getting through the night...

[isseeu]

Just when I think I'm getting a grip... .

I don't know if this is the silent treatment or if my (now strongly suspected) BPD ex? boyfriend is through with the relationship. 

As I wrote in my original post, after 2+ years of wonderful, loving times with family, friends and each other, my bf began getting slightly moody and I was given the silent treatment 3 or four times, never lasting too long, over the last 4 months.  We always came through it, there was never anger.

We went away over fourth of July weekend and had a fantastic first few days-exploring, watching fireworks wrapped in each others arms... but the next day, things started to go south.  He got quiet, anxious, and suffice it to say the trip ended two days later with some very ugly things being said by him to me, even though I remained calm and concerned.  I still can not figure out what triggered his anger but once it started, he couldn't stop.  His parting words to me were "I've loved you since ninth grade but I got to know you and you're like all the rest"  "we're done!"  broke my heart... .   at that point I lashed back and he walked off.  I've never been pushed to that point before.

So, it's now been over a month.  I've reached out via text asking to talk or see him briefly-the only responses are to factual things.  At the beginning of the breakup (or whatever it is) I sent him a picture of my sister who was in town and he wrote back "she's beautiful like you."  He also dropped off a gorgeous piece of furniture he had been refinishing for me-he did that while I was not home.  Now he's not responding to anything, but last night I came home and he had left a pair of athletic shoes of mine on my back porch.  I'm close to his daughter and texted him a sweet photo she had sent me, nothing.  Before I met him, he had not communicated with his two girls for four years.  They credit his ability to reconnect with them to his relationship with me.

I'm trying to learn, to stay strong, and I'll be seeing a therapist on Monday.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  The thought that I may never have the chance to see or talk to him again is unbearable.  Tonight is awful... .

We don't have a pattern of angry breakups (only one very brief one in early May because he said he was overwhelmed and needed to get his life together - and would call me when he felt better-lasted less than 2 weeks and it was just sad, no anger).  Would it be unusual for a BPD to really end things in a situation like this where everything had been so (outwardly anyway) great?  I know that in his last marriage, he said they would sometimes go months without talking-but I'm not married to him.

I also don't know if I should keep sending him "I'm out here and care about you" type messages, or if they are making things worse. 

Thanks for your thoughts... .

[Validation78]

Hi isseeu!

I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you right now. If your bf is a pwBPD, there will be many times like this, and they may become even more stressful especially  if you don't understand the typical BPD behaviors.

Sounds like what you are experiencing now is what is known as push/pull. pwBPD at the core, fear abandonment yet, when they feel an initmate bond, push people away because they "know" that eventually, they will be abandoned. Yes, it's a self fullfilling prophecy, very confusing to us. Often, after they push us away, we try to pull them back, and the dynamic goes around and around. Hard as it may be, you are probably best off to let him be. pwBPD often do not know how to self soothe, and allowing him to do so in his own time is healthy for both of you. In the meantime, live your life and take care of yourself and your needs. Let things play out the way they are meant to play out. I know this sounds hard, and it is. However, you cannot control this situation, nor his behaviors.

You may benefit from taking a look at The Lessons on The Staying Board. The site is full of helpful information about BPD and communication tools for folks who want to sustain a relationship with a pwBPD.

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[isseeu]

Thank you Val78.  After all this reading I can see that there is clearly no predictability, no "usual" behaviors-although there appear to be some pretty clear patterns.  I wonder if anyone else has had an experience like mine where things were great for two years with NO anger or abusive behavior or language and then things are really over after one unexplained meltdown - in the mind of the pwBPD.  I'm trying to brace myself for a return/recycle... . but there may not be one.

I just miss him and although I saw the emotional instability all along, it manifested itself mainly in him being overly tearful about things having to do with his daughters and his mother.  I just comforted him at those times and they passed... .    The other signs were there-projection on others, abusive sad childhood, not taking responsibility for things that happened in past relationships, being the victim, many failed personal relationships-he is estranged from his father and sister, falling in "love" fast and hard and idealizing me, family hx of suicide (a sister), etc.

You're right.  I can't control his behavior and letting him be is probably the best thing to do.  As hard as it is.   I happen to see him yesterday getting out of his truck. I'm glad he didn't see me.  It really derailed me-he is a beautiful man.  Hard as it was, it was good to see that he is okay and up and about.   

[eternity75]

Hi isseeu,

What you are describing is the "male waif" BPD. You can do a search on the board for this... . there's a lot of great information. My bf is the same... . and it is brutal to deal with. Sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I guess being in a LDR I have seen a lot more strange behaviour from mine early on because of the object constancy thing... . out of sight out of mind, rather than the full-on idealization I would have received if we hadn't been long distance.

I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now... . because for me... . it has been a constant rollercoaster in my relationship... . and despite the bad I still always cling to the good. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have 2 years of the wonderful, loving and good times only to be left in silence. I hope you are able to find the support you need here.

[isseeu]

 eternity75

Thanks so much for the message.  I've looked into the male waif-fascinating.  He has many of the characteristics, not all.   It is heartbreaking.  As I read the different posts-so much pain everywhere- I'm struck by how different every situation seems to be.  Mine seems unusual-we have not had break up make up cycles.  We had a great two plus years.  I have to say however that there were signs along the way, especially in the last few months, that something was causing anxiety and stress in him.  He tried to articulate it, and I listened and encouraged.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  Instead of slipping into problem-solving mode, I would have listened better and just validated.  I think that trying to help him like I did added to his feeling of worthlessness and shame.

So, live and learn.  Two weeks ago I had never heard of BPD, now it's all consuming as I try to make sense out of this situation where I've loved deeply and now and left in silence-still.  Not knowing when or if you will hear from them is just agony.  At least we haven't shared angry words via text or email or anything else-just the one instance of the breakup where he just appeared to unravel in front of me and said some mean things-not as mean as what I've seen elsewhere, but still hurtful.  He never blamed or attacked me for anything specific... .   I really do believe that he was trying to hold it together, and just couldn't. 

I miss him.  That's the truth.  Started T last night and am hoping that will help me get a handle on the grief and the obsessing about what we had, what happened, what I'd do/say if I had the chance again, whether this is a break up or silent tmt... . etc etc etc

Take care.  The support here is really amazing-and so needed.