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Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
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Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
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Topic: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating (Read 1087 times)
careman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #30 on:
February 14, 2013, 02:06:47 PM »
Quote from: faith2heal on February 03, 2013, 01:36:27 PM
A book that I'm reading right now, that has daily thoughts on detachment/letting go is called: "Let go now; embracing detachment (Set boundaries and make your life your own)" by Karen Casey. I have found great comfort in this book, maybe it will be one that will help others here as well.
Faith !
Just ordered the book.
/Careman
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Wendell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 31
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #31 on:
February 14, 2013, 07:32:53 PM »
careman,
I'm so glad you were able to order it! I read from it each morning and have found it very helpful and inspiring. I'm in the best place I've been at in years now and I really believe that embracing detachment and letting go of controlling everyone/everything else has been the key. All I can do in my life is control my own actions and decisions, it makes for a happier life for me, letting go and enjoying living in the moment.
Take care and thanks again!
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recoil
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Posts: 259
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #32 on:
February 14, 2013, 07:42:46 PM »
I wanted to thank you for recommending that book. I too purchased it. I have already learned a lot of things from reading it and look forward to implementing some of the changes I see I need to make in myself.
I can really relate to the author. Especially in defining my value based on the reactions of others. Wow. I had to write that paragraph down when I read it.
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Wendell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 31
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #33 on:
February 14, 2013, 09:15:19 PM »
recoil,
I'm glad that you found the book helpful as well. I wanted to mention another one I read daily that is by the author who wrote "Co-Dependent No More", Melody Beattie. It's called "More Language of Letting Go". It has 365 daily meditations which are faith-based and focus on having healthy connections with the people in our lives. This has also been a book that has offered me much guidance and support.
Peace to you!
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careman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #34 on:
March 05, 2013, 10:58:09 AM »
Quote from: faith2heal on February 14, 2013, 07:32:53 PM
careman,
I'm so glad you were able to order it! I read from it each morning and have found it very helpful and inspiring. I'm in the best place I've been at in years now and I really believe that embracing detachment and letting go of controlling everyone/everything else has been the key. All I can do in my life is control my own actions and decisions, it makes for a happier life for me, letting go and enjoying living in the moment.
Take care and thanks again!
Faith !
Book just arrived. Have been reading the posts of member 2010, and still do. There is 799 of them. HIGHLY recommended !
/Careman
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Wendell
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 31
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #35 on:
March 05, 2013, 11:34:15 AM »
Hi Careman,
I'm so glad it came, you will find a lot of comfort in it. I highly recommend the one I told recoil about also... . More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. That one has been such a good resource for me as well.
Take care!
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careman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #36 on:
March 11, 2013, 04:05:13 PM »
Quote from: faith2heal on March 05, 2013, 11:34:15 AM
Hi Careman,
I'm so glad it came, you will find a lot of comfort in it. I highly recommend the one I told recoil about also... . More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. That one has been such a good resource for me as well.
Take care!
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healingmyheart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 278
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #37 on:
March 11, 2013, 06:04:10 PM »
Careman,
Thank you for caring enough to post what you did. I sure needed to hear it right now while I'm struggling with maintaining NC.
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mango_flower
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 704
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #38 on:
March 11, 2013, 06:16:08 PM »
This first part confuses me quite a bit, as I feel that my ex attached too much - she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and said part of me was missing when she wasn't there... . but I guess it wasn't a healthy attachment, as it was suddenly not needed when she had made an attachment to somebody new!
For me, detaching is taking ages... . some days I do better than others - still not there yet!
It helps when she acts like a complete (insert swear word of your choice here!), as it helps me to understand that she isn't the person I knew and loved... .
I have hidden her on facebook, but sometimes take a sneaky peak (which I know is frowned upon!) but it helps quite a bit, as she is acting like such an idiot!
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healingmyheart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 278
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #39 on:
March 11, 2013, 07:25:07 PM »
Btw, does anyone know who member 2010 is or at least his/her background... . psychologist? Very informative... .
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doubleAries
Retired Staff
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 1134
the key to my destiny is me
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #40 on:
March 11, 2013, 10:04:37 PM »
Yes, awesome!
I think this is similar to something my T also finally pounded into my pointy little head (he is also a BPD specialist). He explained over and over until I got it that my husband (bipolar/psychotic features/ASPD/NPD) is simply not capable of the genuine and sincere emotional interaction required in an intimate relationship. Sure, he's a jerk sometimes--after all I'm pushing him to do something he doesn't even understand, let alone
why
. From his perspective, I'm trying to make him feel incompetent and insecure about himself. So yeah--he's defensive and rude.
NOTE TO SELF: he's not capable of the sincere and genuine emotional interaction required in an intimate relationship.
Trying to MAKE him be is akin to smashing myself in the face with a brick over and over and over.
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We must come to know we are more than anyone's opinion--including our own
have gone nc
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 173
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #41 on:
March 11, 2013, 11:15:47 PM »
My first BPD relationship caused me a nervous breakdown.
In my second i could feel it coming, that was when i stopped it. My own self defense kicked in and told me it was time becuase there was no hop and i would end up back where i vowed i would never go again.
Part of my is proud of myself for this but I knew from day one and now I beat myself up over the fact I didnt trust my gut feelings, or walk away from day one when all the red flags were not only there but slapping me square in the forehead.
My T says I am emotionally healthy but i don't trust myself enough. Both times I had that gut feeling but I ignored it because I do not have enough belief in me and my wants and needs. I put theirs first.
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careman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #42 on:
March 19, 2013, 03:37:15 PM »
Quote from: mango_flower on March 11, 2013, 06:16:08 PM
This first part confuses me quite a bit, as I feel that my ex attached too much - she wouldn't let me out of her sight, and said part of me was missing when she wasn't there... . but I guess it wasn't a healthy attachment, as it was suddenly not needed when she had made an attachment to somebody new!
For me, detaching is taking ages... . some days I do better than others - still not there yet!
It helps when she acts like a complete (insert swear word of your choice here!), as it helps me to understand that she isn't the person I knew and loved... .
I have hidden her on facebook, but sometimes take a sneaky peak (which I know is frowned upon!) but it helps quite a bit, as she is acting like such an idiot!
Mango !
As I have come to understand, reading here on the boards, and books, and my T, a pwBPD does not attach in the meaning of the word given by the attachment between two healthy people. A pwBPD is empty inside ('I have a big empty hole inside' and the depth with which we functional people attach just doesn't exist inside our pwBPD. We may feel a deep attachment ( I certainly did - in episodes ), but they don't. Their BPD-attachment is more like looking to satisfying their needs, using us to that end - be it safety/security, be it not feeling alone/aboandonned, be it validation, be it... . what not.
When the 'attachment' wording in the original post is concerned, it is the 'healthy' meaning that is alluded to.
/Careman
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careman
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213
Re: Sharing what helped me to detach - normal vs disordered relating
«
Reply #43 on:
August 06, 2013, 12:15:42 PM »
,
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