Hello

[Depression = 72% of members]

Not really sure where to begin.

After reading "Walking on Eggshells" I feel I have come to the realization that my mom may have BPD.  I wasn't sure what steps to take after reading the book but have decided to reach out here.  She has always had very intense mood swings and adjustments of behavior since I can remember.  Most of her conflict was always with me or my father.  After these intense moods swings she hardly seems to remember what she said or how she acted, and we always end up apologizing to her when she was clearly in the wrong.

It was extremely difficult growing up in this environment and I realized that by being around it constantly I was beginning to act like her in some respects.  I have been really working to shake off these traits after I realized I had them and am actually having great results.  Just by acknowledging it to myself and moving on has really helped me.  I don't want to be like my mom and hurt people the way she did, any advise or help would be appreciated. 

I don't have a wonderful relationship with her and am constantly working to improve it but it seems so one sided because she is not meeting me half way. I mean I clearly can't talk to her about the fact that she may be BPD she would just deny and hate me.  I just feel lost in my relationship with her and hope to improve it soon.

[brebegone]

Not really sure where to begin.

After reading "Walking on Eggshells" I feel I have come to the realization that my mom may have BPD.  I wasn't sure what steps to take after reading the book but have decided to reach out here.  She has always had very intense mood swings and adjustments of behavior since I can remember.  Most of her conflict was always with me or my father.  After these intense moods swings she hardly seems to remember what she said or how she acted, and we always end up apologizing to her when she was clearly in the wrong.

It was extremely difficult growing up in this environment and I realized that by being around it constantly I was beginning to act like her in some respects.  I have been really working to shake off these traits after I realized I had them and am actually having great results.  Just by acknowledging it to myself and moving on has really helped me.  I don't want to be like my mom and hurt people the way she did, any advise or help would be appreciated. 

I don't have a wonderful relationship with her and am constantly working to improve it but it seems so one sided because she is not meeting me half way. I mean I clearly can't talk to her about the fact that she may be BPD she would just deny and hate me.  I just feel lost in my relationship with her and hope to improve it soon.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, brebegone, and welcome! You have come to the right place... . There are many people here with what may be BPD Moms, and your story is told over and over; you will find lots of empathy and advice here... . I was wondering if you are still living at home with her? Or, are you living on your own, or involved in a relationship with a significant other? Do you have any children? You say you would like to improve your relationship with your Mom, and there are many Workshops, Articles and Videos here that could help you do that. Here is a start:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Radical Acceptance for family members

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I'm really sorry for the difficult relationship you have with your Mom, but happy you found us! In my own life, once I came here and learned the communication tools to change the way I acted with my own BPD family members, they in turn changed the way they reacted to me... . making things much better. Keep posting and reading and asking your own questions; you will be amazed at all the answers you will get 

[babyducks]

  bregegone,

I wanted to add my welcome to Rapt Reader's.   

I understand what you mean about trying to improve a relationship and not being met half way. That is so very difficult  It seemed for me all the blame always ended up on my shoulders no matter how I tried to cooperate.   

I was once guilty of taking it all very personally, rather than seeing the projection for what they were, a way for my BPD loved one to feel better about herself.   You probably know exactly what I am talking about since you read Walking on Eggshells.

This site has been a great asset for me.  I have learned so much here, and I am sure you will too.   So welcome, keep posting,  keep reading.

babyducks

[brebegone]

Thank you both for your encouraging words! 

To answer your questions Rapt Reader.  I do not live at home I moved out at 17 and am now 25.  I currently am staying with my grandma and father and this is difficult for her to deal with because she wanted me to stay with her.  I can't because for one she lives 400 miles from where we are, two we may kill each other and three I just don't want to.  I am finding it hard to communicate why I prefer to be here than with her and she is feeling abandoned and hurt by it.  I need to be living here because it is closer to more job opportunities for me and she just doesn't seem to understand that.  I don't have any children.

I will taking advantage of the links you posted and take a look at them. 

Babyducks, I am just beginning to realize that I don't have to take the blame and it's not my fault so I am slowly being able to brush it off but it is still difficult to not feel at fault.  Taking it personality is slowly killing me and I just have to move on and realize these are her things not mine. 

A little bit more I have found out from my father.  He approached our family therapist with the book we have both read and asked her what her opinion on my mother is based on this personality disorder.  She told him that she believed that my mom showed all the signs of an extremely high functioning BPD person.  Obviously we can't bring this up to her or give her help because she clearly wouldn't take our advise about it. 

I want to help her and to help our relationship but it is so taxing to even try anymore.

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for filling in the blanks, bregegone... . It sounds like you have a good relationship with your Dad and Grandmother? It's great that you have that support and someone to talk to who understands your situation. It's true you can't bring up the BPD with your Mom, but really good to get that validation from the Therapist, and knowing that you guys finally have a diagnosis to latch on to, to try to figure out how to understand and deal with her. Do you actually see this Therapist at all? That might be a good way to learn about yourself, and be able to deal with your Mom better, too.

If you have the time to poke around this website and read some of the Workshops, Articles, and the Healing from a Relationship Board, you can really learn a lot. You say you are having a hard time communicating your need to stay with your Dad, to your Mom... . The technique of "S.E.T" would work great here; when you read that link I gave you about it, I think you will find it pretty easy... . In fact, the way you explained it here is almost perfect! Keep reading and posting... . You will find the light at the end of the tunnel eventually 

[zone out]

Hi Brebegone

I can identify with much of what you posted about your Mum.  I am new to this site and have also been going through Walking on Eggshells mentally ticking all the boxes for a high functioning uBPD mother.  This site is fantastic, although I have been very busy and have only been able to explore a fraction of it over the past 6 weeks or so, I am already feeling the benefit.  Until relatively recently I had never even heard of BPD - it was only when I did an online personality test on behalf of my mother that everything clicked into place.  This evening she was beginning to work herself up into a rage on the phone and I somehow managed to remain totally calm and stop her in her tracks ... . usually I end up a nervous wreck... . she has even managed to trigger panic attacks over the phone.

It's so nice to feel that you are not alone in what you are going through and that you can develop the skills to have some control over your interaction with the uBPD.  For most of my life I have felt that my day to day existence was controlled by her moods but I am determined not to be bitter about it - that is the line she would take.  Like you I have always been conscious of the possibility of developing any of these patterns of behaviour.  I think they call them fleas on this site.

Your mum may well try all sorts of guilt trips to draw you back under her roof but you seem to have a great relationship with your Dad and you deserve some happiness.  In any case we all have to go where the work and opportunities are - your mum will just have to accept this.  I left home at a young age, I really don't know how I would have coped if I had not.

We all have to make a journey towards healing with some bumps along the way but I think finding this site is a real breakthrough.

I wish you well in your journey.

Zone out 

[brebegone]

Rapt Reader- I do have a great relationship with both my dad and grandma and my mom is a topic of conversation pretty much constantly.  Mainly because my dad is only living here for work and is trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my mom.  She recently told him some extremely hurtful things and now is saying that she didn't mean them the way she said them and is not sure why dad is mad at her.  She is currently waiting for him to say that he is sorry for taking it the way he did but he wont and I can't say that I blame him.  He is creating a rift between the two of them but it is for a good reason.  She needs to own up to what she said and I don't know if she will. 

I have seen the same therapist in the past but I no longer live close enough to see her any more.  I am currently in the process of finding someone for myself to see and talk to about everything.  I think it it will help my sanity and help me shake off my fleas faster. 

Zone out - Thank you for your encouraging words.  It is so helpful just to know that I am not alone and that this is an extremely common things and many others are going through it too.  I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this craziness. I'm not letting my mom pull me back in to her crazy, I have to be where I am to help my sanity and my job prospects she just has to be ok with that.  I have begun to develop ways of dealing with her and learning how to deflect certain things she says to me and to be able to keep her from yelling or flipping as I call it.  That one sec everything is fine, the next you are regretting the exact thing you said to set her off. 

Living apart from her has already drastically changed our relationship and for the better.  I just have to keep working and what I really wish is that she would work on it as well, but in her little perfect world everything is fine.  Her love of appearances drives me crazy most of the time, not everything is always wonderful and that is ok.  I want to be able to communicate with her about what she and my dad are going through but she wont even admit anything is wrong.  Where as my dad and I have hour long talks about it most nights after he gets off the phone with her. 

I am very thankful for this website and being able to vent it out and receive encouragement!  Thank you!

[zone out]

Brebegone - sounds like you are making good progress already!  What you said about appearances really resonates with me - my mother has this absolute obsession with appearances/opinion of others. Unfortunately her neighbours are not close enough to be within earshot or all I would have to do to escape the rage would be to run outside!

Like your mum, she can flare up in a nanosecond over the slightest thing - I am often left stunned as to what happened to trigger it.  I certainly would not introduce any 'serious or controversial' topics into the conversation - far too risky, we have a very superficial communication - she is ultra defensive and suspicious.  The rages usually take a day or so to subside but on one occasion she went screeching down the corridor and came back about 30 seconds later as if nothing had happened, wondering what was wrong with me!

Much much easier to cope with when you know you are not alone ... . and as the saying goes 'knowledge is power'.  I have gained so much from this site already... . all good wishes to you.

Zone out