Feels like a dream?

[trevjim]

Had a bad day (work related) so feel like writing something thats been bugging me.

Ive been moving on slowly from my ex as some of you may know for 7-8 months now, However when she is on my mind, It almost feels like another life, Its like im looking at me and her together through a window, almost as if I was with her, and then a minute later transported into my current life.

It doesnt feel real, or maybe the relationship feels real and current life does not?

Anyone else feel like that?

[seeking balance]

yep - that feeling stuck around for a while actually.

[Bananas]

Yes me too!  But in a way it makes sense.  I was lied to a lot over a long period of time by someone I trusted.  I always either bought into, made excuses or rationalized the lies.  So looking back, what was real and what was fake?  I don't think I will find the answers and it is not important now as it would not change the outcome.

Sorry you had a bad day at work.     

[Reg]

A bad day at work happens to all of us, sorry to hear that, but it's better then a bad relationship 

I didn't experience that but I had this returning dream a few times, as it seems that my subconscience or so tried to tell me something.

I saw my ex running, desperate, crying, in the street.  She was looking behind her, but nowhere there was a soul to be seen, and it only made her running faster, more desperate and more crying.  Afterwards I've wondered if I saw a vision of her, sort of running away from herself, from reality, or from her greatest fear to happen, to end up all alone, completely abandoned by everybody... .

The human mind is a special and curious thing... .

[charred]

Struggled with what made the r/s with a pwBPD so different from a normal r/s, and concluded it was a couple different things; The pwBPD in all stages... . paid attention to you. They ignored boundaries, and even made our fantasies real for a moment.

At first it was to mirror and gain rapport and pull you in... . but they listened, they seemed to care and we craved that feeling that we were important. When they were clingy, it was a bit irritating, but it also made it seem like we really mattered to them. When they split us, painted us black, etc... . STILL it was clear we were central on their mind, they listened to every word with rapt attention (often to turn them on us)... . but the attention was on us, think we were important to them.

Many of us have complained about pwBPD ignoring boundaries... . in my case I had a wall that kept people at a distance, worked for everyone except my pwBPD... . who ignored it and gave the illusion of being my soul mate for a time. When most people keep their distance from you, you get really lonely for intimacy, and having someone disregard distancing to be with you because you matter SO much... . just ate it up.

The needy karpman drama triangle type feelings were intense and seemed like love, and having this attractive, intense, dramatic person acting out sex fantasies is about the most fun you can have... . and that is what everyone seems to miss. The fantasy in our mind of what we had. (Which is what it was... . a fantasy)... . and drama played in to it. For drama you need stagemanship, planning, actors, and fantasy, and pwBPD can be very adept actors, can push/pull and manipulate you in to situations that are like an adrenaline rush... . often bad, but intense. After a while you are left with PTSD and a broken feeling inside and doubt about everything you thought you knew... . but it really is dramatic.

I spent a decade pining for my pwBPD... . and some 25 yrs or so after she dumped me without explanation I got her back and was intent on making it work this time... . we recycled about 7 times... . and we both still have strong feelings, but I ended it and miss the attention and intensity of the relationship... . but not the horrors of it. I lost a career, a business, a job, and a marriage due to the r/s with my pwBPD... . my self esteem took a hit it never recovered from and nothing good came from the r/s.

We all want them back... . only with changes... . only the good part, not the bad, the idealizer of us, not the hater. And we are devastated to even suspect that we didn't really matter a great deal to them like they did to us... . but it was so dramatic, and we know they are great actors... . yet we don't want to accept that it largely WAS acting.

Real love and intimacy takes a lot of time, it comes from building trust, from shared experiences and proof in the world over time that the person has integrity, that they have values we cherish, goals in common with us and would be a mate we could be proud to be with, have offspring with and be proud to grow old with and revel in. None of that matches an r/s with a pwBPD... . zilch, zero, phooey. When we abandon reality and step in to believing their world of make believe, we get burned bad. The signs are all there, but we ignore them... . the r/s moves too fast, they seem too good to be true, they isolate us from everyone and become all consuming of our time and attention, they like everything we do and seem perfect, we notice   , but ignore them, and start fantasizing about a perfect future with the perfect person... . but we get dumped or a toxic r/s that is a new level of hell.

The attachment we get with a pwBPD over time is very strong, like a primary attachment we have with our parents... . and I think that is due to apparent unconditional love, and rapt attention and ignoring our boundaries... . like a parent of a young child could and should do... . and many of ours didn't... . leaving us a hole (or core wound if you like)... . that the pwBPD seems to fill. We go back and forth with our parents, get moralized from them and cuss them... . but have a lifelong attachment and find it hard to be without them, especially permanently... . and the breakups and pain of the r/s with the pwBPD... . is very much like that.

The drama isn't whats missed, the feeling that the world is right, that everything is perfect, the rekindled hope that comes up from some deep place lost from our childhood ... . , we believe that there are soul mates and we have found ours, ... . that is what is missed in my opinion.

Its our stroked ego, our false self buying in to a play,... .   then finding out the actor isn't the character in the play, but just some flaky actor or actress that is tired of performing and wants to move on to the next show with the next partner.

After that intensity... . I find being alone with the phone not ringing, no texts coming in, no one hanging on every word (to argue mostly)... . the dead still really, to be lonely. I have started dating again but... . its flat, like going from color HDTV to an old black and white rerun.

The r/s was a dream... . it was my imagination that made the good parts, and most of it was a nightmare... . but it shined a light on the hole it left behind.

[trevjim]

Charred, I feel I could of written that.

Its something ive struggled with throughout the breakup, Boredom!