brother and father enabling uBPD mom

[rise_up]

i've been doing well about setting boundaries- but to set it with the enablers and repeat myself endlessly is tiring.

parents live overseas, brother and his wife live in another state. after a big blow up 3 months ago, they have asked me to come back with them to which i refused. i agreed to visit, but cannot do so immediately because of my work. my dad started making visa papers for me and said they expire on sept 4th (pretty sure my mother's antics drove him to do this). i said i would get back to him with travel dates. a few weeks later, HE sends ME dates- expecting me to travel from August to December. i email BOTH my parents back and say this is not realistic for me. i can prepare to come in October. i hear nothing back from them... . just dead air.

yesterday my brother starts an email conversation:

brother: have you decided when you're going to (country)?

me: yes. i got the email dad sent and august-december doesnt work for me. i can make plans to go in october for 2 weeks.

brother: why havent you talked to them about it? dad sent you those dates on july 8 and you havent said anything.

me: i emailed him back on july 10 telling him it doesnt work and october is my plan. i didnt hear anything back.

brother (just 30 mins ago): but your visa papers to visit expire on sept 4th.

my thoughts right now:

... . seriously? so make new visa papers. what part of "august doesn't work for me" don't ANY of them understand? my mother is probably guilt tripping my brother into convincing me to go sooner than i am willing. i have heard NOTHING from her... . but i'm fairly confident that she is using my brother and father to allay her abandonment fears.

i'm so angry right now. i haven't responded yet.

[GeekyGirl]

Hey rise_up,

Sometimes upholding your boundaries can be exhausting. You've made it clear to everyone that an August visit just isn't going to work for you. You've been very consistent about that.  It's very likely that your mother is pressuring your father and your brother to push you to change your mind, and I can imagine why that makes you angry.

Could you take care of your visa papers? That might give your parents less control over you. Why do you think they're so intent on having you visit from August to December?

You're doing the right thing by being consistent. Is it worth reaching out to your parents again about visiting in October?