If they refuse to go to Therapy, then why should we bother using techniques?

[nursemyBPD]

Although I strongly suspect my husband of 30 years has BPD, he has never sought counseling, treatment nor acknoweldged ANY sort of of problem on his part.

   So As I try to wrap my logical but exhausted frustrated mind around the reality of the tremendous efforts it takes to constantly utilize the BPD coping techniques recently learned, here and in BPD resources. Techniques such as DEAR, SET, etc, and the general idea of NOT Taking things personally, trying to empathize that BPD's dont do this on purpose, but suffer a serious personality disorder and mostly it is uncontrollable etc. 

    Just the thought of REALLY mastering these techniques and not becomeing defensive, in order to have a mediocre existence with someone who will never likely show you any reciprocity, is so oppressive to me all of a sudden. As a medical professional myslef, I have felt an obligation to try to muddle through, but I am NOT a therapist or Mental health Professional, and as I learn more & more about what its going to take to regain any sense of myself and return even a few days per month of so called normal marriage connectedness, it's starting to feel like a futile effort.

     I began to feel WHY should I give uBPDh a free pass to say & act however he likes under the guise of BPD disorder? I know boundaries are necessary regardless for our own mental health sakes, BUT I mean the "NOT reacting" the accepatance that NONE of our emotional needs  are ever being met, NONE of our opinions counts, we cannot have a bad day or have effects of our own negative childhoods, because it just so happens that HE happend to manifest with the more severe BPD traits as a result of a disfunctional & traumatic childhood, Yet my dysfunctionall & traumatic childhood only left me a bit introverted, and lacking in self esteem, as a young adult.

  To me in reflection this TOO seems to be another way of enabling which, I admitt has been an issue for me in our marriage.? Any thoughts on this?

[shamrock]

I know where you are comming from!

BUT

Any skill learnt is a plus in your life with all other people you will deal with, not just your H. Also the more you use the skills, like validation etc with him, it will change him, even if slightly.

[123Phoebe]

Hi nursemyBPD

I have a question... . or a few... .

After being made aware of the coping techniques that you've mentioned, have they made you more aware of yourself in all this?  The role that you've played in your relationship (for lack of a better term)?  30 years is a long time to stick it out; what's changed for you, since say... . 5, 17, 23 years ago?  What was your relationship like back then?

What's different now?

[nursemyBPD]

in response to 123phoebe, I have changed by NOT allowing myself to be roped into the arguments, when he starts the dysreguling I walk aawy, stop talking etc. this process has been evolving, as for the past 5-8 years, I had really come to realize that He suffered some sort of mental health problem, as oppsed tohim just being extremly jealous early in our marriage, as well as controlling, argumentative, and sensitive. As I matured, ( I was barely 20 & he 23 when we married) I just buried myslef in my nursing career and raising our children plus we cared for numerous relatives children and several foster children during our 1st 15 years of marriage, so I stayed so busy, I just went though the motions.

   I was blessed to always have had a career & full time job, I have been on the same nursing job for 24 years. YET my KIDS and FAMILY became my life I had.have no outside TRUE freindships, I have aquaintences, at work & church but we do not do much outside of those situations with each other.

    I have most recently been asserting myslef & setting boundaries, on HOW he speaks to me especially in our Business we run together, I do not placate him much anymore, I no longer explain or try to get him to understand my point of view, etc. So the turmoil from the chaos of that has lessend the impact allot and has significantly decresed the frequency & severity of his dysregulation, but on the flip side, it has been exchanged for SILENCE, we dont do much together as a COUPLE, we still have family gatherings but nothing & occasionaly will go out with another couple for wine tasting, a concert 1-2 times a year etc. but then it is just a facade we laugh with them but then on the way home the silent treament resumes.

  A part of me still wants us to be togehter as he is a high functiioning  BPD, he is not violent, nor does he abuse, drugs or alcohol, he IS HIGHLY critical, blames me  for everything, highly sensitive, jealous still, and overbearing, always right, can be emotionallly abusive if I dont walk away etc. SO I THOUGHT that I COULD COPE, but now that I am mature enough to know better I feel I SHOULD DO BETTER for MYSELF, not do better in he is not good enough for me now, BUT DO BETTER than accepting that THIS is the life I have to live? I question if I am hiding behind my religous beleife that we should TRY to remain married, for better or worse.

[123Phoebe]

accepting that THIS is the life I have to live? I question if I am hiding behind my religous beleife that we should TRY to remain married, for better or worse.

It's a very personal decision, weighing in so many factors.

I struggled with my reasoning for staying with my now exH (non-BPD, but Narcissistic traits), for quite a few years.  A question I finally asked myself was, 'If we were to meet 'today' and I had all this foreseeable knowledge... .  Would I go on a first date with him?'  The answer was NO.  I didn't respect or even like him very much.  So why then was I struggling so hard with making a decision to end the marriage?  It was pretty much 'fear'.  Fear of having to face certain facts and actually do something about it, and all that that would entail... .

It's different with my pwBPD.  We've been together longer than my marriage lasted now, we don't live together and there have been all kinds of bumps along the road... .  Knowing everything that I know... .  Would I go on a first date with him?  YES!  Because I respect and like him as a person and that goes a long way... .  

It makes it worth it (to me) to learn techniques that will help our relationship.

That's the very simple and condensed version

I find that simpling things down keeps me grounded.  In any close relationship there will be a lot of noise and background chatter going on.  Cutting through the noise and cutting to the chase, so to speak, brings me clarity.

Do you respect and like your husband?