needing support

[mitchell16]

it will be 2 weeks since the relationship once again broke down. I have to see her almost daily since we work almost in teh same building. I return her stuff she had left at my house the day before yesturday. we argued but neither budge. She was very cold and calloused. Im feeling really low. I should be experienced with this since in almost 3 years I have had this done to me so many times ive lost count. At times its has bothered me more and at times it has been less. This is one time it is really riding on me and I dont know why. Is is becasue it seems so final or becasue this time when we got back she seemed so much better and actully was talking so postive and starting planning our wedding. I cant figure it out but im in a really sad and lonely place this time.

[emotionaholic]

Mitchell16

I am right there with you even down to the 3 years on and off, countless breakups and two weeks and counting this time.  I don't work in the same building though.  That sounds extra hard and I feel for you.  The best thing to do with that is keep your chin up and a smile on your face.  Show your inner strength.  pwBPD are like children and need to see confidence and strength.  Anything else and they will suck you dry.

It is hard though.  My emotions are all over the board.  I read up in the staying board in preparation for her to come back.  I read up in the leaving board in preparation for her to not come back.  And my thoughts follow suit.  I want this relationship more than anything and then 5 minutes later I remember how messed up it is.

The way I see it is that if I keep reading up on what others here have to say look through the lessons and put myself first in line on the needing to be taken care of list then all that will happen is that I will be a stronger more confident man.  Which if this relationship continues I will be better prepared and if it does not then I will be better prepared.

Keep your chin up.  It is not your fault that your gf has this horrible illness.  You can not do anything to change her.  All you can do is change yourself.  The outcome of that will only positive.

[mitchell16]

thank you. I should be an expert at this as many times I have been down the road with her. The last time it happened I actully was doing really well, I took a trip, started trying to date. She would contact be about every 3 weeks and I would just ignore it. I allowed myself to be sucked back in, she seemed really better, and the like out of now where im laying flat on my back again.

[emotionaholic]

Just the other day there I was a grown man hiding in a back room at my jobsite crying.  Today though I'm feeling better, just keep reminding myself that it is not my fault.  She is sick.

[mitchell16]

thats a good point. maybe it harder this time because im in the middle of serious health issues. I have got to have some test run in the very near future for a medical condition that i have already battled once and may have returned. and maybe thats why she is acting this way, since they day the trouble started was right after I got a call from doctor about some of my lab work and him wanting to do further test.

[seeking balance]

It' is hard to do the dance over and over... . but in the back of our minds - we don't quite believe it is really over - it is our soul mate right?

And then - we stumble upon the facts of the disorder - BPD - once we let this information enter our mind, we know that this is real and it is not going to be a healthy relationship for either party without significant change.  Maybe we stay a bit longer, practice the skills - but eventually the trauma builds up and we realize it really is over.

Whether they end it or we do - there is a point deep down we know it is done even if there are moments of hope.

Article 9 was a lifesaver for me:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Take care of YOU now Mitchell - you need your energy.

Peace,

SB

[shaggysoul]

Just the other day there I was a grown man hiding in a back room at my jobsite crying.

I know what you mean. Two months after the breakup and I will suddenly find myself at work with tears streaming down my face. I never used to cry! Now I feel like a mess.

[mitchell16]

Im hoping it gets better. I havent went nc with her. BUt we have been very limted in out contact with each. She said the following week that she wanted it to be over with us. We didnt speak for 6 days. Then she texted me asking if I would bring her stuff to her and wanted us to civil. I did bring her stuff to her which resulted us arguing with each other. We then had nc with each other for 24 hours. Today i spoke to her and she wants to go with me to my Dr. appoint in the future. I cant make heads or tails out of this persons actions.

I could see it coming again and I tried to use diffrent tools to cmmunicat with her. One night when she got drunk and started makiing a buunch of accusations. I didnt say anything I let her say what she wanted. One of the things she was saying was that i didnt love her like i used to. I held my tongue and then when she was finshed I said Im sorry you feel that way but thats not true I love you as much as I ever did. She stopped in her tracks and paused for a minute. But then she started right back up where she had left off. I just let her rant and rave. The next day i went home which pissed her off becasue she said it was like i was abanding her. But the last time i stayed when she was like this she got so out of control I got worried and then she wanted to drive her car drunk and I wouldnt let her and she threating to call the police. So i just left. Some of the other thing she was doing that was starting show me she was fixing to get out of control and start a push away cycle.

stopped telling me she loved me. This our routine when we are fixing to hang up with each other.

refused sex with me, said she wasnt in the mood. So I said ok I  understand and then she wanted it instantley

had started not answering her phone when i called. she would say she was on the other line or phone wasnt working.

making plans, changing them and then changing them back, very erratic.

start passive/aggressive insults.

overly praising other men. sisters boyfrined mowed the yard and she went on and on about him doing this, but barley thanked me for mowing her yard.

trying to start arguments when no reason to argue.

saying things I did say. if I dindt agree with her she would say I was calling her a lying piece of hit or I always take up for everyone else but I never beleive her. That wasnt the case.

but even when i could see it coming I couldnt stop it from happeneing. But this is misrably. Misrabley with them but misrabley without them. I cant seem to find a way to be in the happy medium. I dont know if my health concerns are scaring her because she si afraid I will die so she pushing me away becasue she feel like I will abandon her. I tried to talk to her about it and she just refues. But I cnat find teh strength to stay committed to being away from her. I will go nc but i always allow myself to be pulled back in.

[seeking balance]

Im hoping it gets better. I havent went nc with her. BUt we have been very limted in out contact with each. She said the following week that she wanted it to be over with us. We didnt speak for 6 days. Then she texted me asking if I would bring her stuff to her and wanted us to civil. I did bring her stuff to her which resulted us arguing with each other. We then had nc with each other for 24 hours. Today i spoke to her and she wants to go with me to my Dr. appoint in the future. I cant make heads or tails out of this persons actions.

Using this interaction as your baseline for what to expect - exactly what is it that you want?

but even when i could see it coming I couldnt stop it from happeneing. But this is misrably. Misrabley with them but misrabley without them. I cant seem to find a way to be in the happy medium. I dont know if my health concerns are scaring her because she si afraid I will die so she pushing me away becasue she feel like I will abandon her. I tried to talk to her about it and she just refues. But I cnat find teh strength to stay committed to being away from her. I will go nc but i always allow myself to be pulled back in.

No Contact is a tool for US... . it is a way for us to gain some balance so that we can properly grieve the relationship.

It is NOT: to punish them or control them, it is not about them at all really.

No Contact without working on our own emotional issues just prolongs the time until we do the dysfunctional dance with them or someone new.

Mitchell - I am really sorry you are having these medical issues, it sounds like you need some support, do you have support from anyone that is not mentally ill?  I mean, this support group is for people dealing with a mentally ill loved one - so, having her as your support in a life crisis - can you see how that might not be in your best interest right now if you are looking for the balance you talk about?

who else can you turn to?

[mitchell16]

in the past when I wnet nc. It was to punish her it was for me to get my breath. and step way from her raging and cause i would want it over. But some how she would always after sometime to soften up and i would cave back in.

I do have some friends for support for my health issues. But it really grieves me that once again when I do need her the most she is pulling this again and then asking can she go to the dr. with me so she can support me. It just blows my mind and between the health issues and failing realtionship Im just a mess right now.

im very confused about what i want with her anymore. Of course I want her to be normal but that aint happening. If she would go away it would be so much easier but that dont seem to going to happen. Im just stuck, cant go foreward and I cant go back.

[seeking balance]

. Im just stuck, cant go foreward and I cant go back.

what does going forward look like for you?

[mitchell16]

Looking forward? at this point I wish I knew. Of course I wish she we be Normal. But I also relize that when she does act normal it will be very short lived and shes not capable. Which is very hard to understand because she is very educated and in the therapy field herself. Which makes it all even more confusing. On her last melt down she said " i dont act this way with anybody but you" which of course screams BPD because with other people she is not in a intimate relationship so no triggers. The set ups are the hardest things for me to deal with. She will want to discuss a problem so if I engage, just as soon as she says a sentence and I respond. she shuts me off with Im sick of this or all you want to do is argue. So if I dont respond and tell her I dont want to talk about it, she then says how can we fix the problem if we dont talk about it. Its just mind blowing. When she is raging if i stay its just keeps escualting if I leave I abondoned her.

I dont know how to get this person out of my life and keep her out. She always finds a way to break my will. Im having a very difficult time detaching from her permit. I can do it short term but i always end caving after awhile.

[emotionaholic]

20 years ago I experimented with cocaine for a few months.  God it felt so good.  Then I felt horrible.  I need more.  What can I sell?  What can I give up?  I need more.  I want to feel that again.  Luckily it only lasted a short time.  I had sold things dear to me, giving up things I cherished maxed out a credit card and was broke.  Eye opener.  This is stupid.  Never touched the stuff again and never associated with anyone who did.  BPD relationships are the same.  The more you try to get that high back the more you stand to loose.  Now if only I can convince myself of what I say.

[ObiRedKenobi]

having my own experiments with this as a teen I can relate to your post. That was about 18 years ago.

[Phoenix.Rising]

mitchell16,

I feel for you and your situation, and I understand why it is such a struggle. One thing I keep reminding myself of is that she is not capable of sustaining the intimate interaction.  She would always push away, and it never made logical sense.  This disorder is not based on any kind of logic. 

If you want to stay with her, can you radically accept that the push/pull will continue and you will likely never have the closeness with her you so desire unless some radical change happens on both of your parts?  Remember that you are likely sick in a way as well.  You certainly cannot change her, but how can you change yourself?  Otherwise, this will repeat ad infinitum.  I'm sorry about your medical condition and I hope everything turns out ok.

Take it easy,

Phoenix.Rising