First Day

[KateJuly2013]

   This is my first day in more ways than one.  Not only is this my first day in the support group, but this is the first day that I am aware that my mother likely suffers from BPD.  I say she suffers because she does not have an official diagnosis and she does seem to really suffer.  Through a series of recent events, I started to believe that my mother may have mental health issues.  When I recently read the signs of BPD, I was surprised by how much they fit my experience with my mother.  I am an adult- and out of the home.  I have not lived with her for 21 years.  I did not realize that anything was "wrong" in my relationship until about 13 years ago.  That first insight 13 years ago has sent me on a long path of mostly confusion, frustration, and pain in trying to understand my mother and in figuring how to decipher the life lessons she tried to teach me through an undiagnosed (and never even thought of) lens of BPD.

At the moment, I am feeling validated.  I am also feeling hopeful.  Now that I know (at least I think I do) what is going on with my mother, I can work toward developing ways to effectively interact with her and minimize and manage my pain.  I am so pleased that I found this support group.  In many ways, I've been on my own figuring out over my life how to deal with my mother.  My father died when I was very young, my mother never remarried, and I am the oldest child.  So, I'm glad to not be alone in this any longer.  I am eager to learn from others who have more awareness of BPD.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 

I'm so glad you found you're way here! We're here for you in this new stage in your life. You are definitely not alone anymore, there are many many members who are going through the same thing.

What do/es your sibling/s think about this?

What are some behaviours that you would like help with at the moment?

I'm so glad you're hopeful! We've got a lot of good stuff here, from experts in the disorder, and we'll point you in the right direction.

Glad you're here! Keep posting

[KateJuly2013]

I only have one sibling- a younger brother.  I would say that the dominant dynamic has been that I deal with her and protect him from it.  I've been changing that in the last few years.  He seems to agree with me about her behaviors, but he doesn't like to talk about it much.  Now that she does it more to him (I guess as a result of my changed participation and strategies), he is a bit shocked by her.

As I mentioned, naming it as BPD is a new thing for me.  Right now, I'm trying to tell him that I think she has BPD.  I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday where I plan to discuss my new "revelation" with her.  I haven't decided if I'll talk to my brother about it.  So, I'm dealing with that and could use some input on the pros and cons of telling family members about BPD.  I will also have to decide whether to tell my mother I think she has BPD.  I could use input on that too.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

We recommend against telling someone that we think they have BPD. They don't see the world as we do, and they're not going to take it well. Here's a good link on that topic:

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

As for whether you should tell your brother, I suggest you find your way to the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board. There are many members there in the same situation.

Good luck on your journey!

[zone out]

Hi KateJuly2013

I have had a similar revelation to you last month - my mother has all the characteristics of a high functioning uBPD.  It sounds like you have perhaps read Walking on Eggshells - it is a good read.  There is lots of very good information on this site -above all it is such a relief to be able to gain some understanding of what is behind the crazy behaviour. As you read the posts you will discover that so many people have such similar experiences - you are definitely not alone!

I can so identify with the confusion, frustration and pain that you describe. Before I heard of BPD I was starting to think I was going crazy, was I doing something to trigger these rages or could I be imagining things - really messes with your head.  My mother is elderly now and I have to tread carefully re boundaries etc but I find it really helps to think of her as a 'project' - something that needs worked on, depersonalizes the situation.  When I have been having a bad time with her, instead of dwelling on it, I get on the site and start straightening out things in my head.

Keep reading and posting - it really helps, hope things improve for you.

Zone out

[Calsun]

Hi KateJuly2013,

Welcome!  I'm fairly new to this site, as well and have already benefited so much by sharing and reading others' shares.  My mother has all of the predominant symptoms and behaviors of an uBPD.  And what had always felt like individual separate confusing behaviors and tendencies now makes a lot of sense within the overall framework of BPD.  It's given me so much more clarity and understanding and has helped me to develop the psychological boundaries to reshape my identity and really move along in my healing.

Once again, welcome.  Looking forward to hearing more of your journey!

Calsun

[ScarletOlive]

Hi KateJuly2013,

Just joining in on the welcoming party here. So many of us can relate to how you feel, like protecting younger siblings. You aren't alone. How much contact do you have with your mother now?

It's really great that you're taking care of yourself, going to therapy, and letting your brother stand up for himself too.  There is lots of information here for you to help you on your journey. A great place to start would be here: BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

You ask whether you should tell your mother that she has BPD. I understand wanting to, especially when you've just discovered BPD and you think she should know. However, telling someone that you think they have a mental illness doesn't usually go over too well. It can drive a further rift in your relationship, and might close your mother off to BPD. Perhaps in the future, with the knowledge you gain, you could suggest therapy for her, like by saying how much it helped you. Discussing it with your brother might be very helpful for him though. Just be prepared for any reception he might give - interested, indifferent, angry, etc.

So glad you're here! Keep posting and sharing. Sending you lots of caring and support.

[KateJuly2013]

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply.  I haven't checked the bpdfamily website for a few days.  I've been ordering the books recommended here.  My therapist gave me "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" because one of her clients had left it for others to read.  I'm almost through Lawson's Understanding the Borderline Mother."  I've also purchased, but haven't done more than flip through, Stop Walking On Eggshells, Surviving a Borderline Parent, and Will I Ever Be Good Enough.  These reads coupled with reading posts on this site are so overwhelmingly helpful.  I am still feeling grateful that I found this.

After I posted about telling my mom and/or brother, I searched through this website and found discussions of the issue.  Surprisingly, that weekend, my mother said to me that she felt like something was wrong with her.  Because I had read here first, I was able to respond to her in a way that was a productive conversation.  Not surprisingly, her disordered thinking and changing story makes it unlikely that she will follow through, but I feel that I've done my due diligence in listening to what she said, supporting her, empathizing with her, and telling her the truth WITHOUT saying she has a mental illness.  As suggested, I mentioned behaviors that she and I share (black/white thinking, etc) and how therapy has been helpful to me.  She has noticed, she said, that I'm doing well and that has made her consider it more seriously.  Overall, it seemed like a good talk.  Of course, I'm always afraid that the other shoe will drop later. 

Although I've heard it many times and even felt I was doing it at some periods in my life, I was really struck by the line in Lawson's book about being true to yourself.  How this is one way to think about the central principle in figuring out how to respond to BPD people.  This is difficult for me, still, because of the lack of validation of my experiences from my mother, it sometimes takes me a bit to realize what I want- I have to make it through second guessing my perception of events.  So, I'm getting ready to do what I expect will be some hard work- going back and really spending some time talking about my childhood  in therapy and with those that I trust.  I'm just going to speak my truth.  I expect it will be difficult, but right now I'm looking forward to it.  I think it will be painful but unbelievably freeing.  I hope so.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

  You did well in your conversation with your mother

And good luck on your journey going forward!

[StarStruck]

KateJuly2013,

Your situation sounds really hopeful and you sound very strong, with an established mindset on how to move forward.

Good luck with the rest of your journey