Can't stand the pain anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just discovered this website last week. I can't deal with the pain and this disorder anymore. I read and read all of the pain these people cause and it just makes me sad and angry. My soon to be ex husband has all of these traits and more.

I caught him cheating on me in February and he is so angry I caught him. No apologies  or sorrow for the betrayal, just shear anger he got caught and people now know who he is. He is not the Nice guy he has always appeared to be. JIG is up.

Now he hates me and has made my life hell. He refuses to talk to me and work things out. I fear his unstablilty and rage. I loved my husband I married and he is now dead to me. I have this raging hateful monster to deal with who is hiding behind his lawyer, the court and his new girlfriend he lives with.

At times, it is just to much. He has gotten away with so much and is totally unaffected by all of the pain he has caused. I don't care about his suffering. He had no right to hurt me and my family and my friends the way he has.

I will divorce by this fall. In February I was madly  in love with my husband. He has left us high and dry emotionally and financially. I soo miss the good guy I married and can't stand the monster he has become.

Everyone says " Karma is a b... . ", I don't really care because it is not taking away any of the present pain. When I have to go to court or look at court papers concerning the upcoming divorce it brings me to tears.

[So hurt]

I just discovered this website last week. I can't deal with the pain and this disorder anymore. I read and read all of the pain these people cause and it just makes me sad and angry. My soon to be ex husband has all of these traits and more.

I caught him cheating on me in February and he is so angry I caught him. No apologies  or sorrow for the betrayal, just shear anger he got caught and people now know who he is. He is not the Nice guy he has always appeared to be. JIG is up.

Now he hates me and has made my life hell. He refuses to talk to me and work things out. I fear his unstablilty and rage. I loved my husband I married and he is now dead to me. I have this raging hateful monster to deal with who is hiding behind his lawyer, the court and his new girlfriend he lives with.

At times, it is just to much. He has gotten away with so much and is totally unaffected by all of the pain he has caused. I don't care about his suffering. He had no right to hurt me and my family and my friends the way he has.

I will divorce by this fall. In February I was madly  in love with my husband. He has left us high and dry emotionally and financially. I soo miss the good guy I married and can't stand the monster he has become.

Everyone says " Karma is a b... . ", I don't really care because it is not taking away any of the present pain. When I have to go to court or look at court papers concerning the upcoming divorce it brings me to tears.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time - these breakups can bring up all sorts of conflicting emotions.

Like with any trauma, take good care of you during all of this.  Do you happen to have a T to help with the grief of a divorce?

[obtunded]

I keep telling mysefl, "this is the worst of it" and once I'm past the "divorcing" stage, things will continue to get better. They already have, even in the first month of her leaving. I sometimes wish she had an affair (like my previous wife did) just to make it easier for me to detach and go my own way. Our dysfunction was strictly due to her feelings of "not being equal" to me (whatever that means, I never made any decision without telling her and always allowed her input) and her feelings of "emptiness" - an affair is something I could direct my anger towards and not feel any kind of mixed feelings... . it was easy leaving my previous marriage... . this one is just a complete mind twist of emotions and feelings and a total inability to communicate... . so frustrating.

I'm sorry if I got off track of your situation, but my point was to tell you that THIS is the worst of it. It gets better and I'm sure many other will tell you the same. Hang in there and don't allow yourself to be manipulated into something that you know is going to go wrong again. Talk to a therapist that understands BPD. Use your support system (friends, family). Don't neglect yourself.

One of the things that helped me was to re-read her texts and email messages. Save everything. If I thought for one minute that I was truly missing her and feeling as if I should try and reconcile, I would read the things she said, the childish behavior and complete misinterpretation of my feelings/actions, the blaming and playing the victim - it helped to remind me of what I need to do. She will NEVER get what I'm trying to say to her, she will never FEEL the same as I do... . I understand that now and I know I cannot continue to feel anything for her. I care because she is the mother of our children and I hope she can find stability in her life so they don't suffer... . I have my doubts... . this BPD crap has got to be one of the worst things a person can experience, but you are not alone, as I found out by coming here.

[Perfidy]

I too am sorry that you are having so much pain. I am also having a significant amount of it. It is getting slightly better and being part of this forum is helping me. I am going to say that looking at myself in the relationship has been the turning point of my suffering. I still have plenty of anger and resentment. I too feel completely betrayed. It was an act of perfidy. Deliberate and precise. Intended to harm me. The act of a predator. PwBPD see only themselves. To them you are seen as an object that has something that they need. Your feelings will never be considered. I felt as though my ex must have thought that I was dead. When the end unraveled I was shocked beyond belief. She was living a really messed up lie to me. I still cannot believe that this person I was with for so many years was capable of betraying someone that cared so much for her.


Post a lot and read the stuff here. Much truth and wisdom from these hurt souls.

[cska]

So hurt I'm so terribly sorry 

I know how much it hurts, just 2 days ago I was in so much unbearable pain, I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. If it wasn't for this site I would have gone mad.

What your husband did to you is horrible, he doesn't deserve any space in your head. You can do so much better than him, there are plenty of men who will never dream of cheating on you.

When I'm in pain, I watch a lot of movies, to keep my emotions from filling up my head. Also, talking to people on BPD Family is a life saver, because here people understand what we're going through. Keep posting, we're here for you!

Hang in there, I'm sending you a virtual bear hug 

[sadinnc98]

Also sending hugs to you because I totally understand what you are going through. I echo the sentiment that this site has saved my sanity. I hurt to the core... today has been terrible but I am trying to get through it... minute by minute... . We are all here for you!

[So hurt]

Thank you to all. I do see a therapist who has helped me a lot. I was really, really upset with her because she never clued me into BPD at all. Nothing made any sense to me at all in regards to his behavior.

Our mutual primary care is the one who made me aware that he has a personality disorder. I know his for a fact his daughter has it. She made our lives a living hell. I figured out she had BPD 5 years ago.

Now when I look at his relationship with her and how I was in the middle and his ex wife was a horror show also, I now realized he was making triangles between all of us and I never saw it.

The way his ex and daughter treated me was horrid and I never did anything to deserve it other than give him a place to live and get back on his feet. He was totally back on his feet this past winter only to realize he was using me and my house as a backup to eventually leave. He banked a lot of money this winter and was never ever around. Between working and cheating he kept very busy.

I have been so blindsided by this. I never, ever saw it coming. He went out of state to look for work and took his bar room girlfriend with him. I caught him by intuition. Listening to my gut and looking though the phone numbers. He began his affair in January while I was on vacation with  my daughter and family.

I caught him in February and he moved in with a different woman in March. He spent thousands on her while we had no money, floods in the basement and one of the worst winters ever.

Now he is trying to manipulate me and beat me up through the courts and his lawyer. I hope to be divorced soon. it has been so painful and time consuming to get back on my feet while dealing withhis antics and court.

I am doing better than I was in February and just keep trying to rebuild our lives without him.

Thank God for this website. Everyone here has been so helpful and really understands what is going on. They are predators that destroy other people's life to meet their own selfish needs. From this website I have learned that their needs a re never met. I am lucky to have found out, as painful as it is, I can't live or be married to a man that cheats and lives two lives. It is too sick for me to deal with. Thanks.

[ucmeicu2]

Thank God for this website. Everyone here has been so helpful and really understands what is going on. They are predators that destroy other people's life to meet their own selfish needs. From this website I have learned that their needs a re never met. I am lucky to have found out, as painful as it is, I can't live or be married to a man that cheats and lives two lives. It is too sick for me to deal with. Thanks.

hi sohurt, this really struck a chord with me.  it was horrifying for me, trying to fill my xBPDgf's love needs, only to realize they could NEVER be met.  like a bottomless pit.  like a black hole.  i gave and gave and gave til it hurt and it still was never enough.

i've been NC for 5 months now and the crazy thing is that sometimes i still want to give and give!  i miss her smiling face.  i guess i was addicted to her love and approval.  <shrug>