Well my story of mundane horror and emotional trauma is all over the boards, I won't trouble you all with it again
It has been 8 weeks since I last saw BPD/NPD exploitative, controlling, demanding ex (and was left pregnant by him ). We were 'friends' (with sex ) and living long distance following him dumping me in January after I refused to allow him to 'help' choose the house my kids and I were going to live in in UK... .
In the loony tradition of BPD relationships we did a sort of recycle and had a wonderful holiday in Italy where he lives and then an awful stay at my place, his final attempt at a true recycle I think, where I would 'look after' him... . He wrote to me after that promising eternal friendship and to make 'us' his priority in whatever form that would take... . expressing sympathy for my depression and stressful life, and leaving a note saying 'call me anytime '/ (This turned out not to be true at all as he didn't seem to want to hear from me once he got home
)
A month and 1 day (!) since he wrote to me telling me that he would never respond again to anything I wrote and wishing me 'serenity in your life without me; even in the last moment of life it is possible to change' (a reference to my suicidal feelings!) (Typical, high moral tone and posturing from him ).
From then, June 6 to June 17, the day I had to have a medical abortion, I bombarded him with angry, despairing, sometimes suicidal and always miserable texts. I was enraged, confused and infuriated that he would mess with my head so transparently and just dump me here. When I told him I was pregnant I got no response at all. One June 17 I texted him 'tell me why you lied to me about friendship and have cut me off while pg and I will stop texting you' (I felt utterly out of control, crazy, lying on my sofa bleeding for 6 hours alone, with him not even having acknowledged the pregnancy at all). I received this reply, and nothing else since:
'The explanation is in the 50 and more texts and emails full of horribleness you sent me, since I told you I was going to stop replying for good reasons (which I already explained). ---, you have deeply damaged me. And now, you are not only tormenting me but you keep damaging me and I have tons of problems already. I am not saying this lightly in any way: my dreams and days are constantly devastated by the uncountable horrible things you said and did to me. That you acknowledge it or not, it does not change what has been for real (and neither erases the good things between us). Now, please keep your promise and stop it.'
I came to this board feeling like the BPD myself (and saying so, asking whether i was). I felt so utterly desperate, and had been accused of 'hating', being a 'psycho' and ultimately too unbearable to be friends with etc.
Following this I couldn't stop emailing and texting ex but I guess my tone and mood changed to 'bargaining' I apologised for all the things I had done wrong, which even now I don't think held a candle to what he did over 3 years of hell, but I am bad tempered etc and have a stressful life which makes me grumpy. I had forgiven and forgiven and forgiven. I wanted his forgiveness.
I will not get it.
Finally on 2 July I wrote to him having discussed the situation with many people on here and elsewhere- and with many friends who knew my awful history with him and saw me deteriorate for 3 years. I told him that I felt with good reason that he had fallen below some very basic standard of decency in failing to acknowledge the pregnancy and that I would not be able to forget this althoughI was trying to forgive. I said that I was sorry he felt damaged and for the things I had done wrong but that that did not absolve him from responsibility, just because I took mine. I told him of my sorrow and how the world seemed to have gone grey/black, a nuclear winter had set in all over me in the midst of summer. How stunned I was, at how he abruptly turned on me, how he lied to me about 'being there'.
No response, although I know it was read (receipt on FB)... .
now the better part. I have managed 6 days complete NC! woohoo. But I am doing stupid sick things like constantly googling him to see if his youtube, public fb posts (the only ones I can see) and anything else has changed obsessively googling his friends I know of and the girl he was with when we split last year (who was smitten with him, and will be recycled). I checked everything I could, not much info, built myself into paranoid angry fantasies of the fun he is having without me. Then vengeful ones about the 'damage' he says that he is suffering.
I feel completely crazy still but not crying so much. No crying today at all actually!
No concentration. No work (this will be awful down the line, but work know I am in crisis).
Went on a nice date and to a party, when they played my favourite teenage song I nearly cried imagining dancing to it with him. The wanker who left me pregnant and alone. Why?
The weather is hot here which reminds me of him and I missed two trains yesterday, almost dissociating, with the strongest most painful memories of meeting him at train stations in Italy in the heat. I could almost see him with his rucksack at the end of the platform.
My friends know it all and even said that they think he is 'evil'! (There is a whole backlog of weird, nasty and intrusive behaviour; this was the first time he suckered me in with 'friendship', which is a real trigger for me as I believe in it so strongly and want to offer it to anyone I have cared about).
He had been telling me I was old and losing my looks, which has been 'unconfirmed' by lots of people paying me compliments this weekend. Sorry if this sounds vain- I am aging a bit and insecure about my looks- I think he played on this, and it is interesting to see that others disagree spontaneously. He was devaluing me. :'(
I don't miss the drama. I don't miss him taking from me and paying for everything-literally everything, even his toothpaste- while he 'invested' in crap like miniature travel guitars (?) for his mythical trip to Asia to find a job (hmm... . ) at a cost of E800. I don't miss his boring, narcissistic monologues and moral lectures
or his leaping down my throat when I said the wrong thing, or disagreed with him, or made a joke he didn't get. The sneering at me when I was depressed and tearful. the accusations of cheating and 'planning orgies'... . I miss the sex, the passion and the open, childlike way he would look at me. The fun we used to have at times. My fantasies of a future for us where he would finally grow up, and it would all be alright.
I dunno. I still feel crazy. Does any of this sound like progress?
