Marriage and BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I am new and not so new at the same time. I married my husband at the end of September and am just returning to him after leaving him a week ago because of threats and abuse-to me. My family has pretty much disowned me because I am going back, but I cannot and will not without changes. I have to be in charge of the finances, he charged up a credit card over $5000, sabatoged my car so that I could not drive it, and took my bank card, put an overdraw protection on it so that he could still use it for small items but interest was eating it up and I could not get my paycheck to stay in there. That has all been fixed now, thanks to my wonderful family-but I want and need to go back. I cannot leave him. He is a good person, but already he is railing at me for leaving him alone-and of course I was self-serving by leaving him, living in luxury while he suffers... .blah blah blah... .hundredth verse. I am a positive person and I want to remain so, but how? He is already texting me all of the awful ways I treated him since I have been here. Horrible things I have done-but he hit me in anger and destroyed my book in front of me threatening to do it to my car and computer. He also brought out a knife and threatened to commit suicide in front of me-safe to say that the idolation phase is over-enter the demon. So how do you cope? I am a fairly strong emotional person. I have a job, and I am finishing online school-in psychology. I have a good sense of what is right and wrong, and I need you guys. Thanks for listening. I want to stay. I love this man more than any other man and always will. But I want to remain emotionally stable too. I want to enjoy my life and my friends. Any success stories would help. Oh yes, I am going to start -we both are going to therapy-He has a history of drug abuse and prison for most of his life. I cannot do this alone.

[dreamer321]

Hello,

I am new and not so new at the same time. I married my husband at the end of September and am just returning to him after leaving him a week ago because of threats and abuse-to me. My family has pretty much disowned me because I am going back, but I cannot and will not without changes. I have to be in charge of the finances, he charged up a credit card over $5000, sabatoged my car so that I could not drive it, and took my bank card, put an overdraw protection on it so that he could still use it for small items but interest was eating it up and I could not get my paycheck to stay in there. That has all been fixed now, thanks to my wonderful family-but I want and need to go back. I cannot leave him. He is a good person, but already he is railing at me for leaving him alone-and of course I was self-serving by leaving him, living in luxury while he suffers... .blah blah blah... .hundredth verse. I am a positive person and I want to remain so, but how? He is already texting me all of the awful ways I treated him since I have been here. Horrible things I have done-but he hit me in anger and destroyed my book in front of me threatening to do it to my car and computer. He also brought out a knife and threatened to commit suicide in front of me-safe to say that the idolation phase is over-enter the demon. So how do you cope? I am a fairly strong emotional person. I have a job, and I am finishing online school-in psychology. I have a good sense of what is right and wrong, and I need you guys. Thanks for listening. I want to stay. I love this man more than any other man and always will. But I want to remain emotionally stable too. I want to enjoy my life and my friends. Any success stories would help. Oh yes, I am going to start -we both are going to therapy-He has a history of drug abuse and prison for most of his life. I cannot do this alone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Dreamer321,

You're not alone in this journey. You're connected to so many good people on this site. People with experience to share and to listen.

It will get better, hang in there.

It sounds like you're really resilient, but it can be so exhausting. Does anyone (husband included) recognise how much effort you're putting in?

[Grey Kitty]

Hi Dreamer321,

I've got a few questions for you... .

I get that your family does not want you to go back with your husband, and that reaction has to be really tough for you. 

I get that you need to protect yourself financially from your H. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend having no joint bank accounts, credit cards, jointly owned homes, and think twice about any joint lease.

I'm not sure what you are doing / have already done to reconcile.

Have you moved back in with him? Let him move back in with you? Are you thinking about doing one of these things?

I ask this because I'm separated physically from my wife right now, and we are starting to work out reconciliation. In our case, we aren't going to live in the same city for at least a few months, perhaps almost a year, due to other life circumstances and choices.

In addition, the abusive communications you are getting from him aren't something you should be putting up with. We've got some good workshops here in the lessons on boundary enforcement and verbal abuse.

[dreamer321]

thanks to you both for responding to my post, Grey kitty and Moselle. Grey Kitty, I am going back tomorrow. For three days he terrorized me, and he accused me of infesting him with parasites, which according to him, I brought with me (when he came to get me-pack my stuff up and brought me here) but it was consensual. So. Tomorrow I go back. He has seen a dr. and is getting treated for bacterial and parasite infections. Also he is on some kind of anxiety medication. He is angry with me. I had to leave and do it quickly. I am sort of afraid this abuse will escalate again, because I have read that it gets to a point that from the abusers vantage point-if you are there-you are asking for it... .No. Not in my case. I want to help him to help himself. Getting professional help for both of us is a positive start. Me meeting with his sisters who control his financial affairs is also a positive. He cannot handle money because if he has it-he spends it-like a child who knows no limits. I found this out the hard way. Having an escape route-my aunt and uncle live not too far away-but they are not on board with me doing this. I plan on finding someone I know at work-or going down the street making friends with people so I can run there if I have to. I have a meeting with a safe house tomorrow. Getting my car back will be huge also. But it is going to cost me big time. But he is worth it. I believe in him and I always have. My heart is much bigger than my head. I need to be clear and consistent in my boundary setting. I know that but I need lots of help in that. I have never had to do that before. It's necessary. It seems a lot of time is just spent not arguing and shutting my mouth when I really want to say, "really?" and have some reaction. BUt I am stoic as he calls me.

[Grey Kitty]

I believe you when you say that he is a good person, and you want to help him.

I don' think that moving back in with him tomorrow is a good idea--You were in a very dangerous situation before, and what you've posted here doesn't sound like his behavior is changing all that much yet.

Is there any way you can take smaller steps in the process of reconciling with him?

For example, see him every day, but not move back in, at least for a couple weeks or months?

[Moselle]

dreamer321,

Well done for organising the safe house in case it gets out of hand again. Please let us know how the meeting goes? I'd like to hear the advice they'll give you, so I can advise others who might be in a similar situation.

I think Grey Kitty has a point. The destructive dynamics do take some time to address, and its clear you want to address them

I've included a very helpful checklist for your safety, at the following link:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I know it may seem tedious. Please take the time to fill it out? Its in doing this that we actually begin to realise things we might not have thought of before, whilst caught up in the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) of a BPD relationship.

You sound very capable. You're doing great !