Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A book that I'm reading right now, that has daily thoughts on detachment/letting go is called: "Let go now; embracing detachment (Set boundaries and make your life your own)" by Karen Casey.  I have found great comfort in this book, maybe it will be one that will help others here as well. 

Faith !

Just ordered the  book. 

/Careman

[careman]

A book that I'm reading right now, that has daily thoughts on detachment/letting go is called: "Let go now; embracing detachment (Set boundaries and make your life your own)" by Karen Casey.  I have found great comfort in this book, maybe it will be one that will help others here as well. 

Faith !

Just ordered the  book. 

/Careman

[Wendell]

careman,

I'm so glad you were able to order it!  I read from it each morning and have found it very helpful and inspiring.  I'm in the best place I've been at in years now and I really believe that embracing detachment and letting go of controlling everyone/everything else has been the key.  All I can do in my life is control my own actions and decisions, it makes for a happier life for me, letting go and enjoying living in the moment. 

Take care and thanks again! 

[recoil]

I wanted to thank you for recommending that book.  I too purchased it.  I have already learned a lot of things from reading it and look forward to implementing some of the changes I see I need to make in myself.

I can really relate to the author.  Especially in defining my value based on the reactions of others.  Wow.  I had to write that paragraph down when I read it.

[Wendell]

recoil,

I'm glad that you found the book helpful as well.  I wanted to mention another one I read daily that is by the author who wrote "Co-Dependent No More", Melody Beattie.  It's called "More Language of Letting Go".  It has 365 daily meditations which are faith-based and focus on having healthy connections with the people in our lives.  This has also been a book that has offered me much guidance and support.  

Peace to you!  

[careman]

careman,

I'm so glad you were able to order it!  I read from it each morning and have found it very helpful and inspiring.  I'm in the best place I've been at in years now and I really believe that embracing detachment and letting go of controlling everyone/everything else has been the key.  All I can do in my life is control my own actions and decisions, it makes for a happier life for me, letting go and enjoying living in the moment. 

Take care and thanks again! 

Faith !

Book just arrived. Have been reading the posts of member 2010, and still do. There is 799 of them. HIGHLY recommended !

/Careman

[Wendell]

Hi Careman,

I'm so glad it came, you will find a lot of comfort in it.  I highly recommend the one I told recoil about also... .  More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. That one has been such a good resource for me as well.  

Take care!  

[careman]

Hi Careman,

I'm so glad it came, you will find a lot of comfort in it.  I highly recommend the one I told recoil about also... .  More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. That one has been such a good resource for me as well.  

Take care!  

[healingmyheart]

Careman,

Thank you for caring enough to post what you did.  I sure needed to hear it right now while I'm struggling with maintaining NC. 

[mango_flower]

This first part confuses me quite a bit, as I feel that my ex attached too much - she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and said part of me was missing when she wasn't there... .  but I guess it wasn't a healthy attachment, as it was suddenly not needed when she had made an attachment to somebody new!

For me, detaching is taking ages... .  some days I do better than others - still not there yet!

It helps when she acts like a complete (insert swear word of your choice here!), as it helps me to understand that she isn't the person I knew and loved... .  

I have hidden her on facebook, but sometimes take a sneaky peak (which I know is frowned upon!) but it helps quite a bit, as she is acting like such an idiot!

[healingmyheart]

Btw, does anyone know who member 2010 is or at least his/her background... .  psychologist?  Very informative... .  

[doubleAries]

Yes, awesome!

I think this is similar to something my T also finally pounded into my pointy little head (he is also a BPD specialist). He explained over and over until I got it that my husband (bipolar/psychotic features/ASPD/NPD) is simply not capable of the genuine and sincere emotional interaction required in an intimate relationship. Sure, he's a jerk sometimes--after all I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't even understand, let alone why. From his perspective, I'm trying to make him feel incompetent and insecure about himself. So yeah--he's defensive and rude.

NOTE TO SELF: he's not capable of the sincere and genuine emotional interaction required in an intimate relationship.

Trying to MAKE him be is akin to smashing myself in the face with a brick over and over and over.

[have gone nc]

My first BPD relationship caused me a nervous breakdown.

In my second i could feel it coming, that was when i stopped it. My own self defense kicked in and told me it was time becuase there was no hop and i would end up back where i vowed i would never go again.

Part of my is proud of myself for this but I knew from day one and now I beat myself up over the fact I didnt trust my gut feelings, or walk away from day one when all the red flags were not only there but slapping me square in the forehead.

My T says I am emotionally healthy but i don't trust myself enough. Both times I had that gut feeling but I ignored it because I do not have enough belief in me and my wants and needs. I put theirs first.

[careman]

This first part confuses me quite a bit, as I feel that my ex attached too much - she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and said part of me was missing when she wasn't there... .  but I guess it wasn't a healthy attachment, as it was suddenly not needed when she had made an attachment to somebody new!

For me, detaching is taking ages... .  some days I do better than others - still not there yet!

It helps when she acts like a complete (insert swear word of your choice here!), as it helps me to understand that she isn't the person I knew and loved... .  

I have hidden her on facebook, but sometimes take a sneaky peak (which I know is frowned upon!) but it helps quite a bit, as she is acting like such an idiot!

Mango !

As I have come to understand, reading here on the boards, and books, and my T, a pwBPD does not attach in the meaning of the word given by the attachment between two healthy people. A pwBPD is empty inside ('I have a big empty hole inside' and the depth with which we functional people attach just doesn't exist inside our pwBPD. We may feel a deep attachment ( I certainly did - in episodes ), but they don't. Their BPD-attachment is more like looking to satisfying their needs, using us to that end - be it safety/security, be it not feeling alone/aboandonned, be it validation, be it... .  what not.

When the 'attachment' wording in the original post is concerned, it is the 'healthy' meaning that is alluded to.

/Careman

[careman]

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