Munchausen by proxy in the workplace

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm so thrilled that my T figured this out.  I've been having issues at work, while I was not doing well with dealing with my ex during the break up, work was ok.  I did the bare minimum but didn't get in trouble, I survived being so mentally out to lunch that I could barely function.

As I got better, stronger, more capable, I started getting more interested in the job and taking on more responsibility.  That's when I started having issues with the lead.  She is smart, pretty, capable but she has this weird side to her.  Where I would get a task, I would just do it.  She on the other hand would go stomping into the bosses' office screeching about how there was not enough time or how dare they ask her, on and on, whine whine whine.  And then with much grievance she would do it, with mucho overtime and lots of talking to the boss about how hard this was and how much time it was taking.  Whatever.  Drama.

But as I got more competent, her focus would steadily be drawn to my work that was becoming more visible.  I did a very complex analysis of the recent conversion and did spend many hours on it.  My boss put me in for an award.  Feeling  good.  But the lead insists that everything is still a mess and when the annual whatever report was due, she didn't allow me to work on it, she hid it in a secret file and spent hours upon hours on it, all the while lamenting the data was a mess.  No it isn't, I fixed it.  But she has boss, boss's boss, our new org convinced that it is a mess.  Whatever.  Drama.

Lately though, she is pulling things away from me and giving to a coworker.  Never a good sign, right?  Hurtful to the ego, definitely.  She will attack me via email when I sent something out, she will write "Rose Tiger, I already told you about this and blah blah blah, you blah acch."  I think, nope we never discussed this, why does she think we did?  But she cc's the boss and coworkers to point out how stupid I am. 

I rack my brain on how to deal with it.  I usually respond with, the x to the y blah, without addressing her nonsense or I ignore it.  Just stick to the facts.  I was telling my T about all this.  She says get your resume out.  It's a bad economy though and there isn't a lot going on.  I tell her more of what is going on and she says, sounds like munchausen by proxy in the workplace.  BINGO.  That is exactly what she does, creates problems and then sweeps in to be the hero.  I am bad because I don't play the game, I see there really is no problem  That's why she is on my tail.  Knowledge is power and now I know the issue.  Just not sure how to deal with it... .


www.online.wsj.com/article/SB121960882331467103.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

[Rose Tiger]

I'm so thrilled that my T figured this out.  I've been having issues at work, while I was not doing well with dealing with my ex during the break up, work was ok.  I did the bare minimum but didn't get in trouble, I survived being so mentally out to lunch that I could barely function.

As I got better, stronger, more capable, I started getting more interested in the job and taking on more responsibility.  That's when I started having issues with the lead.  She is smart, pretty, capable but she has this weird side to her.  Where I would get a task, I would just do it.  She on the other hand would go stomping into the bosses' office screeching about how there was not enough time or how dare they ask her, on and on, whine whine whine.  And then with much grievance she would do it, with mucho overtime and lots of talking to the boss about how hard this was and how much time it was taking.  Whatever.  Drama.

But as I got more competent, her focus would steadily be drawn to my work that was becoming more visible.  I did a very complex analysis of the recent conversion and did spend many hours on it.  My boss put me in for an award.  Feeling  good.  But the lead insists that everything is still a mess and when the annual whatever report was due, she didn't allow me to work on it, she hid it in a secret file and spent hours upon hours on it, all the while lamenting the data was a mess.  No it isn't, I fixed it.  But she has boss, boss's boss, our new org convinced that it is a mess.  Whatever.  Drama.

Lately though, she is pulling things away from me and giving to a coworker.  Never a good sign, right?  Hurtful to the ego, definitely.  She will attack me via email when I sent something out, she will write "Rose Tiger, I already told you about this and blah blah blah, you blah acch."  I think, nope we never discussed this, why does she think we did?  But she cc's the boss and coworkers to point out how stupid I am. 

I rack my brain on how to deal with it.  I usually respond with, the x to the y blah, without addressing her nonsense or I ignore it.  Just stick to the facts.  I was telling my T about all this.  She says get your resume out.  It's a bad economy though and there isn't a lot going on.  I tell her more of what is going on and she says, sounds like munchausen by proxy in the workplace.  BINGO.  That is exactly what she does, creates problems and then sweeps in to be the hero.  I am bad because I don't play the game, I see there really is no problem  That's why she is on my tail.  Knowledge is power and now I know the issue.  Just not sure how to deal with it... .


www.online.wsj.com/article/SB121960882331467103.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

[mamachelle]

Wow. That article is great.    It's exactly what I'm dealing with in my work. I will send it to my boss.

I know what you mean though about being on auto pilot and then realizing something is wrong. Also when you have self awareness and come out of a fog only to see you have more of a mess that is now tied to your income. It is very hard.

Do you have a mentor at work? Can you discuss your concerns with anyone safe in another department? Since your boss likes you and gave you an award is there any chance you could talk with him about alternate additional assignments? 

My friend was able to get away from a difficult supervisor by transferring laterally rather than leaving the company entirely.

I also would look and see what other people's paths away from her have been- transfers? fired? leaving the company? Usually there is something in the company history and culture that can help guide you.


mamachelle

[Cumulus]

Great article Rose Tiger. Like you and mamachelle I have also had a work place incident this past week. I felt fortunate though that I was able to recognize what was happening and it was the first opportunity I have had to use some of the tools that I learned from this site. The coworker had escalated her complaint to her boss via email, I was ccd in the totally inappropriate email full of caps, exclamation points and put downs. I went in to talk to her boss who was siding with her because of her truly legitimate frustration with what had happened. The boss wanted to get everyone together to talk about what happened and how to prevent it in the future so this person wouldn't get so frustrated again. Well even a year ago I think I would have agreed with that, and yes without doubt the problem that arose needs to get fixed.  I felt the bigger issue was how the coworker chose to respond to the frustration. I suggested to the boss that the greatest need  was not to fix the issue but to give the coworker some help to handle how she expresses her frustration.

It left me feeling bad, once again feeling responsible for something that was not of my doing but at least I didn't show that to any one else. I would have before. And I was very careful not to treat her differently afterward, before I would have done the placating thing. Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

[mamachelle]

Well even a year ago I think I would have agreed with that, and yes without doubt the problem that arose needs to get fixed.  I felt the bigger issue was how the coworker chose to respond to the frustration. I suggested to the boss that the greatest need  was not to fix the issue but to give the coworker some help to handle how she expresses her frustration.

It left me feeling bad, once again feeling responsible for something that was not of my doing but at least I didn't show that to any one else. I would have before. And I was very careful not to treat her differently afterward, before I would have done the placating thing. Yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

This sounds really good... . except feeling that tinge of guilt... . which is unavoidable sometimes. 

It takes courage I think to respond the way you did and not either placate or roll your eyes at her ALL CAPS DRAMA.

It's so good when you feel safe to go to your boss and are listened to. 

[Rose Tiger]

Thank you both for the feedback.  It was a real lightbulb moment when my T came up with the issues.

I don't have any allies, the boss is kind of wambly putting me in for an award after hearing that everything is a mess.  Roll eyes.  I've been transferring her crazy emails into a file since work auto deletes old emails.  Save this, save this, ha ha.  Some of them are so cray cray.

Since I have no allies and whistle blowers do not fare well, I've been putting my energy into making contacts and saying things like, I am so ready for a challenge!  I think I have a possible resource for stretch assignments.  I'm not in any position to point fingers but hey, I've got a mortgage and a kiddo nearing college age, lots of self protection thoughts.  But once you know a person's MO, I have to make BIG issues so I am IMPORTANT, that makes it easier to go, ok you nutbar, go girl!  And not take it so personally.    She must, at all costs be the HERO.  Not a prob, I know when not to stick my foot in and point out, you are a psycho nutbar.  Rather to stay in the back ground and give the thumbs up.  Oy, mortgage and college, must focus on the goal.

[Suzn]

The boss wanted to get everyone together to talk about what happened and how to prevent it in the future so this person wouldn't get so frustrated again. Well even a year ago I think I would have agreed with that, and yes without doubt the problem that arose needs to get fixed.  I felt the bigger issue was how the coworker chose to respond to the frustration. I suggested to the boss that the greatest need  was not to fix the issue but to give the coworker some help to handle how she expresses her frustration.

Sounds like a wise boss and your response to this incident was a mature approach Columus.

Since I have no allies and whistle blowers do not fare well, I've been putting my energy into making contacts and saying things like, I am so ready for a challenge!  I think I have a possible resource for stretch assignments.  I'm not in any position to point fingers but hey, I've got a mortgage and a kiddo nearing college age, lots of self protection thoughts.

This is a mature attitude too. Rose time has a funny way of exposing things. This lady may not be able to hide her behavior forever. You know that saying "when you don't lie you don't have to remember anything?" Well, when you do lie... . you have to keep track. I think you are wise to stick it out. Have you heard of a book called "Crucial Conversations?" It may be helpful with your situation. Finding ways to deal with her directly may be worth your time in the long run. 

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks for the kudos Suzn.  The trick will be hanging in there long enough to get on board in another area.  She is so maddening.  She will set up meetings where we all cram into her office but she is never ready at the time she assigns because she is 'so busy'.  So we all end up standing outside her door for 10 minutes.  Games that useful idiots play.  Yesterday someone outside our group needed a document.  They sent an email to us both.  I am cozying up to this person, possible escape source so I want to send him the document.  I IM her asking if it's ok to send to him.  She emails him asking why he needs this document.  He responds with an attached email from corporate collecting these.  She sits on it without answering.  This is her MO.  She finally comes by where I sit later in the day and says, go ahead and send that item.  She likes this making people wait game very much and never fails to play because she is 'so busy'.  She constantly blows off deadlines because the task is SO difficult and then the emails start, hey are you almost done with this?  Can you send?  We have a deadline too and it is in 5 minutes.  She loves these situations where people are begging for her attention.  I try very hard to meet every deadline so I can write on my review, I meet deadlines but if she is involved, forget about it.

Yesterday she had a coworker set up a meeting to discuss an issue.  I called in to listen to the coworker trying to set up the meeting but she couldn't get her laptop to work, etc.  Lead walks by and angrily says why aren't you in the meeting, I reserved a room.  I say, I've called in.    I look at the meeting notice, for a meeting where all the participants are off site, she's reserved the executive conf room.     So her and coworker are sitting in this huge room all by their lonesomes.  I see one of the executives also called in versus joining her in there.  Heh heh.  Love it.  She goes into this long diatribe and an offsite tries to ask a question.  Lead says HOLD ON, I'm not finished.  So rude.  Since she is confusing the heck out of everyone, I'm IMing the key player, translating what wackjob is trying to say.  Lead throws in a couple zinger insults towards someone not even in our group, oh good job for when we need that person's help.  Too bad I can't record these things and put on youtube... .  

[Rose Tiger]

Researching Crucial Conversations... .

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kde9flV3OlE

I found that my experience with the ex is helpful, I use lots of validation. "I want to do this incredibly stupid thing", "oh ok, you want to do this incredibly stupid thing, I understand".  I use to say things like, you know, there is another way that you can... . but she cuts me off and says, no, that is wrong.  Uh, okey doke.  She has boss believing everything she says, and their dysfunctional r/s has been in place for many years.

I work to not JADE.  Telling her I had called in was explaining, I didn't think they would book a conf room to talk to offsite folks.     I would rather stick a fork in my eye than to be held captive by her in a conf room.  After the meeting ended, she kept coworker in that room for an hour.  No thank you! 

[Suzn]

I try very hard to meet every deadline so I can write on my review, I meet deadlines but if she is involved, forget about it.

This sounds like an opportunity. You want something here. How would you feel if you got it? Communication is a skill worth cultivating. We have some really good workshops right here, as you know, that might help you get what you want. Have you considered D.E.A.R.M.A.N. too?

This boss lady is the boss, for whatever reason, and I'm certain there is a reason. It sounds as though she is possibly unorganized and has few skills of her own in the communication dept. Bottom line you both have goals in the company, looking at this from another perspective, thinking of ways to help both of you to reach those goals may be helpful. It's really hard to set aside our assessments of a management style, I get that, I've been there with my boss, however it's possible. Who knows what she is dealing with in her personal life. Just a thought. I'm not saying to give into someone's every whim, however, consideration from you regarding other factors to her behavior is worthwhile. For you.

She also sounds high conflict and emotional. How do we handle these people/situations so that we aren't drawn in emotionally ourselves?

[Rose Tiger]

What really helps is to not take it personally.  That was something huge I overcame and still work to overcome.  It's so easy to slide into victim mentally, poor me, woe is me.  To turn that around to thinking, I have some choices here.  Other people have dealt with difficult bosses, it's a fact of life.  I know the lead's husband is not happy with the level of 'dedication' that the lead has for the position.  She cannot let it go.  Even on vacation, she is online.  Sometimes as late as 11 or 12 at night.  I read a book a few years back called one minute manager, about letting things go and assuming people will occasionally make a mess.  Learning to be ok with that, when you let things go, it opens you up for higher things, to be able to move up the ladder.  I know the program mgr is not happy with her, she gets into the techs business, going over their variance reports and re-writes them.  He has told our boss he wants that to stop.  She can't let it go.  What she has done to me a couple times is a task will come out, due in 2 weeks.  She tells me, do not work on it, I will do it.  Then ONE HOUR before it is due, she will ask me to go ahead and do it.  There is no check or balance on her activities, the boss is a bit of a milk toast, doesn't take charge, let's her do these things without any feedback.  More on this later... .

[Rose Tiger]

My T said that I need to find something that is mine to feel good about at work and luckily, I do have that.  The lead is pretty much hands off on the software I use on my job.  I have taken every training I could, built relationships with the group that admins this software, gotten higher and higher accesses so I could do more myself versus a third party.  And this is skill that is becoming more in high demand with the corporation.  So.  I gots something!

Thinking about when I got hired, this group worked in an isolated building... . like the island of misfit toys.  Like Survivor show with no new influx of blood.  I wonder how this group ended up like this, taken away from the main building and set up in isolation.  Could it have been a situation where someone said, get her out of here, away from the general population and put her in solitary?  The new director has some history... . boss told me that the newly appointed director has some bad history with lead.  And he doesn't understand the director's dislike of her.  I'm all, hmmm, that's interesting.  Newly appointed director is the one who interviewed and hired me a few years back.  Possible allie?  Probably not.  But knowing that he understands the dynamics, that is a plus.

I feel like I'm working in a soap opera.  Hoping I can last long enough to get with another group.

[Rose Tiger]

Frick and frack.  I asked the boss if it was ok to offer to do stretch assignments for another lead to learn the new processes.  He said he was fine with that.  I tell other lead, hey I'm looking for a challenge if there is anything I can do to help out.  She says, great, yes there is something.  She goes to my boss and says, I'd like Rose Tiger's help on X.  He says her no.  Tells me, I don't know where she got that idea.  And if I have that sort of time, I should support our lead more. Cuss word. 

Sure enough, my email starts filling with busy work from our lead of total crap tasks.  He must of told her and she had a fit, he is whipped and told the other lead no because our lead is psycho nutz.  It is unsaid but very clear, we are not to speak to other lead because our lead hates her, so therefore we must hate her, too.

Tried.  Got screwed again.  These people are pure evil. 

[mamachelle]

I'm so sorry to hear that.  Yeah my situation has not really changed much either. Now boxes are appearing in the warehouse with a label that says "need to sort through" instead of no label which is basically the same thing. I've had to intervene a few times on things that one of my 2 employees concocted that made a mountain out of a mole hill. At least I am in a position of power but I have 6 kids and am not looking for a change as my job is good for where I am in my life.

It sounds like you were doing the right things. I don't know the best way to fix these corporate power issues. My friend that has a similar situation to you and no kids or big financial obligations and just decided to go back to school get her MBA that her job partly paid for and also she takes all her vacation days and goes overseas and does yoga and has friends and basically just lives her life. She is not looking to get ahead so much as she needs the job and health insurance and some of the folks there she likes.

mamachelle

[Rose Tiger]

   Had myself a nice little pity party over the whole thing.  When we moved from the island of misfits toys into this building, I applied for a job opening, right before the telephone interview, boss and crazy lead tell me that star employee is also interviewing.  Not one of our stars but a big player.  Who does that to someone about to interview?  My boss and crazy lead.  Star employee got the job and wanted me to work for her.  Big boss asks my boss, if Rose works for Star, would you have to hire a replacement?  Boss says yes and there went that opp.  Then Star asked her boss if she could bring me onto her team, he said no to that.  Other lead was excited about me supporting her.  It's not like everyone thinks I'm worthless.  It's just thing after thing gets brick walled.

I was looking at my 401k and thinking, I could pull that out if I absolutely can't take it anymore.  And then I emailed my boss about this last snafu, saying that he gave the green light and obviously didn't mean it.  I said, I'm going to need some guidance on what is ok to pursue and what is off limits.  Said it nicer than that but it was a step towards, hey!  Not cool!  He gave me some run around answer that supporting both leads would be too many hours but he put me in for a stretch assignment with the big boss.  We'll see if that pans out.  My boss laments to me about everyone can't stand crazy lead but he doesn't do anything about it.  He is counting the days to retirement and I hope crazy lead goes with him.  It would be like a dark cloud leaving the building.  She is one of those back stabbing, gossip, seethers.  Coworker needed to ask Star a question about something, took 3 steps and actually said, I can't talk to her, lead would get mad and went back to her cube.  What a bunch of hooey!  To be scared to talk to someone that you need to talk to so you can do your job.  Crazy!