I still want my vacation- what to do?

[Chosen]

About 2 months ago uBPDh got completely dysregulated when we talked about having a vacation.  Just a short recap: we agreed on the date, I asked for leave from my work (I have to do that way in advance because it's very hard to take leave), then he says I'm insensitive because he doesn't know about his work contract yet, as it will end in around that time.  He was absolutely mad and went away for the night.  Then later I said we'll not talk about the vacation plans until he knows whether his contract will be renewed.

So, yesterday at work, he was told his contract will be renewed for 2 years    Of course it's a relief to me and also I feel happy for him. 

Now... . I'm wondering about that vacation.  I haven't spoken to him about that at all, because I had promised I won't, and I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to make it all about me... . but, the fact is I still have the leaves in about 2 months' time (I previously said I won't cancel the leaves unless he can give me another date to take the leaves.  Otherwise I will be left with no leave and I desperately need some time off).  My question is, should I mention that to him, or just see if he mentions that at some point?  I'm afraid it will trigger him again, but if I don't change the date of leave or plan the holiday, then I may not get another chance soon (my boss is quite harsh with taking leaves).  Any suggestions would help a lot, thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Start by thinking about what you need to take care of yourself.

You say you need some time off, and it is currently scheduled (and difficult to change given your job)

I remember reading about this before... . and don't remember the answer to this question: Can you come up with a plan for a vacation you would enjoy which doesn't involve him?

If yes, then do what you have to to make it possible.

Then you could ask him if he wants to go on vacation with you in two months or not. If he says yes, then have a vacation with him. If he says no, then tell him you'll go on vacation without him.

Is that possible for you?

[Chosen]

Grey Kitty,

I think what I want is: a vacation.  My priority is to travel with H, and it doesn't really matter what time as long as I can change my leave period (need to speak to my boss first.  If she allows, fine with me).  Of course, the problem is if I change it to another date I will likely not be able to change it again.

My boundary is that I WILL NOT cancel the leave without having an alternative leave plan for another date.  Hence, if H cannot give me a time which he can have the vacation, I will go ahead with this scheduled leave, whether I go away or not.

Problem is, I don't know whether I can bring this up without triggering, whether it is too soon as he just knew about the contract.  Or whether I should leave it to him to start the discussion (the risk is he may never do so).  I have told him before that if he doesn't tell me another time he can have the vacation, I am keeping my approved leave, but I don't know if he remembers that.  I just don't know whether or not to bring up this topic... . a vacation is supposed to be a happy thing, and if it triggers arguments then what's the point of that.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . I guess I'd recommend two things:

1. Give him a few days, up to a week. He may be waiting for a good time to bring it up.

(My bet is that since this is difficult/triggering to him, he's put it successfully out of his mind)

2. Meanwhile, prepare to bring it up using the communication tools we have here, to reduce the likelihood of triggering him. (Knowing you can't control whether he is triggered or not!)

And that leads me to another question:

You have already mentioned that planning a vacation with your H has you afraid of triggering him.

When you DO travel with your H, does he usually enjoy it? Are you afraid that going on vacation will trigger him as well?

[Chosen]

We have only been married for a bit more than a year, and I've been so busy (work + study) for the most part of last year that we didn't have much vacation time.  He's usually pretty ok on vacations though, so I'm not afraid he will get triggered more often while on vacation. 

My current plan is: give it a week or two, so I don't seem like it's all I think about.  Then I will just casually remind him that I still have my leave booked from work, would he be intested in going away.  (If he doesn't mention it further I will just keep my leaves, and then he can't claim that he doesn't remember I have taken those leaves)

What I'm afraid of when I bring it up is that, he is STILL undecided on the holiday issue (even though at first he claims it is the work contract things that makes it difficult for him to decide... . but we never know if that's just an excuse), and then I will have my leaves, make alternate plans to go away with a friend/ family member, and THEN he'll be triggered because, you know, I'm supposed to give up everything he doesn't want to enjoy.

[Chosen]

I was wondering... . what if I don't bring up the topic like it's an issue, but what if he finds me reading some travel magazine one day, just to test the waters, see if he brings up the topic and so on?

Yeah I'm kind of a sissy... .

[briefcase]

I was wondering... . what if I don't bring up the topic like it's an issue, but what if he finds me reading some travel magazine one day, just to test the waters, see if he brings up the topic and so on?

Yeah I'm kind of a sissy... .

Time to put on the big girl pants, brush up on DEARMAN, and ask him about that vacation.  It probably won't be any easier tomorrow.  The more you confront these fears and actually engage in these conversations the easier it gets.    

[Chosen]

Time to put on the big girl pants, brush up on DEARMAN, and ask him about that vacation.  It probably won't be any easier tomorrow.  The more you confront these fears and actually engage in these conversations the easier it gets.    

briefcase, I was half-joking, only toying with that idea.  I have never actually consciously used DEARMAN before, it's so long it scares me!  But actually I had been thinking about it yesterday.  Think I may give it one more week before I actually bring the topic up.  Can anyone give me suggestions on this one?

Describe: It's great that you are having your contract renewed.  Remember a while ago we were saying we can talk about vacation plans after you learn about the contract?  I still have a week of vacation which I've taken from work, I haven't cancelled it yet.

Express: I would like to go on vacation with you, and want to see when you are able to go, since I’m afraid my boss won’t let me change the dates if I ask her later.

Assert: If you are able to go on vacation this year, maybe we could fix a time to go, and I can change my leave if my boss allows?  If you’re unable to go this year, then I will keep the dates I have now and take the leave anyway.

Reinforce: Then I will be able to save up future vacation days to go on holiday with you.

The problem is, last time it seemed like the discussion went well.  He fixed a date and everything, and it wasn’t until he started raging that I knew he didn’t want to talk about that before he knows whether he will get his contract renewed.  And now, although he knows, I don’t know if something else is bothering him and whether it’s not a good time to bring it up as well…