Need some input please.

[clover528]

UBPDexbf contacted me last night and called/ texted all day today.The emails came first. He said he he had tried to friend me on fb. Then the second was him saying he guesses we arent friends and thanks for everything. Well, I set my profile private. No one can friend me. So I was clueless about the attempt and the emails until after he texted this morning. The first two messages were telling me how wrong i had done him and he would never do that to me and basically I never cared and i had manipulated his emotions etc... . all blame and guilt and my fault. The only thing he said as far as his part was he" made some bad decisions. "Then the calls started. I never answered. He wrote more saying he wanted me to admit what I had done and he would be gone forever. then he kept upping the ante. said to call write or see him and admit what I did. Then when there was no reply the inevitable, "dont provoke me" and I will see you soon. I still havent replied and have been very upset all

day. Also, If you recall, I did take full responsibility when I last spoke to him over a week ago. I posted about how i gave him everything he asked. Here I sit knowing this is a lose lose situation for me.

I had paused over the protective order because it would likely escalate his anger. I hadnt heard from him for over a week after him saying goodbye etc... . Im not going to reply and am afraid of his next move. I dont want to live in fear of him. I meet attorneys again later this week. I am so scared all the time. I feel like no matter what I do this isnt going to go well.

I keep repeating to myself, I will not live in fear. It doesnt seem to help much right now. I thought he would leave me alone. No such luck.

Anyone been in this position? coping advice?

[clover528]

Sticking to no reply and the calls and messages keep coming. Saying the same thing. If I admit what I did to him he will be gone forever. I know better. I did that before and here he is again. I have to keep this boundary set. I am shaking with every message. I don't even want to look at them anymore. I  think I will only delete. Should he show up here, I will immediately call authorities. I can not give into his manipulation again. I know what I have done wrong. I did quite a bit. I have more than once taken responsibility for those things. What he wants is for me to say, I used him, never loved him and that it was all a big game to me. It was no game to me. It was my hope, my life and my future I was looking forward to with him. I am hurting too.Even through all this I do still love this man. I don't want to hurt him. I know he is hurting inside enough for both of us. I cant be mean or hate on him. I sometimes wish I could.

[Abigayle]

I'm afraid I can't offer you any advice, but I can give you moral support because I am in the exact same situation right now only we have a 4yr old daughter. I have tried to do everything he asks, let him see her - still the barrage of texts and calls and emails. Nothing is ever enough for him and he won't come to an agreement and stick to it. I feel like all the air is getting sucked out of the room and my heart stops every time the phone rings. I don't know what to do because whatever I do will be wrong.

You know though, Actually I can give you some advice because I am pretty sure I dated a BPD before my husband. He was abusive and when I left the same behavior ensued. The difference was - no kid. I just avoided avoided avoided - I moved and changed my number. Eventually he got a new gf and went away. I would say to you - do the same. but also do what I didn't do, and do everything you can to look inside yourself and recognize what it is that attracted you to this guy and do away with it. I could have saved myself 12 years of agony with my husband and a bleak future for my beloved daughter if I had only worked more on myself and not gotten right back into another unhealthy relationship. Now I am tied to him for life through a child and I will have to watch her suffer helplessly.

I wish you the best of luck. Honestly, if you don't have a child together I would place my bet on him eventually going away if you stick to your guns. Go out with friends (to places he wouldn't be) and try to reclaim yourself. Get a good therapist and become your best self. I know what you are feeling right now. I am there. It feels like you are dying. But you aren't.

[clover528]

Abigayle,,

thank you for your reply and support. There is a child involved. I am working with a family attorney to discuss how to handle this situation. He hasnt yet pursued visitation or anything concerning her. He only mentions her to manipulate me into talking to him. Selfishly, I am praying he walks away and never looks back. He has a new gf living with him. He hasnt stopped unless he is with her. In her absence, he calls and messages etc. It is a very good description of how it feels when he tries to contact me. The air being sucked out of the room. EXACTLY how I feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. I do have a therapist. I have for a few months now. I know the why of it all now. or a large part of it. It is the fixing me part that I am trying to figure out. i know that will take some time. This my first go round with an abusive relationship. I am sorry for the pain you have gone through these years. I hope you are seeking some help for you as well. Thank you again for the support and the reply. It helps knowing we are not alone. you can message me if you need to. I dont have all the answers either. but I can offer support in return. Thanks again.

c

[Trick1004]

Clover,

I also don't have any advice outside of look out for your own safety and if that involves getting the authorities involved DO SO. I hope this blows over for you and he leaves you alone.

Trick

[clover528]

Thank you Trick. I am staying safe first and foremost. I posted before and got some amazing advice when he did this a week or so ago. I just needed to know I am not alone. I know I am not. I also am sticking to my guns here. I have a safety plan. I have my legal affairs in order (well as much as they can be unless or until I decide to pursue charges) There are no stalking laws here and the legalities of getting an order of protection  are ridiculous. 

It doesnt change the fear inside though. That is for me to handle. This whole ordeal has shown me so much about myself. What I hold dear and what is really important in my life. It has forced me to search deep in my self for my own happiness. To learn the value of friendship and family. The list is so long, but you get the idea.  I am grateful. As much pain as I feel, I feel gratitude today too.

I am sure this will get harder before it gets easier. For today and right now, I am trying to let go and not allow this to take the joy from my today.

Thanks again for the replies.

[Trick1004]

To one extent or another we are all dealing with some level of BPD with our ex here. Let us know how it is going!

[babyducks]

Clover,

If you don't mind I would like to shift the focus to you.   You said

I don't want to hurt him. I know he is hurting inside enough for both of us. I cant be mean or hate on him

Changing your phone number, going through with the protection order, making your safety and comfort number one is NOT being mean.   It's taking care of you and yours. 

This man is crossing boundaries left and right.   I remember reading your previous posts and know the level he can descend to.

I get that it is wickedly unpleasant to have to change your phone number, very difficult to deal with the attorneys but you are responsible to take care of yourself.  Waiting for him to give up and go away has not proven to be an effective strategy.   

Protecting him from the fall out from his behaviors is not doing anyone any favors. 

One of the other ambassadors here said this and I liked it so much I use it all the time, so thanks to laelle.

He is attempting to get you to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.  This gives him the control of the conversation.  Its an manipulation technique to re engage you without taking responsibility for himself. 

If you want to let go, realize that they are emotional children.  They cant give you what you need because they are not capable.  All the crazy making is their incomplete defense system trying to keep them regulated.  They are boiling over with pain, and the only way to relieve it is to dump it on you.

Do you really want to spend any more time being someone's dumping ground?

I am guessing not.

And when you let him dump on you, he gets reinforcement for his behaviors.  He feels better at your expense.  Which is pretty much the definition of a BPD relationship.   

Take a couple of deep breaths, close your eyes, let go of what he wants/needs/feels, concentrate on finding what you want, what would make you feel safe.  what would make you feel peaceful?   I know its easy for us to loose track of our emotions under the intensity of theirs. 

You deserve better.  You deserve to be safe.  You deserve to laugh.  And relax.  To kick off your shoes and sip some sweet tea on the porch.  You can get there, with the price of some effort.

None of us does this perfectly, we all stumble through it.  Its difficult.   But in the end if we work at it, we become better people, more compassionate and much much stronger.

Be strong Clover.

babyducks

[GlennT]

Actually, when you think about it, "Tough Love" is the purest form of  love we can give them.

[clover528]

babyducks you are right. and laelle's word are spot on as well. I did recongnize he was attempting to manipulate me again. I have beedn stronger this time than before. The calls are blocked. I see the attempts but it doesnt ring in. He did send a few messages.  I have more perspective reading them now. They changed to despiration now. Begging me to call him. I can see the cycles clearly with him. I can see the patterns for what they are. Manipulations. I quit accepting his words as truth. I have hung on to them for too long.

I read another posters thread about not changing their life for the pwBPD any longer. I feel that way too. I know I have the power to do much more. You are correct. I do deserve more than I have allowed myself. I am getting there. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I admit, my struggle to not be mean and leave the guilty unpunished while I suffer their bad behavior is a theme of my behavior. It is one I am trying to overcome. A by product of an abusive childhood. I am getting there. This board and the wise folks here are such a source of hope and strength and insight for me and I am sure all of us. I am grateful I found this place.

thank you again. I am trying to stay strong. I will get through this.

[clover528]

GlennT,

Tough love I have found works both ways. By that I mean, it is setting strong boundaries for those we love and forcing them to face their own issues Including consequences, but at the same time,  we have to deal with our own issues in order to set and enforce dour personal boundaries, while understanding it is out of our control and knowing we can only keep ourselves healthy safe and accountable for our own behavior.

thank you for the reminder!

[empower-me]

Hi Clover,

I was in this same situation a couple of years back and had to file a restraining order due to the barage of texting that created the worst ptsd and internal fear I can recall.

I was walking inside my house looking out windows, just petrafied and why?  All due to his anger and texting and leaving horrific voice mails that was just all part of more manipulation and trying to stay feeling like he was in control. And he sure was!  I was so messed up!

So I finally had to do it and filed the report with the police about the harrassment and then filed the restraining order.

He ignored it and ended up being put in jail for not accepting that I finally had reached my limit.  He was only there a few days but it did send a very clear message to him.

He got the point that my boundaries had changed and then he finally backed off.

So I thought about it this way.  What is the worst thing that can happen?  I was already living in a way that felt like at any time the worst thing could happen to me so what would I have to lose?  My life maybe but either way that could be reality if he lost it that bad.

I chose to fight for my life and if I ended up getting hurt or worse, at least I made those steps for the betterment of my life and it was a chance I had to take.

Of course you know your personal circumstances better than anyone else so maybe changing your number would only set him off worse or whatever you end up doing.  Point is, they do not understand boundaries of any type and they usually need them forced upon them by an authority figure in order to respect them.

Remember, when they feel threatened or in harms way, then and only then wil they usually take notice and change their actions.

It's all about them and when it gets too uncomfortable for them then they look at their behavior and think about changing it.

So it paid off in my case.  He backed off and ended up having a newfound respectful fear for the police department and not wanting to do any jail time or have his record smeared in any way.

Be careful and remember we understand what you are going through. 

[clover528]

empower me,

Thank you for sharing your story of strength and understanding with me.  I too have to decide when and where I have had enough. I am working on it. So far the texts have calmed some. He did tell me in a message earlier that It was an emergency. to please call him etc. I never replied. In the past, I would have contacted him immediately after the first threat. I am more relaxed and feeling a little better. He has no idea where I am right now. I am with friends and feel completely safe for the first time in a while. I dread going home, but I hope I will gain enough strength inside to go through with the protective order. I really do admire your strength. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

[empower-me]

You are so welcomed and I am so glad to hear you are safe and with a great support system.  That makes all the difference in the world.

It took me quite a while to build up that courage so don't let the strong talk now fool ya.   It was a process but one you will not be able to go back on once your mind starts taking you in that direction.

Once we learn to put our foot down and start loving ourselves more than we think we are loving them, then and only then can we really make things different and the turning point is so wonderful to experience.

It is just a new reality that you know deep down inside that you'll never go back to that abusiveness again.  Not to that degree anyway.

And every step you make will take you closer and closer to where you want and need to be in your life so you can live your true and authentic life without all the chaos and madness.

Thinking of you and stay strong.   

[GreenMango]

Clover I'd ask an attorney about how to handle communication since you have a child in the mix.  If its his child be cognizant of the legal and parenting issues at play.

Kids fare better in a situation where conflict isn't rampant.  it might take you being the more mature person mitigating this conflict for your kids sake.

I'm guessing no contact, except regarding kid issues and barring any full custody/restraining orders, isn't a viable option.  It's probably not what you wanted to hear but getting wrapped up in a potential over inflated child abduction charge from him because of no contact may not help you here.

There are ways to have boundaries though.  You don't have to have the emotional relationship talks with him - keeping it strictly business and child related will fall on your shoulders.  It takes practice and fortitude. 

Post on the Family law board and parenting too.  It will help to speak with others in complicated situations like this.

[clover528]

GM, 

At this time he has no parental rights. He has never pursued any visitation or support from day one. Also, we were never married. I have since learned this isn't the first time he has done this. He has another child. It is sad but I honestly do not think he wants D in his life except to keep me around. I have been advised to wait to see if he pursues it. I just don't want that. I have a family law attorney retained. Thank you for the concern and sound advice. I appreciate every response.