advice for a daughter of a BPD

[yelhsagoep]

I have a 57 y/o mother with BPD (I am 29, her daughter). Both my brother and myself have problems "managing" her. She constantly claims that she is not a priority of ours and that we do not show her enough love or respect. We are both married and I have a child, so obviously the natural progression of life is that your mother is not your priority. She does not realize this no matter what we say or do. She constantly is wanting to overstep boundaries and be involved in everything we do, to make herself feel like she belongs and always oversteps her boundaries. Recently, I tried to talk to her about her issues with boundaries and needing to find other activities other than depending our us (her kids) and she attempted suicide. Please help- what should we do- any advice is welcome

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, yelhsagoep, and welcome to this site... . You have found the right place for understanding and commiseration and advice. I do not have a Mom with BPD, but my M-I-L is (undiagnosed) BPD, and I have known her for 42 years, and she sounds just like your Mom. I've always been amazed at how enmeshed she is with her children (and they are all in their 60's or 50's now!); she once told my husband (her 2nd oldest) that she was angry at him because he was supposed "to put your Mother first, and then your wife and kids!" I don't believe she's ever self-harmed, and that is a really sad and scary thing... . How have you been dealing with that? And your brother? Do you actually see your Mom very often?

I've found a few links to articles that I thought might be of interest to you:

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

Radical Acceptance for family members

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Has your Mom been diagnosed with BPD? Has she ever had therapy? Have you ever thought of going to a Therapist yourself? Lots of people here have found counseling to be very helpful and life-affirming. I'm here because of my adult son who was recently diagnosed with BPD, and I've been seeing a Therapist myself for the last few months and it has been very calming and helpful for me, emotionally. Please tell us more of what is going on with you... . It really does help 

[vivekananda]

Hi yelhsagoep 

Please let me welcome you to our site here. I am so glad you have found us, here is a safe place to learn about BPD and what we can do to improve our relationships with our loved ones. It must be a consistent strain on you to have to cope with your moms demands upon you. It is hard when at a time you want to feel supported by your mum, you feel that you are the one who has to support her.

BPD is a cruel disorder. It hurts everyone affected by it. Here we learn about what we can do to make our relationships better with our loved ones. Here we can find support and guidance. Rapt Reader has given you some helpful links that I hope will make things clearer for you. I would like to encourage you to explore the site there are many workshops and articles and such like. You will also find our boards where we discuss our concerns amongst our peers.

Does your mom put a lot of pressure on you with her role as grandmother?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[yelhsagoep]

Thanks for the response. My mother is starting an outpatient treatment today and being evaluated by a psych today. I mentioned to her that I feel strongly she has BPD but of course she is defensive. I think even if she were properly diagnosed with BPD that she would never admit it. Her father had it along with bipolar and she doesn't want to be labeled as "crazy" by her family.

I accept that I will never have the mother I wish I could have, she is not capable of it, just struggling to make her realize her requests/demands of my brother and myself are completely unrealistic. Not sure if we will ever get her to realize this because of how ill she is. Is there a way to get BPds to realize how their requests are unrealistic or are they never capable of seeing this due to the illness? I have a disabled son (3.5 years old) who requires 24/7 care and she still expects I put her first ahead of my son and husband.

[vivekananda]

Oh yelhsagoep, it is sad isn't it? I am so sorry that you not only can't have the granma for your son that you would want, you can't rely on your mum to be a support to you either. You sound to be a really intelligent, strong person yourself, so I have confidence that you will be able to 'manage' the situation with your mum and the boundaries you set in place.

I am glad your mum is being evaluated, hopefully that will lead to effective treatment. Recovery is possible and your mum is not yet too old to take advantage of it. At this stage, yes it is unlikely that she will accept a diagnosis of BPD. There is so much stigma attached to it, but perhaps this will change as she develops a relationship with her therapist. And if you are better able to learn about BPD and better implement the two tools we have in our tool box: validation and values based boundary setting, then you could contribute positively to her recovery.

You ask if there is a way to get people with BPD to realise their requests are unrealistic. That is probably the wrong question. The right question is more like 'how do I apply boundaries consistent with my values, to protect myself?'. You see in the first question, you want to 'change' your mum; in the second question you recognise you need to change yourself. I hope this isn't too blunt for you, have you read the link that Rapt Reader sent you about boundaries and upholding our values and independence?

Yelhsagoep, my mum has/had BPD, she is now 103 and has a form of dementia that isn't very nasty, it just means she forgets and doesn't think much. I had a difficult relationship with her all my life (until the dementia), different to yours though. Perhaps my mum was more high functioning. The thing is we now have a sound relationship and what I can tell you is that she has always loved me, I can see. So I feel confident in telling you that your mum loves you - it's just that BPD gets in the way of life.

On the boards we are able to discuss our concerns with our peers. It is through discussion on the boards that we can do our easiest learning. I have given you a link to the board below. I would like to encourage you to introduce yourself to the members of the board and raise your concerns there.

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

I normally hang out on the parent's board (my daughter has BPD), but I am a short message away if you want to ask me anything.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, again, yelhsagoep   

I hope you update us about how your Mom's appointment went today with the Psych and Outpatient Therapy. I hope she found it helpful and didn't balk... . If she decides she is willing to get help, there is a great chance that things can get better. And, Vivek  is right; your Mom does really love you~~the BPD just gets in the way!

I've read that people with BPD can sometimes see their symptoms and behaviors lessen as they get older... . Now, as I've said before, my own Mom doesn't have BPD, but she grew up with a Mom who probably did, and my Mom had some BPD traits when I was younger that lasted until about maybe 10 years ago (she is now almost 80). The older she got the easier our relationship became, until just this year where she is now the Mom I always wanted! It's really weird, but she cares about my troubles now (and actually is more interested and willing to listen to the problems of all us siblings in the family!), where in the past my biggest grievance with her was that she wouldn't even ask about my problems because she didn't want to hear it. From my earliest memories I felt ignored, invalidated and a lack of interest from my Mom. Now? She is the best Mom ever! Go figure... .

I hope things went well today for her (and by extension, you). Vivek  is exactly right: change the way you deal with her, and she will change the way she reacts to you. It may take time, but it will be worth it. And, yeah... . check out that Healing from a Relationship Board that Vivek  gave you the link for; everyone who posts there will understand your situation perfectly!