I'm not getting any contact... yet so many are here

[Anikaca77]

I'm really starting to think my situation must be different from a lot of people on this board.  From what I've been reading it seems the exBPD is always trying to reconnect with people but for me it's totally different.  He moved on very quickly of course... . because she offered him a place to go with all of our cats.  Yet... . in April we were trying to decide where we could move that we could afford and yet he wasn't willing or trying to sell anything to bring some money into the house.  He met this chick through Facebook... . I kinda hate Facebook for that reason but still use it... . he had an emotional affair with her 2 years ago and we tried to get back together but it just didn't work and now he's down there with her 3 states away from me.  I don't know what kind of women does that other than she must have BPD too or something.  She came up met him Friday night and slept with him and Saturday they drove down to TN.  He wouldn't tell me where he was going or anything until a week later he finally told me his address and I knew where he was.  I've been in contact briefly with him... . at first it was every couple days because I was so upset and thought that I still loved him and I'm sure there is going to be a part of me that will always love him regardless of what he has done but I'm not angry... . not upset... . not in denial... . I did try to bargin with him to come back but he won't... . so I've accepted that and I'm trying to move on.  It's hard when he left me with so much debt to support him over the 2 years he wasn't working and all he has is a retirement account that he can't really touch except once a year.  He hasn't tried to really call me at all or e-mail me.  It's like he's hooked onto her and will only reply to me if I ask him a question or something.  I try now just to stick with talking about the cats... . today actually marks 1 month since I've seen him or my cats.  I've been just talking with a guy online briefly... . I told him I would need to take things slow if we did click... . I just need time yet.  It's getting better though, I'm not crying as much... . maybe that's because my brother and his wife just lost a baby at 22 weeks so my problem isn't fresh in my head like my nephew.  I was so looking forward to being an Aunt but hopefully I will be someday.  I need to start making myself feed good again and I'm trying to get a second job to help so I can get out of my parent's place soon.  I think once I go no contact with him it will be best but I'm still tied to my cats.  I love them all very much and I miss them.  I don't think I really miss him anymore.  She is his problem now and she can support him and take care of him like I did for the past 2 years and see how it works out.  I would have taken him back but now... . there has been too much pain and hurting for me.

[Learning_curve74]

I think it will be easier to work on our own issues when our BPDexes are leaving us alone. That's really where us nons need to focus our time and energies instead of worrying about somebody that doesn't really care about us and abused us. It will get better! 

[Want2know]

I agree with learning curve.  It is time to focus on you. 

Many times the ex's will contact us when they want something, so it's better he isn't contacting you, as you certainly gave him enough.

I know missing your cats must be hard.  This may sound trivial, but would your parents let you get a kitten where you are now?  Pets can be so good to turn to when you are stressed or lonely.

[bpdspell]

I think I kinda get what you're feeling.

You're feeling that because your ex hasn't contacted you it triggers your feelings of low self-worth.  You're thinking: why did he pick her and not me? Why am I not important enough to be contacted?

You aren't alone in feeling that contact from them means they miss or care about us; but this isn't true. Your worth has nothing to do with whether your ex contacts you are not. Your worth lives in you and no one can give it to you except you.

You are still feeling raw because understanding BPD is a huge learning curve but contact from them is not validation. Contact from them means nothing more than what the relationship has already revealed itself to be: toxic.

My ex broke up with me to test out his new replacement and it left me stunned and devastated. Two weeks later he makes contact and I allowed him to steamroll me with his typical entitled neediness. He didn't even apologize for his betrayal. Instead he blamed me for his cheating! Yep. Totally my fault that I didn't want to please his every whim.

Here I am... . wanting to believe that I contact meant he wanted to changed because he missed me only to find out he contacted me because my replacement didn't satisfy him. Do you really want to be contacted by a person who only cares about what he can get out of you? Do you really envy a woman who's now sleeping with the man who took from you financially, never worked, and expected you to be his surrogate mother?

Count your blessings and do your best to make the effort to shift your perspective. Our BPD ex's are no prize in the big scheme of things. They are a handful. A relationship with a borderline is one where we are self-sacrificing ourselves and putting ourselves on the back burner to be loved by emotional children.

In time you will see that you deserve so much more.

Contact cannot validate you; only you can validate yourself by cutting the cord for good.

Spell

[Anikaca77]

I do have 4 cats that I was allowed to bring with me so it was better than nothing, I just miss all the other ones esp. ones I have raised since they were a tiny kitten.  It just seems like I seem to be moving quickly through this process... . like I want to go out and meet this guy and see how things are... . he did tell me he's looking for a relationship but I told him I would like to take it very slow just because of getting out of this relationship.

Although it does depend on if he likes cats or not because if he doesn't then out the door

[seeking balance]

Anikacaca77,

Just because he doesn't contact you does not mean his feelings for you were any less intense than any other relationship... . his coping behavior is simply different.

Many folks never hear again or hear from them YEARS later, not days or months.

Tying our own worth on whether someone else likes us or contacts us is a very slippery slope and can lead to really chaotic relationships.  I do hope you take the time to look within and let yourself heal from this.

Peace,

SB

[Moonie75]

I look at it like this. They do love. And when they do it's total love overload on a level we don't understand. Their love is so intense in them that they simply can't manage it & that's when all the 'acting out' is triggered.

The more wonky they behave towards you, the deeper their love. They just aren't managing it in the healthy reciprocating ways we would.

Maybe i'm kidding myself but I like to think the worse you get it signifies the more loved you were.

Just a thought I use to cope.   

[huhhuh]

Same here. Not getting any contact at all. It just feels terrible that I can't get any validation at all. Seems like our relationship never existed for her. I guess I should be happy that I can restart my life without the drama, but some kind of validation would have been nice.

[Octoberfest]

Same here. Not getting any contact at all. It just feels terrible that I can't get any validation at all. Seems like our relationship never existed for her. I guess I should be happy that I can restart my life without the drama, but some kind of validation would have been nice.

I have thought the exact same way as you; and gone even farther, contacting my BPDex and phishing for some sort of validation, for her to say something that would make me feel like I was truly worth something, that she missed me, whatever.

For a few reasons, we CANNOT rely on our BPDex's for validation.

1. Ask yourself WHY you seek or would want validation from someone who treated you so poorly? In my case, someone who cheated on me and lied to me start to finish of our 9 month relationship.

2. Know that they will say WHATEVER to get what they want, when they want it.  They do not operate with boundaries.  My BPDex called me baby in a few text messages months after we broke up and while she was with and possibly engaged to another guy.

3. Validation doesn't count for much coming from an emotional child.  They simply do not have the depth that we do when it comes to loving people.  They love the way we make them feel much more so than who we are.  That hurts to hear, but it is true.  That doesn't mean that they didn't love us for who we are, I certainly believe mine did, but how we were able to make them feel came first without a doubt. 

Validation MUST come from within ourselves.  Tonight on my run I was thinking about this... .

Bottom line, SHE made choices.

She made a choice to cheat like she did

She made a choice to lie like she did

She made a choice to behave the way that she did

She set the bar for that relationship, and she set it low.  No one made her do the things she did.

I on the other hand was faithful and true.  I can rest easy knowing that I was genuine in loving her; it is not my fault that she CHOSE to be a liar and a cheater.  I can live with myself because I did things right, even if she didn't.  I CANNOT IMAGINE having to live with the guilt I would have if I had done similar things to her, regardless of if she was doing them back or not.  I think they have a great amount of shame too; but they have ways of repressing it. 

And so the flaming ferris wheel spins... .