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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Is this progress?  (Read 501 times)
delusionalxox
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 352



« on: July 07, 2013, 01:42:01 PM »

Well my story of mundane horror and emotional trauma is all over the boards, I won't trouble you all with it again  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It has been 8 weeks since I last saw BPD/NPD exploitative, controlling, demanding ex (and was left pregnant by him ).  We were 'friends' (with sex ) and living long distance following him dumping me in January after I refused to allow him to 'help' choose the house my kids and I were going to live in in UK... .

In the loony tradition of BPD relationships we did a sort of recycle and had a wonderful holiday in Italy where he lives and then an awful stay at my place, his final attempt at a true recycle I think, where I would 'look after' him... . He wrote to me after that promising eternal friendship and to make 'us' his priority in whatever form that would take... . expressing sympathy for my depression and stressful life, and leaving a note saying 'call me anytime  '/ (This turned out not to be true at all as he didn't seem to want to hear from me once he got home  Smiling (click to insert in post))

A month and 1 day (!) since he wrote to me telling me that he would never respond again to anything I wrote and wishing me 'serenity in your life without me; even in the last moment of life it is possible to change' (a reference to my suicidal feelings!) (Typical, high moral tone and posturing from him  ).


From then, June 6 to June 17, the day I had to have a medical abortion, I bombarded him with angry, despairing, sometimes suicidal and always miserable texts. I was enraged, confused and infuriated that he would mess with my head so transparently and just dump me here. When I told him I was pregnant I got no response at all. One June 17 I texted him 'tell me why you lied to me about friendship and have cut me off while pg and I will stop texting you' (I felt utterly out of control, crazy, lying on my sofa bleeding for 6 hours alone, with him not even having acknowledged the pregnancy at all). I received this reply, and nothing else since:

'The explanation is in the 50 and more texts and emails full of horribleness you sent me, since I told you I was going to stop replying for good reasons (which I already explained). ---, you have deeply damaged me. And now, you are not only tormenting me but you keep damaging me and I have tons of problems already. I am not saying this lightly in any way: my dreams and days are constantly devastated by the uncountable horrible things you said and did to me. That you acknowledge it or not, it does not change what has been for real (and neither erases the good things between us). Now, please keep your promise and stop it.'

I came to this board feeling like the BPD myself (and saying so, asking whether i was). I felt so utterly desperate, and had been accused of 'hating', being a 'psycho' and ultimately too unbearable to be friends with etc.

Following this I couldn't stop emailing and texting ex but I guess my tone and mood changed to 'bargaining'  I apologised for all the things I had done wrong, which even now I don't think held a candle to what he did over 3 years of hell, but I am bad tempered etc and have a stressful life which makes me grumpy. I had forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I wanted his forgiveness.

I will not get it.

Finally on 2 July I wrote to him having discussed the situation with many people on here and elsewhere- and with many friends who knew my awful history with him and saw me deteriorate for 3 years. I told him that I felt with good reason that he had fallen below some very basic standard of decency in failing to acknowledge the pregnancy and that I would not be able to forget this althoughI was trying to forgive. I said that I was sorry he felt damaged and for the things I had done wrong but that that did not absolve him from responsibility, just because I took mine. I told him of my sorrow and how the world seemed to have gone grey/black, a nuclear winter had set in all over me in the midst of summer. How stunned I was, at how he abruptly turned on me, how he lied to me about 'being there'.

No response, although I know it was read (receipt on FB)... .

now the better part. I have managed 6 days complete NC! woohoo. But I am doing stupid sick things like constantly googling him to see if his youtube, public fb posts (the only ones I can see) and anything else has changed   obsessively googling his friends I know of and the girl he was with when we split last year (who was smitten with him, and will be recycled). I checked everything I could, not much info, built myself into paranoid angry fantasies of the fun he is having without me. Then vengeful ones about the 'damage' he says that he is suffering.

I feel completely crazy still but not crying so much. No crying today at all actually!  Smiling (click to insert in post) No concentration. No work (this will be awful down the line, but work know I am in crisis).

Went on a nice date and to a party, when they played my favourite teenage song I nearly cried imagining dancing to it with him. The wanker who left me pregnant and alone. Why?

The weather is hot here which reminds me of him and I missed two trains yesterday, almost dissociating, with the strongest most painful memories of meeting him at train stations in Italy in the heat. I could almost see him with his rucksack at the end of the platform.

My friends know it all and even said that they think he is 'evil'! (There is a whole backlog of weird, nasty and intrusive behaviour; this was the first time he suckered me in with 'friendship', which is a real trigger for me as I believe in it so strongly and want to offer it to anyone I have cared about).

He had been telling me I was old and losing my looks, which has been 'unconfirmed' by lots of people paying me compliments this weekend. Sorry if this sounds vain- I am aging a bit and insecure about my looks- I think he played on this, and it is interesting to see that others disagree spontaneously. He was devaluing me.  :'(

I don't miss the drama. I don't miss him taking from me and paying for everything-literally everything, even his toothpaste- while he 'invested' in crap like miniature travel guitars (?) for his mythical trip to Asia to find a job (hmm... . ) at a cost of E800. I don't miss his boring, narcissistic monologues and moral lectures  Smiling (click to insert in post) or his leaping down my throat when I said the wrong thing, or disagreed with him, or made a joke he didn't get.  The sneering at me when I was depressed and tearful. the accusations of cheating and 'planning orgies'... . I miss the sex, the passion and the open, childlike way he would look at me. The fun we used to have at times. My fantasies of a future for us where he would finally grow up, and it would all be alright.

I dunno. I still feel crazy. Does any of this sound like progress?
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delusionalxox
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 352



« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2013, 02:11:14 PM »

Arghhh. God.

I am desperate to call him, say sorry, find forgiveness. I just keep fantasising about it, hearing his voice cheerful and saying it's ok, we can be friends.

What the hell is wrong with me and when will this end... . :'(
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danley
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2013, 02:58:15 PM »

So Sorry you're going thru all these traumatization.

I think the bargaining is normal but it doesn't help much. I believe it's a natural reaction as you still have feelings for him and you are in a whirlwind of confusion as to his behavior. I think most of us here have been in a similar situation. Although my story isn't the same as yours, I will say that the feelings I felt were painful and confusing too. I was in such a shock and demoted state after my ex suddenly changed overnight. At one point I was in bargaining mode but it made me feel so low and worthless. I kept asking and wondering WHY he suddenly had great animosity towards me and our relationship. It just didn't make sense and his behavior was off the charts cruel suddenly. But the moment my ex said these words to me, I literally took two steps back from him and a light bulb went off inside of me. The words he said was, "You just want me to be happy because YOU want to be happy with ME!". I felt so disgusted and hurt because after 3 years, THIS is what he believed? That my acts of love and respect were self serving? I walked away and something stirred inside of me that alarmed he was not emotionally there at THAT very moment. It was like for some reason he suddenly felt like I was using him? Which was weird because I felt it would be the opposite.  I made sure he k were he was loved and respected. I supported him and never put him down. I was encouraging, patient, and forgiving.  He for the most part was the same way but somewhere after his life stresses got to him I suddenly became the devil.

I still hear his words echo in my head. I know at the moment he may have been speaking out of anger and unhappiness with himself but it still echos in my head. Even tho he is trying supremely to make up for his cowardly and cruel knee jerk words and reactions right now, the words and fury of his distorted thinking and behavior towards me still scare me. If he can crack under the pressure of his fears, guilt, and shame within himself... . who's to say he can't or won't do it again?

Be safe and keep your distance for now. He seems to be in a state where nothing you say or dowill be productive for you.
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Octoberfest
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Posts: 717


« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2013, 03:04:22 PM »

Arghhh. God.

I am desperate to call him, say sorry, find forgiveness. I just keep fantasising about it, hearing his voice cheerful and saying it's ok, we can be friends.

What the hell is wrong with me and when will this end... . :'(

Your vision of your BPDex and reality differ.  Your mind is literally working against you.

We WANT all of those warm things that our BPDex's represented.  Love, being wanted, being able to laugh, feeling like nothing else in the world mattered when you were with them... . THAT is the part that we see and remember in our minds when we think of them.  We repress the abuse, the lies, the cheating, etc, because it clashes with what we WANT them to be.  

You said it right... . you are FANTASIZING about reconciliation, about it all being better, because it isn't real and it can't be real.  He WILL NEVER wake up one day and be the man that you want him to be.  He couldn't even do it if he wanted to with all of his heart.

It was the case for me, and it may be for you, that what we are so torn up about and what we miss so badly is not really our BPDex's themselves but what they represent and what we wanted to see in them.  My Therapist told me that I made use of 3 major defense mechanisms in my relationship... .

Denial

Rationalization

Minimalization

The things my BPDex did that I was able to "come to terms with", to explain away, make excuses for, bury, in order to keep my own fantasy going of a real loving relationship are mind boggling... . I didn't want to admit that I was living a lie, that all of the things I craved so much (the love, the warmth, the openness) were not coming from the right person... .

There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be loved.  To be sorrowful that the situation is what it is.  It means that you are human, and healthier than not.  It is not healthy to run from one relationship immediately into another one... . that is what BPD's do, and it is to run from all of the hurt and pain that they carry.  I repressed and ran for 9 months from all of the awful things my BPDex did to me.  After we ended for good, the depression brought me to lows that I could not have imagined. Now think, if after only 9 months I was brought to my knees like I was, what would confronting 22 years of abuse, cheating, lying, sexual abuse, etc, do to my BPDex?  It would kill her.  Literally.  So she runs.  Forever.  So that she doesn't have to face those demons.  It is what they do.  It is all they know how to do.

Never forget that this disorder is rooted in shame.  It is because THEY feel inadequate.  Think back to the days on the playground; it was often the kids who had the most insecurities and the most problems who picked on others because it made them feel better about themselves, or drew attention away from themselves.  

My heart weeps for my BPDex in between my bouts of rage about the injustice of it all.  At times like now, when I sit here and type all of this, when I think about it all, I realize just how lost these people are and I am grateful as hell that I am not them.



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“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.” - Winston Churchill
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delusionalxox
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 352



« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2013, 06:15:32 AM »

'My heart weeps for my BPDex in between my bouts of rage about the injustice of it all.  At times like now, when I sit here and type all of this, when I think about it all, I realize just how lost these people are and I am grateful as hell that I am not them.'

This is a great sentiment. But I am not there yet. I don't think I hate him (although I sure have flashes of it), it's more a sense of betrayal, injustice... . the feeling that I was utterly painted black, ignored and dismissed without explanation other than his prolonged, victim-whinge above the day of my abortion... .

When I can truly feel sorry for him, without guilt that I didn't fix it for him, I guess I'll know I am over it all.

At the moment I guess I am stuck feeling sorry for myself, for what I endured in the name of 'love'/friendship, and the big bag of nothingness and nastiness I got back.

I'm seeing good things about myself here, I see that I am a loyal and forgiving person (both things that got twisted up in the horrible maelstrom of the 'relationship'. He talked a lot about loyalty, but he is not loyal.

The fantasy is of the deep down good person I wanted him to be. I don't think that in fact he is deep  down good. Deep down he is a confused and fragmented little boy. Still, I would have liked to help him and I feel bad that I hurt him instead.  :'( Even though he is no doubt in the arms of a newly recycled girlfriend and complaining to her about his awful psycho ex who has ruined his life and delayed the submission of his PhD thesis  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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pari
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« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2013, 05:49:38 AM »

Servalan83: That sure counts as progress my dear. I am so happy that you are able to clear your mind.  .

The fantasy is of the deep down good person I wanted him to be. I don't think that in fact he is deep  down good. Deep down he is a confused and fragmented little boy. Still, I would have liked to help him and I feel bad that I hurt him instead.  :'( Even though he is no doubt in the arms of a newly recycled girlfriend and complaining to her about his awful psycho ex who has ruined his life and delayed the submission of his PhD thesis  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It is the same fantasy I have. Part of me knows that it's not gonna work out between us. Another part still hope he sees the magic light and we live happy ever after.  (Knowing that he is showering all his love on this college girl he met 1 month back). I strongly believe that the reason is my own co-dependency. I used to be a strong girl, but not anymore. I let all my guards down for him, made myself vulnerable to emotions, to make him happy. Now he is gone and I feel abandoned. And I don't know how to handle this vulnerable side of me.

Sometimes I just want to put my head in his arms and cry. I fight temptation to be with him . I know it's under my control but he is my source of comfort and pain. I don't know how to long for him for comfort... . Sorry I am just depressed.

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delusionalxox
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 352



« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2013, 07:46:32 AM »

oh pari  :'( This is what is getting to me too. I placed all my emotional energy into this person for nil return. I mistook his neediness for emotional openness. But he was not open at all except to getting his own needs met.

I'm swinging all over the place atm. For the odd good half hour I can forget him now and do something else :D and even enjoy it a little (it's been 2 months now since I saw him and 9 days NC!)

Sometimes I still hate him. For his insensitivity to me at my time of dire need... . after everything i gave to him... . poured into the black hole of BPD neediness.

Sometimes I want to say sorry to him, beg his forgiveness, fix all the damage he told me I did!

I have gone as black and white as him  PD traits
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