described was different though, she chose her words very carefully and wanted to get a specific reaction from me.

Another incident that comes to mind is when I was 15/16 and wanted to go somewhere, she tried to prevent me from leaving but when she saw I was leaving anyway she pretended to be sick. When that didn't work she accused me of not loving her and loving my friends more than I love her. An outrageous accusation of course but it was also the way she said it that bothered me, it didn't sound like she was talking about her son but more like it was about a husband not spending time with his wife. There were more extreme incidents too, all related to a total disrespect of boundaries and privacy on her part.

Parentifaction is also definitely an issue, she has often tried to push me into the role of caretaker/parent so I could fix her problems and she could just sit back. She tries to extend this to my sisters too, especially the oldest one who in my mother's mind is the all-good child but in reality is uBPD just like my mom. My mom acts as if my uBPD sis needs to be saved because she is a 'victim' but it's actually the other way around, people need to be saved from my sister.

[rise_up]

Kwamina,

my uBPD mom has displayed forms of enmeshment that have been enabled by my brother, his wife and my dad. probably not to the extent as yours, but my reaction was that of disgust too.

my therapist recommended i read the book "Silently Seduced". it really opened my eyes to some things that i experienced growing up. were you the favored child? doted on and given 'special' privileges? that was my experience... . it wasnt for my need, it was self-serving for my mother's needs. that created a pattern throughout my life where i havent been able to express my own needs or know who my 'true self' is.

the book is about parents who make their children surrogate partners.

[Calsun]

Dear Kwamina,

I really can relate your post and the other posts.  My guess is that many BPD's have been sexually abused, and they never develop healthy relationships around sexuality.  And their harmful attitudes about sexuality and romantic relationships are visited upon the children.

I felt deep down growing up  that I was supposed to be like a surrogate spouse to my uBPD mother.  Her relationship with my father was horrible, my father was portrayed as being abusive, not a real man, and unloving to her.  He was portrayed as being devoted to his mother at the expense of being devoted to his wife.  And the message was that her sons would be payback for that. 

My mother would degrade sexuality and would degrade me.  When I was an adolescent, she would say things like go out and find a tramp and get married.  She would say things like:  no nice woman would want you. When I would object to her abuse of me, she would say things like:  You don't think a wife is going to beat the s**t out of you, too. She devalued me. The message was that she wanted me to never leave her and to feel as though anyone who would want me was of little value and was dirty in some ways.  So, rather than having a healthy mother who could mirror back to me my value and the capacity for a healthy and loving relationship with a wonderful woman, by degrading "other" women, she would make me fearful to ever leave her. It was also her understanding that sexuality was something sordid and dirty. So, where and how did she develop that understanding of sexuality?   I ended up feeling that what were natural feelings were dirty and sordid.  And I always yearned for just a loving relationship with a woman when I was taught to only expect abuse and something dirty and vile.

So, I never had confidence that a woman in my life could be a truly wonderful person or that a wonderful, smart, loving, kind woman would ever want me.  I always felt that someone stable, and confident and great would reject me. So, I lowered my expectations and shied away from women who seemed "out of my league." That is changing for me, and I am feeling that I can choose, that I am not this passive person who has to allow someone to just choose me.  And that I can be free to leave the psychological state of feeling "wed" to my mother and my mother's needs. (The "mama's boy" is lampooned, but it is the effect of abuse.)  And that I can believe in allowing myself to be with a woman who will be loving and treat me with respect, which my mother conditioned me to feel was impossible.

Just a few thoughts on what is one of the most difficult and "secret" aspects of healing from the effects of a BPD mother.

Calsun

[Kwamina]

@rise_up

That sounds like a very interesting book, thanks for recommending it! I wasn't the favored child but I was by far the youngest. I was 10/11 when all my siblings had moved out and basically just left me with a crazy mother. First she would 'split' my sisters but now that they had left, she started splitting me. Sometimes I was all-good in her mind and at other times all-bad, this could change from one moment to the next without me doing anything. Emotional incest is a difficult subject, this book sounds very helpful so I'll definitely look it up.

@calsun

Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts! We unfortunately have experienced many of the same crazy behaviors. What helped you break out of that mindset and the way you were conditioned by your mother? For me things only really started changing since the moment I moved out. Before that there was always chaos and negativity and I never had any time to think or reflect, all my energy was focused on defending myself and trying not to lose my mind.